How to prepare

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Hello,

I'm writing this post from a car because I cannot take the abuse anymore. I left the house and my sleeping kids and am considering going to a hotel nearby.
Today I asked my husband for divorce and he told me in my face that he's comfortable for me to be his maid, work and look after the kids so he wouldn't grant me one.
My question is how do I prepare and get a divorce? Where to find a divorce lawyer and are they expensive? How do I find out his salary? All payslips and bank statements are now digital, I have no access to them whatsoever. His pension should be quite substantial but I have no proof or information. Would the court consider years of financial and other forms of abuse or is it all the same to them?

Would really appreciate any help.

I dont have any experience to help you, just wanted to reply and let you know it will be ok! I think anyone who can reply with the answers you need would probably need to know how long you’ve been married, age of kids, how many kids, house in joint names? Assets? Do you have access to joint account?

@Caniretractthat thank you for your support. We've been married for just over 15 years, 2 primary school children, one house 50/50, he's a high earner.

You can apply online for divorce

reasons for divorce won’t impact any settlement

he’ll have to declare earnings and pensions as part of divorce process

Don't leave the house. Stay put until finances sorted. Get a good solicitor. YOU stay in the house, your husband moves out. Your kids, your house. If you leave the house you have nothing to stand on and divorce may take ages.

@wintersunshine78 where do I find a good solicitor? Does it cost a fortune? He won't leave the house and I can't tolerate the abuse anymore.

Well I think you will be in a pretty strong position. Is there no paperwork at home at all? If you can, and if its safe…i would try and breathe through the stress tonight and return home. Tomorrow, try and gather as much paperwork as you can. I agree most things these days are digital but there’s normally stl some pension statements, contracts, bank details.
whereabouts are you located? Google your nearest divorce lawyer?

If he is a high earner I wouldn’t get an “online” divorce….you need a decent lawyer. Any decent lawyer will take their payment put of your settlement

What kind of abuse OP?

Is there danger to you or the DC? If so you should tell the police, or if you can't face that, tell a GP or school staff or similar.

This will act as evidence of abuse and might mean you can get legal aid.

Posting here first re: domestic abuse - keeping yourself and children safe, then after that some info about divorce and financial settlement.

Domestic abuse, get help and support:
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Making a safety plan:
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965137-d1ebb2d0-ef20
"If you do decide to leave your partner, it is best if you can plan this carefully. Sometimes abusers will increase their abuse if they suspect you are thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can be a particularly dangerous time for you."

In an emergency, always call the police on 999. Teach children to do this.

If in danger, need the police, and can't speak? Instructions here:
www.domesticabuseservices.org.uk/latest-news-articles-advice/silent-999-call/
Easy to read poster here: www.domesticabuseservices.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Silent_solution_poster.pdf

For more information about domestic abuse go to:
The Survivor’s Handbook www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Protecting children:
www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/domestic-abuse/

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement.

The financial settlement aspect is very important. To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Each party fills out Form E and sends it to the other. Each party has to give full and frank disclosure. Each party should attach to their Form E evidence of their financial position, including income. This is a requirement.

Look at a Form E. Its is a long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is taken into account. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40. If one party has additional needs, this is taken into account for example, less earning power or income due to disability or health conditions.

Section 25 lists the factors the court will take into account when deciding how to distribute assets on a divorce or dissolution. Pdf here:

images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged.

If after Form E there is missing information / evidence Questionnaires may be exchanged to retrieve it and if still missing after that Deficiencies are exchanged. A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information evidence. A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / evidence / valuations that is missing / essential. (If a party is reluctant to disclose information or provide evidence like a valuation of pensions, this may be where the money is).

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation
www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension

Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Legal advice should be sought.
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates

Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.

Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct
Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Advice Now is a website helpful for litigants in person (an individual that is not represented in court by a solicitor or barrister, but nevertheless has rights of audience). www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Legal Aid
You might be able to get legal aid if you have evidence that you or your children have been victims of domestic abuse or violence and you cannot afford to pay legal costs.
www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

In financial settlement, look after the older woman you will become.

Sorry my post last night conflated two important issues:

As the links and advice posted by @helphere1 say, if you tell a professional about any form of abuse (including emotional), that can constitute evidence of abuse sufficient to get you legal aid if you need it.

