Did your friends show up for you during separation?

[Chowmeinie]

I am definitely classed as the strong one with many people I know, but the lack of presence of my friends has been very telling throughout this separation. I am 3 months in and I don't have a main social circle but friends dotted around from different times of my life, all in different places.

Initially, they reached out, but there were a few cancellations around Christmas which I understood due to family commitments and illnesses. But now, everyone seems to be busy socially. I bumped into a friend today at our childrens' football coaching and she was very bubbly, telling me of all her social plans for the next few weeks. I have no plans on the evenings I'm not with my children. I have been open with her that I'm struggling on the evenings I'm not with them, but absolutely no attempt has been made to reach out to me. She cancelled on me just before Christmas too.

She seemed more bubbly and full of life and exciting plans than ever if anything- no empathy, or tact at all. I know it's not all about me, but it's like everyone has moved on since my split. I kept treading eater throughout Christmas and am now hitting rock bottom. One of my longest friends has apologised and said she isn't free to see me until March. Unless I go over to her house to see her on a weekday. I have my children during the week and work so this isn't a possibility!

Another friend who I met up with shortly before Christmas told me that I was strong, I would be fine. Just be me and all would work out fabulously. Unlike her who was now apparently experiencing marriage difficulties and needed my help. I ended up consoling her for 3 hours about these new marriage worries she had, rather than the other way around!

How do I gain support from my friends without coming across as pathetic and needy? I'm not sure I can initiate due to my fear of rejection.

OP - I’m going to be blunt here. Please accept my apologies.

These people aren’t your friends. Not even sure I would call them them anything.

I’m 4 months into a separation and have one friend who has literally put her life on hold for me(I haven’t begged or made it seem like I needed nor wanted her attention) but she has been there each and every day. If I don’t text for a few hours she texts to ask if I’m okay and how my day is going.

That is what a friend is. I’ll never ever be able to repay her but she is there each and every day.

Seek comfort in those that comfort you.

Wishing you well.

Some did, some didn't amd i was dropped from certain friendship groups. Most of us have fewer friends than we think.

I lost the friend that I saw as a sister due to my separation. She was the first I called when he walked out, yet didn't hear from her after that. Bumped into her in the supermarket with her kids (my god kids) three months later so tried to be normal for their sakes. She never once asked how I or DS (her god son) was doing, and continued to tell me about the terrible time she had recently because her DM had broken her arm! Haven't seen or spoken since. Yet the people who have been most supportive are ones that I wasn't generally that close to. I now know who my real friends are - quality over quantity!

My friends were great and really rallied round to support me but inevitably they all went back to their own lives and the calls/visits became fewer. I think they assumed that by 6 or so I’m the in I would be ok and over the worst but to be honest, I think that’s when I needed people the most, after the initial shock and adrenaline had worn off.

I did have another friend who I discovered had also split form her husband at around the same time so it was nice to have her to meet up with and talk to.

One of my friends who I referred to at the start’s husband has just left her in the last week and I have messaged and tried to see her but I have to remember that everyone deals with things differently and while I wanted to talk and see people, she might not. I will keep checking in though.

I just think separation/divorce is one of those things that unless you have been through it yourself, you don’t really understand what it’s like.

They want cozy little couples meet ups, and you no longer ‘fit’. Single women are also viewed with suspicion by some as obviously you’ll be after their husband 🙄 also possibly split loyalties if they were both your friends? Sorry, it’s rubbish but it’s not you it’s them!

Oh I dunno. When I was diagnosed with something awful my very lovely friends rallied round and supported me. However, life does move on and even though I still struggle, I'm not expecting friends to be mind readers.

One of my best friends partner is dying of cancer (terminal). I'm there for her every single day with phone calls and messages. What she doesn't know is that I split up from my long term partner a month ago. I miss him, a lot. But she needs me more than I need her.

You sound really lovely @HappyNewYear2023

I think people end up having their own lives and problems and just get busy in that
My separation has gone on for a long time and my friends have got compassion fatigue - I got a counsellor to try to spread the load

I think with divorce and separation, relationships dynamics can change massively.

