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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I being ridiculous

15 replies

Abidan68 · 16/01/2023 00:47

I am a 54 year old - married/together for over 22 years and grown up kids living at home

I work full time for the NHS and am pretty independent

after a number of years and constant discussions re our lives and what we want to do I have told him I am unhappy and he has agreed he is as well but wants to “work at it” to improve. I feel this should now be our time to have fun and to the world we are a fun couple but behind closed doors he is grumpy and doesn’t want to do anything but watch whatever sport is on TV. Anything we do is at my instigation and I am fed up of always being the one to gee everything along

i need time away and kids want to stay in the home which is fine and he isn’t making any noises about moving out. I am happy to move out and am finding myself looking at flats/houses for myself with a bedroom for the kids and feeling excited about this

is this normal? Is this a mid life crisis or should I accept that this is what being married is like and I am jeopardising what is a very comfortable future for just wanting to have some time on my own …

please be kind …

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 16/01/2023 07:00

Why would you want to walk out at what appears to be the first bit of trouble? You’ve both finally communicated to each other you aren’t happy, your husband would like to work on it which is probably a good thing. But you want to leave, so only you can answer how invested you are in your marriage and if you have anything left to fight for.

KangarooKenny · 16/01/2023 07:16

But it isn’t the first bit of trouble is it, they’ve been talking for years !
I think it is normal to reevaluate at your stage of life, you have a DH who likes his life so probably just makes the right noises to shut the little woman up.
You need to think about what you want.

Someone15055 · 16/01/2023 08:49

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Whatsrheday · 17/01/2023 13:17

Try counselling with an emotion focused therapist (it’s got an actual evidence base)
if you can’t work it out use it as a starting point to discuss the split, how you will separate assets, pensions, time with the kids especially at birthdays & Christmas

Original poster
Abidan68 · 17/01/2023 16:19

Thank you - that’s really helpful

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 17/01/2023 17:05

I’m confused; do you want to do stuff with him, or be alone?
it’s certainly a good time to reevaluate the situation. Which might include kicking the fledglings down the road.
could you each plan 1 outing for the next few months (so that’s two outings per month one planned by him one by you)?
that shouldn’t be too onerous. See if that helps.

Diffuserqueen · 17/01/2023 17:10

I’m also confused if he doesn’t wish to do anything aren’t you already alone and do what you please?

Diffuserqueen · 17/01/2023 17:12

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wtf, they’ve been married for over 22 years. No one is stealing assets, what are you on about

Suzi89 · 17/01/2023 17:15

OP this sounds a bit dramatic.

lbzbean · 17/01/2023 17:19

You've got the support and kids you wanted out of him, leave him to his sport.

You are totally free to move on with half the marital assets and live your best life.

Diffuserqueen · 17/01/2023 17:22

lbzbean · 17/01/2023 17:19

You've got the support and kids you wanted out of him, leave him to his sport.

You are totally free to move on with half the marital assets and live your best life.

Some decidedly odd posts on this thread,

this one reads like some passive aggressive nonsense suggesting a woman should stay married even if unhappy

habe rhe Amish taken over or is the 1950s?

Myotherpetisamouse · 17/01/2023 17:22

I would look at doing some things independently of DH and see how you get on. Perhaps hobbies or socialising to start with. Maybe try a holiday by yourself. It’s really good not to live in each others pockets because although you’re married, you’re not joined at the hip. You might find you look forward to coming home if you have a break away for a week. If that’s the case then you know it’s time to work on the relationship.

Diffuserqueen · 17/01/2023 17:30

I’d agree, why not book a solo holiday, go away for a couple of weeks? Sort some things with friends, girls weekend away , nights out.

start building your life away now and see how you feel?

you talk about your work and how he doesn’t do anything unless you gee it on, but you don’t talk about your own social life, activities, social,life.

Leadbypencils · 17/01/2023 17:35

Be a Camilla if that works, i.e. separate houses/accommodation but stay married.

Stay married and stay living together.

Separate and divorce.

We only get one shot at this life, so if neither of you are happy do you feel it worthwhile working on the issues?

I think we all know instinctively whether or not it's worth it anymore, and as you appear to be financially independent, well you are in a better position than many in your shoes are to make a decision that is right for you.

Whatsrheday · 17/01/2023 21:28

www.beftcentre.org

someone on here who is at senior level (ie a supervisor, not just someone with a certificate)

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