If partner (married) has solicitor should you?

[bowtiedgarlic]

Just that really. Spouse has initiated divorce (individual not joint) and is using a solicitor.

Just wondering whether I should do too?

worried that going via solicitor indicates some sort of “fight” ahead or am I being paranoid?

would you “lawyer up” if partner had?

For info am resigned to this and not contesting (no DV or other circumstances)
I would prefer that it was as amicable as possible but know that may be wishful thinking.

DP and I have mortgage and two DCs under ten.

do you think having a solicitor “ups the ante”?

thanks

There are 2 aspects. Divorce and Financial Settlement.

Re – the Financial Settlement Aspect

You can be a litigant in person. You can get advice from a solicitor / barrister. You can be represented by a solicitor / barrister (info and links at the end).

To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Full and Frank Financial Disclosure - a legal requirement
Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged.

If after Form E there is missing information / evidence Questionnaires may be exchanged to retrieve it.

If still missingDeficiencies are exchanged.

A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information evidence.

A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / evidence / valuations that is missing / essential.

Important to get all the assets "on the table".

The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is taken into account. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

Section 25 Factors
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth. When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court has to apply a checklist of factors set by statute. The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings or negotiating your own settlement. These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will take into account when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

Info and Advice
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension

Free advice line - you can signpost your wife to this - (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Legal advice
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct
Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Please do pass this information on to your wife as it is useful for both of you - and this may assist you in the long run.

The Courts will put the needs of children first.

You don’t have to respond in 14 days just because the letter says so!

see another solicitor, find one you like, then decide your counter proposal

Based on my experience - this is really good advice.

Find the right solicitor for you. The right one won’t talk to you about fixed fees and push you into anything. They will listen and give you the un-varnished truth, based on their experience. They will have your best interests in mind.

The 14 days is a pressure tactic. Ignore it. To put that into context, legally you can’t ask the court to make any kind of financial order until at least the stage when the conditional order for divorce has been granted. And all of that takes months and months, and then some……..

You definitely need a lawyer.

Good luck! Things will improve and you will move past all of this.

Solicitors don’t need to tout for your business tbh, they have enough on generally. You had an hour’s free advice. They have advised you of their rate. No one here can really advise you whether you should spend the guts of 2k. At the end of the day your wife wants a divorce so what is the point in sending one letter for 300 quid? What’s it even going to say? Do you know what you think is a fair split? The 14 day reply deadline is not a legal deadline. Have proceedings even been instigated yet? Was it a male friend that went with you?

Thanks @millymollymoomoo and @Timeforachange2023 - and everyone else for their very helpful advice.

I thought the "14 days" thing looked fishy but didn't know why and am second guessing everything at the moment.

I know I sound "weak" but I just want to move on here but also don't want to be fleeced (by solicitors - not necessarily STBX)

I wake up one day thinking let's just hand this to a solicitor ( I am obviously tired and stressed) and then the next day think - "can we not just find some mutual agreement please?".

Sadly STBX isn't happy to do things without a solicitor and our ability to communicate (beyond kids) has broken down

I genuinely want what is fair and in the best interests of our DC, I loathe confrontation (and STBX knows this)

The 14 day thing isn’t ’fishy’, they are just asking for a prompt response. Obviously this is an emotional time for you. If you can’t separate the emotion from the legal process of ending your marriage, then perhaps it would be best for you to hand it to a solicitor to deal with. You haven’t said you can’t afford the 1800 quid so I am assuming you can. Instructing solicitors doesn’t mean it’s going to be a fight to the death. What brought about the end of your marriage? I doubt your wife has instructed a solicitor because she knows you don’t like confrontation

Say you want to go to mediation - that’s very hard to refuse.

Solicitors are obliged to encourage parties to consider mediation if a settlement cannot be agreed. Mediation is not a free service btw.

Thanks @Eyerollcentral and @HangerLaneGyratorySystem

I get the impression that mediation is a way we can both articulate what we want or think fair

The solicitor I saw said it was a "waste of time" - another reason to add doubt to instructing them

I have looked at Resolution website for solicitors who try to follow "code of conduct" re resolving issues

@Eyerollcentral I can't afford the solicitors at all but I have supportive parents who are prepared to pay if I want to do this - the money is there if needed and I would not have to repay. That said just because it's there I don't want to agree unless it feels right. My wife won't tell me why she wants to end the marriage - she says she will tell me "in time" - I don't know what this means. I have been 100% faithful and still love her - I guess we just grew apart. I earn a lot less than she does and have been primary caregiver to DC (in lieu of childcare and by mutual agreement) - now DC are older I imagine she wants someone who is more ambitious, goal-centric and on a par with her financially. And probably someone she can communicate with and not afraid of confrontation!

In your case borrow the money and instruct the solicitor. You are in a much weaker position and you need advice particularly re your financial position. Mediation is very far away from where you are now. It’s not suitable in all cases. You might like to shop around for a solicitor if you don’t feel the solicitor you saw got the situation but remember they are there primarily to give you advice

@Eyerollcentral I thought mediation was mandatory if cases are going to family court or for financial remedy, when a couple can't agree, unless there's an exemption?

I saw a Resolution solicitor who gave a lot of advice in a fixed fee interview (£160), I didn't want to continue with her but she did suggest mediation.
I was quoted £1k for a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) followed by 2 sessions to come to the basis for writing up the financial agreement.

However, and this is a big however, reading all your posts again I can see why others are saying get a solicitor - because of the children. So I agree, see another solicitor, make sure they are Resolution registered one, you don't just get one shot at the free/cheap advice hour - that last one sounds a bit crap so have another go. You seem to have a lot to lose if you don't get the right advice now. If thing aren't as bad as you fear ie your wife wants to negotiate then you can use some of the advice from the solicitor in the mediation.

It’s mandatory to consider it. It’s not always suitable.

If you are lower earner, have been / are primary carer, and earning capacity weaker you could be looking to receive more than 50% share of all assets.

you simply cannot afford not to hire a solicitor/ but make sure it’s one you are happy with and not pushy, rather offers advice and points to negotiate on to get you a fair outcome

mediation is good starting point

Just get a solicitor and get it done. She’s divorcing you. She’s using a solicitor. You can’t change this and don’t seem to understand the process yourself (not a criticism; I didn’t either), so get someone who does on your ‘team’.

Based on what you are saying about the circumstances you are in, you definitely need to engage a solicitor.

It appears to me that she will already have been advised by her own brief that she could end giving away more than 50% of the marital assets.

Above all though - a good solicitor will be able to see things objectively and doesn’t have the emotional ties to the case like you do. As hard as it is, you do almost have to see the other side as an opponent - but that doesn’t mean a big fight and a court case. It does mean removing the emotion from it all to work out what is fair to both sides.

Do you think you have an accurate picture of the assets involved? As your stbxw is the main earner, do you think she may have savings/investments/pensions that you do not know about? If this is the case, it is imperative to take the time to both complete Form E. Only then can you start to negotiate.

How far is her offer from the 50:50 that you would consider?

(I'm not a solicitor but have been through a long/expensive divorce with an xh who succeeded in making the process as difficult and litigant as possible!)