Obviously if you are in danger or feel you might be in future you need to contact the police anyway.

Hi, where you are now is easy to feel overwhelmed. My advice is to take it slowly. You have a lot to work out and you'll want to take time to work out how to make good decisions for you and your children. Pretend to him you're whatever he wants you to be, to buy yourself some time and in your head and quietly do a lot of planning. Then when you make your move you're stronger, in control and not reacting to events on the back foot. Best of luck, you're stronger than you think.
BTW abusers rarely leave, sadly you may be the one who needs to leave with your kids. Womens aid are excellent use them and they can help you at every stage.

Thank you all so much, your information and advise are really helpful. I started to strategize...

Op, stop . Draw a breath
There is a link above to ADVICE NOW. Go there and download their guides on divorce process . Arm yourself with knowledge as you husband clearly has no clue and just is being abusive and petty
Also go to the uk government portal for divorce. It is very good and you can petition yourself - it’s easy and you don’t need a solicitor to do that. Check the box that says you want the court to make the financial settlement even if you think you can sort between you ( eg go a consent order route).
a solicitor will cost £200+ per hour. So try to research the process, how settlement are reached, forms to use yourself rather than pay for the privilege of a solicitor reading it to you. You will need a solicitor for a financial consent order draft at the very least, but armed with knowledge you can use your money wisely.

Some things to remember

1. behaviour of either party has nothing to do with who gets what
2. divorce is now only non fault and a partner can’t refuse . It takes a min of 26 weeks.
3. a financial settlement is made based on legal marriage act that requires “ fair settlement”. There are 10 or so criteria for fair settlement. The guides in advice now explain that. Unless you are wealthy with significant surplus asset over basic needs, no solicitor can change the overall outcome of that settlement significantly- it is always cheaper to try and agree
4. your spouse and you are both required by law to make a full legal financial disclosure. The court will take a very bad view of someone who breaks that law. If you think your spouse hasn’t fully or accurately disclosed a solicitor can advise and bring the force of the law to bear. The financial declarations are done on a form E and D81 . Print these off and follow government web site notes to understand what is included etc so you can see the information you will need and begin to assess your situation based on those fair settlement rules.
5. If you can’t reach agreement between yourselves you must go to mediation- this is again a legal requirement. You can’t just say “see you in court” anymore. You can go to the uk MEDIATE webSite that also has a lot of very good information about the process

id try to get 2 days on my own and download and read everything, then get a local family solicitor for a free 30 mins to ask specific questions you need to clarify. Then take it from there . Remember though the divorce petition is online and specifically designed for anyone and everyone to raise their petition themselves. It can take as little as 1 hour and is clearly explained. Don’t use a solicitor for that - you’ll be throwing money away as any d3cent solicitor will tell you.

Oh, sorry I should have said, unfortunately you can’t force him o leave the house. You mustn’t change locks. If he commits a criminal act of abuse call the police . But I’m afraid if you can’t persuade him to leave, you will have to yourself if you can’t separate within the house. Its pants I know w- but raise the petition urgently and in 6 months it’ll be done hopefully. Don’t stay there if you are in danger please.

He doesn't get to refuse a divorce.
You go through the process of financial disclosure so he will have to give you bank statements wage info and pension details.
If he doesn't then go to court and the judge will make him.
His abuse is unlikely to be classed as conduct relevant for a court.

And Google resolution then pick a couple of solicitors local to you and go see them. Who do you like the best ? Who do you think is really going to fight for you

Designdesign
I'm in the same position, unless the abuse makes you feel at risk of harm (my husband is emotional abuse not physical) i would stay in the house and start making as many notes as you can about how he is behaving. I have years of notes in my phone.

My husband is the high earner i am a stay st home mom to 3 teens.

I have got downloads of joint accounts, from my banking app photos of his pension paperwork although it doesn't show figures.

You will need your marriage certificate too. try and gather these things if you can and don't worry if you can't, he has to declare them when you file for divorce.

I would contact citizens advice/refuge to ask what you could do re a solicitor or if they can support you.

I am at the find a solicitor stage too and it is a minefield,
Here if you need supoort

Remember that harm caused an bemental/emotional as well as physical though. Especially to children.

*can be mental