To be honest for people who haven't been through it, they can't really understand it or truly empathise or hope to imagine what you need.

Also if alot of your friends are married and you are used to seeing them in a couples kind of dynamic, you may well no longer fit in for them. Some people worry about divorce almost being catching, some may see you as a potential threat now. Things have changed.

Do you have close family who can help support you? They are usually the people you can truly rely on through lifes storms.

Have you looked up if there are any meetup groups near you? When i got divorced, i found it a godsend to join single groups where you can mingle with other seoarated, divorced and bereaved people and feel at home with them.

What surprised me was that the friends I thought would be there for me weren't, and other people I previously considered as acquaintances really stepped up, I was so touched. I don't think people realise that you don't just lose a partner, but all those couples who you would previously see for Sunday lunch, weekend walks etc- you get dropped immediately for other couples who fit the mould.

This is exactly what has happened to me. It all adds to the grief, loosing the people you thought would be your supports. However finding friends that have been the biggest supports is amazing

I was dropped by almost all my friends after I separated from exH; he started dating someone immediately and she just took over my spot in the friendship circle. Plus people just don't like single women at social events. I slowly built up a new network and made damn sure I never behaved like that myself.

My friends were brilliant and I have no idea how they continued with the support they gave me because I was So Fucking Irritating. The lead up to the separation was interminable then the separation itself and all that entailed. House drama, money drama, me drama. I'm surprised I had any friends left by the end of it. They were completely amazing, but it's not their job to look after me, be my social life and check in on me to the extent I needed them. It was over and above for a long time. I was very grateful, but aware I was a pain and like a pp, started counselling to stop having to tell them everything.

I had friends who were amazing and really stepped up, both emotionally and practically

I'd some who appeared to be helpful but did comment her husband wasn't able to help me with a building project as it looked wrong!

I'd a few who disappeared altogether.

Over a decade later, I'm grateful I learned who my real friends are.

I think good friends letting you down and those who you would not expect to step up being there happens with many life events
Happened to me first when we had a terrible bereavement
Then when a child had a life altering diagnosis
and now with the split

i lost my ‘best’ friends instantly when they learnt i had split. They were both married.
I think your life goes through a ‘sieve’ when there’s a big change, and you gather other friends who are more in the same boat as you.

It's really weird isn't it. My best friend suddenly dropped off the face of the earth when I split with DH. I was absolutely gutted and I missed her very much for a very long time. She was always paranoid about her husband fancying other women, and I'm pretty sure that she just couldn't cope with her own insecurity (I would never have fancied her husband, and I'm as sure as I can be that he'd never fancy me.) As soon as I became a bit more successful in my field of work and moved away, she started to get back in touch with me.

Also, some members of my own family seemed not to cope with the separation. When I said I was leaving my husband, they were supportive and said they'd always thought he was controlling and unkind to me, but then they just weren't there at all, and kept in contact more with my ex! I think that this was to do with feeling a weird sort of guilt about the kind of relationship model I'd had growing up, although that wasn't ever really on my mind.

About a year in one 'friend' noticed the house had been sold and where had we moved to. I'd deliberately kept it all very quiet but I told her that we'd separated because she caught me on the hop.

In response she asked me if I was sure and life would be very hard for me, to think of the bills and all men are difficult. I was furious.

I have my reasons for separating and no one needs to know.

People are weird and jealous OP. New and nicer friends will come to you.

I don’t think it is as simple as saying people aren’t your friends. I went through something awful and friends didn’t show up for me the way I would have liked, if at all, if they actively undermined me because of their own capacity and their own issues - some of this crowd are no longer friends. Then a very small select few of the others were stalwarts.

Some issues are beyond run of the mill friendships and people have a lot of stuff they are dealing with in their own lives.

I think it is best to really lower your expectations and then you get pleasantly surprised along the way.

You learn a lot about friendships from painful experiences but it isn’t all bad. It can be helpful for you to learn what you need to invest in return.