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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

What should I be fighting for/accepting?

8 replies

mantin38 · 18/01/2023 10:19

My husband and I separated last year. We were living in a house owned by his parents and paying subsidised rent (approx 500 a month + bills) which he paid while I covered childcare costs/looked after the 1&3 yr old whilst working a p/t lower income job. He then left me in spring, assuring me that nobody would be chucking us out of the house. I asked if we could stay until summer, which we did - he carried on paying for the rent and bills whilst staying at his parents' - but then asked if we could extend it a bit until October. I was scared about uprooting the kids and we didn't have anywhere to go except my parents. I earn just under 1k a month which doesn't get very far with childcare costs etc. On paper I can see this would frustrate them as they wanted to get it out on the market (which I didn't realise, I thought they just wanted us out so he could move back in) so they said we could have til October but were clearly very angry about it, and they've made their frustration and anger with me very clear. I am too muddled in my head to know whether or not that's fair at the moment if I'm honest, as I can see it from all sides. Since then me and the kids have been staying at my parents' whilst looking for somewhere else. I found out I'm getting 650 Universal Credit today which helps, but obviously trying to find a place on that plus my earnings is not easy. (Oh, it's important to say that husband and I are still on good terms at the moment, we do family days with the kids once a week and they sleepover at his for a night a week, so he looks after them on the friday and the saturday. He would like to try again, but I've asked that we put that on hold whilst he gets therapy for his mh and I get the kids housed and sorted). In terms of finance, he's checked the gov website and says he can pay what they suggest - which I think is about 450 a month. My parents think I should ask for more, as they're concerned I won't be able to survive. I am concerned that pressing for too much will mess up the dynamic we've created in healthy co-parenting and keeping the kids well adjusted (which I'm so far very proud of). His parents are very involved and like I said, very angry with me, and I'm worried that they'll throw costs they incurred during our time there at me (they had to get the house repainted and some white goods replaced after we left) and I don't want it to get messy or nasty. I know this was down to both of us, but for some reason it's all levelled at me. I have NO idea what's right. I don't want to fleece anyone, but I don't want to get less than we deserve to get settled either. I'm ND so I struggle to know what I think sometimes, or what's fair. Is the 450 a month fair or should I be pressing for more? He doesn't have loads - I think he earns about £37k - but his parents are very wealthy so he's likely to always be okay. But it's also important he has enough to move out of theirs. I would rather not take that into account at all - I didn't want to rent from them in the first place - and just focus on his own salary as if they were never involved. Help! What should I do? (SO SORRY FOR THIS VERY LONG RAMBLE!)

OP posts:
LemonTT · 18/01/2023 11:03

The government website will have done a rough but broadly accurate calculation of CMS. You have two choices, to accept his calculation or make a formal CMS application.

Honestly he isn’t making enough to pay you a lot. His take home must be c £2.5k per month. His parents situation is irrelevant you didn’t marry them and they don’t have to contribute to your household or his.

Your parents are being daft, you won’t get more than CMS. You can ask nicely but if he says no there isn’t anything you can do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2023 11:12

The CMS figure is one thing, I’d accept it and hope he’s prepared to pay for extras that are agreed between you. The divorce is another. Are you getting divorced? What split of any assets are you discussing? Have you had legal advice? Does either of you have a pension?

mantin38 · 18/01/2023 13:51

Thanks all for your help! Really good to know. We don't have any assets really (children aside!) and he has a pension but I don't, yet - looking into it at the moment. We're staying separated at the moment and not discussing divorce in the hopes that we can try and work on something when the time's right. But really, there's nothing else to split as we didn't own a house or anything. Or even furniture! One of the things I was struggling with was the lack of feeling like adults, even as parents. I'm excited to move into being an adult a bit more, even if as a single parent for a while.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 18/01/2023 14:48

On his salary cms levels us all you’ll get

you’ll
need to look at

increasing work to full time ( balanced with cost of childcare fir a few years)
what ultimately what can claim in UC
what support you can get with childcare costs

ultimately you may need to look for better paid work

Depending on your ages and length of marriage there may be no real pension benefit to split eg I’d it’s shall pot and you have 35 years to build up your own pot

isthistheendtakeabreath · 18/01/2023 17:51

How wealthy his parents are has no relevance to any CMS

Youll be expected to work full time I'm afraid

SueVineer · 18/01/2023 18:46

Are there any assets owned by either party? If not CMS is all you’re entitled to.

mantin38 · 18/01/2023 20:50

Thank you! Do want to clarify I have no interest in taking anything from his parents at all, more just making sure that anything I had from him wouldn’t render him unable to live. Genuine question - with full time working, how do you manage childcare costs? I only manage right now cos am on flexible hours. DD is not so tough as she’s got 30 free hours and starts school in sept but DS has only just turned 2…

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 18/01/2023 22:33

mantin38 · 18/01/2023 20:50

Thank you! Do want to clarify I have no interest in taking anything from his parents at all, more just making sure that anything I had from him wouldn’t render him unable to live. Genuine question - with full time working, how do you manage childcare costs? I only manage right now cos am on flexible hours. DD is not so tough as she’s got 30 free hours and starts school in sept but DS has only just turned 2…

If you're on universal credit you'll get most of childcare costs back (85a% I think)

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