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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Has anyone else felt a lose of identity due to divorce name change?

20 replies

louisek1986 · 14/01/2023 14:11

Hi all,

this is my first post on mumsnet, i've ended up here as I'm trying to find out if what I am going through is usual, and how other people have handled it.

I won't go into the complications of my relationship, but In a nutshell, I met my husband at 15, we married two weeks after my 18th birthday. We parted ways amicably 18 months ago, divorce was finalised in November last year. We were together for almost 20 years, married for 17 years, 18 years if you count how long it took the divorce to come through. No kids involved.

In hindsight, we should have split about 8 years earlier. By the time we actually separated, I had fully mourned the relationship. I was used up, no tears left to cry. As a result, the actual divorce process was very smooth and unemotional (for me), i appreciate that i am lucky in this respect.

I have been considering changing to my maiden name, as I was starting to feel a little strange about my married one (I feeling that took me by surprise) but hadn't fully made up my mind. I am 36 years old, and have had my married name since 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. My entire adult life. Along with the practical side of a name change which would impact business etc.. I don't feel any ownership or connection to my maiden name. As a result, I had put this out of my mind, to decide at a later date.

Today I received a message from my ex, asking me when I was going to change my name as he said it was strange I still had it. I suddenly feel silly and dirty, like I want to wash myself of every connection to him. But the name is my name, and my identity. I don't see it as a married name, just my name! If i don't have it, what do I have? Pick a new name? I've got this strangely overwhelming feeling of being lost. This has taken me by surprise, as I am usually very practical, keep my emotions in check... etc.. So a real shocker for it to hit me so hard.

Apologies for babbling, does any of this hit a nerve with anyone else? I fantasied for years about finally having the courage to split from my ex. I played out all the scenarios so many times and I think that's part of why I was so ready, and able to be strong when it happened. But what had never even entered my mind was the name thing.

Over thinking? L xx

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 14/01/2023 14:15

Sympathy - I changed my name my dead poll for complicated family reasons 30 years ago - I would say it took me 20 or so years to "own" my new name in my heart - it wasn't even my first name that changed!

If you are going to change it, choose something you really like, and can identify with

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/01/2023 14:16

I've been divorced since 2007 and still kept my married name. Had it for 11 yrs when married I see it as my name and my adult kids surname.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 14:17

I think you were doing the right thing for you (waiting to decide) and it’s your ex who has upset things. Do you actually need to be in contact with him? It’s absolutely nothing to do with him!

motherfugga · 14/01/2023 14:17

No reason at all to change it. He's an idiot to ask. It's not 'his' name. And it's as much 'yours' as 'his' anyway. You're not property!

OldTinHat · 14/01/2023 14:19

Firstly, you don't have to change your name. Do it only if YOU want to.

After my first divorce, I didn't want to keep my married name or revert to my maiden name. I opened the phone book (yes, that long ago!) randomly, stuck a pin on the page and changed my name via deed poll to that one.

After my second divorce some 15yrs ago I decided to keep my then married name (not phone book name!) because it's the name my DC have. I still have it even though ExH remarried many years ago and she also took his name.

It's personal choice. Entirely up to you. Keep it if you want, change it to something else if you want. But don't be bullied into a decision.

Herbie0987 · 14/01/2023 14:19

I have kept my married name for 28 years and will not change it unless I remarry. It is my identity and is the same surname as my children. I might have divorced my ex but I did not divorce my in laws who still thought of me as a daughter until they died. I lost both my parents at a young age and my in laws were effectively my parents.

IncredibleSulk · 14/01/2023 14:19

I can relate to this. I guess I feel quite bitter that I have ended up losing my name and having a different name to my children. The only reason I changed it in the end is because I met a new partner and had another baby so I didn’t want my ex husbands name on my maternity notes etc.

TheVanguardSix · 14/01/2023 14:25

Today I received a message from my ex, asking me when I was going to change my name as he said it was strange I still had it.

Your ex doesn’t get to tell you ever again what to do, how to identify, how to be, who to be- you name it, he’s got no say in it.

Keep your name. If you want to do that, do exactly that. He can’t take it from you. You’re not his personal property and you never were. He doesn’t own your name. You may, down the road, wish to revert to your maiden name or you may remarry. But there’s just no need to worry about all of that. Silence his noise. What he wants and what he thinks doesn’t concern you anymore. 🎉🎉🎉

Original poster

louisek1986 · 14/01/2023 14:34

Thank you so much everyone. Makes a real difference to know that other people have had the same feelings.

Lovely advice and support from you all.
xx

OP posts:

bumpytrumpy · 14/01/2023 14:43

It's not his name, it's yours. You can change it if you want to but if you don't that's fine too.

If you were to change it, you don't have to go "back" to maiden name, you can change it to anything you like.

Potluck22 · 14/01/2023 15:26

People can experience a range of emotions with divorce and they can hit you at unexpected times. My ex questioned me at the time of divorce suggesting i changed my name back to my maiden name. Completely ignored it. For me i preferred my married name and wasnt going to let him control my name.

I guess some of these men feel that posession of a surname is theirs and they try to control ownership. Sod them, they can't. Do what feels right and natural to you, ignore the rest. Onwards and upwards.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 14/01/2023 20:48

My Gran got divorced from my Grandad and married again, divorced him in the early 90s and kept her married name until she died in 2018.

He has no say on your name. Fuck him. He is a dick. Keep it if you feel comfortable.

Montague22 · 14/01/2023 20:53

Don’t go to all the hassle of changing it. You might marry again and have to change yet again. It’s a right hassle. You’ve owned the name for long enough so it is yours too.

I still sometimes wear the wedding ring (which has diamonds) and engagement ring from my first wedding. I tried to sell them but you get such a pittance for 2nd hand jewellery I thought ‘sod it they’re mine, one of the best things from that marriage’ 🤣 so I wear them if I want to wear yellow gold. Nothing sentimental, just jewellery. (Current DH was there when I tried to sell and agreed and doesn’t care btw.)
View your name the same, nothing sentimental, it’s just a name.

Gronkle · 14/01/2023 20:54

I've told my dh that if we ever divorce I'd probably go back to my maiden name but if I decide otherwise it's really nothing to do with him, it's my name I own it. I regret changing it on marriage though, so I'd probably go back.

Shiraztonight · 14/01/2023 21:02

When I married I didn't change my name but I understand why you may not want to change your name back when divorced. My dp's ex is Mrs his name and I think that's absolutely fine

Shunkleisshiny · 14/01/2023 21:03

My friend found out her husband of 25 years cheated on her with the daughter of family's friend. After the divorce
friend kept her married name, but double barrelled it with her maiden name 'because they were her names'
Ex isn't happy about it, but his new wife (the ow) is absolutely furious!!!!!!

CrapBucket · 14/01/2023 21:07

I haven't decided what to do yet, I don't love or hate my married name or my maiden name. Might wait a few years until kids are older.

Maze76 · 19/01/2023 23:22

I have recently divorced, married for 7 years, no kids. I have decided to keep my married name, mainly because it’s mine, I can’t be bothered with the admin changing documents etc and also I’ve built quite a successful career, so work colleagues know me by my married name.
Ex doesn’t care that I’m keeping it, I’m sure his girlfriend feels differently- oh well!

EyesOnThePies · 19/01/2023 23:31

How dare he?

Does he think you are a jar of jam to be branded with his label, and re-labelled on his say so?

When you changed your name it became your name. To keep or keep changing as you choose.

Tell him to change his own damn name if he feels strange havjng the same name as you. Perhaps to his mother’s birth name.

The cheek of these men!

Do as you wish, op, your name is your name.

EyesOnThePies · 19/01/2023 23:34

Don’t go to all the hassle of changing it. You might marry again and have to change yet again.

Of course she wouldn’t have to. There is no need for women to change their name every time they get married any more than there is for men to.

Flip