Exh wants to change access to dc with new job

Cozyfiresandchocolate · 2023-01-11T21:50:19+00:00

Does anyone know how this will work? my exh has just informed me that he has a new job and that he wants to change access with the children. Currently he has them eow and one of evening for dinner (he has also been unemployed for the past 4 years) He now has a new job working 4 days on and 4 days off. He obviously doesn’t want to pay maintenance as he’s stated he is going to get a new court order to have the dc 50/50 on his 4 days off. this messes up our schedules completely, we have weekends away booked with and without the dc (depending on the weekend) we’ve pre-booked our annual leave off work for the year for our weeks (previous court order stated what weeks exh was having the dc in holidays) My job requires at least one regular late finish (so can’t do school run) and 4 on 4 off would mean I can’t give them the same day so messes that up. I do have a bit of flexibility at work but would have to make sure my 30 hours are done in the week and would be impossible if none of his 4 days fall on the days I’m in work can he just do this? We’ve been separated for 6 years and have always kept the current routine

MuggleMe · 11/01/2023 21:53

He'll have to apply for a new court order, and that will also consider the importance of routine for DC and impact on you. He can't go around taking whatever job he fancies without thinking about the implications on everyone else.

PeekAtYou · 11/01/2023 21:56

He can't do this. Weekends are important so that kids can visit extended family and for parents to have quality time with the kids. You shouldn't be punished for this new job and I would insist that you had EOW.

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 22:03

It's not clear in your post 50/50 on his days off meaning he wants to have the children with him on the four days he is off? If that's the case it doesn't really matter about your plans it will be what is best for the children and the children spending time with their father and you equally will be the courts priority. If I were you I wouldn't mess around insisting he requires a new order because let's face it he will likely get what he wants as it's in the best interest of the children. The only thing you have to argue is the one late finish which I'm sure you can find a work around as your job is flexible. Your best bet here is to layout what changes you would be willing to do and see what he says to that and work it out between you like grown adults.

Borris · 11/01/2023 22:04

I don't think he can just expect the rota to change as 4 on 4 off doesn't give any regularity on week nights and so probably won't fit with your work rota if it it's a regular mon-fri job.

Original poster

Cozyfiresandchocolate · 11/01/2023 22:18

@quietnightmare do you think they would let him have 50/50 then? Despite not applying for it in the last court order when he wasn’t even working?
my dc have also said that they don’t want to go to him more they are 12 and 9.
the 9 year old is very strong willed and said no way, the 12 year old said maybe but also said he makes her feel bad.
we also can’t communicate at all. He makes it very clear he hates me (tells the dc) and never reply’s to my messages about dc.
he didn’t even turn up one week in October to collect them from school as thought it was half term.
he won’t tell me when his plans change, he will ring my 12 yo for her to tell me.

I think the message about change in contact is because he knows it will worry me

I don’t mind him having more access as such, if it was say two over night midweek in a set routine then fine but 4 on 4 off would mean I couldn’t do my job

he tried previously to change weekends for no reason in particular, he was single but he knows I have my dsc eow (we have them 50/50) that match with my dc so was just trying to be awkward

OP posts:

bumpytrumpy · 11/01/2023 22:34

For DC of 9 & 12 the court will listen to their views. If they say they're happy with the status quo I can't imagine it would be changed to something so disruptive. Even 50:50 care plans have a structure and 4 on 4 off isnt helpful to a "normal" weekly routine.

The fact he hasn't asked for more time when he hasn't been working is laughable. It's clearly about the money not the children.

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 22:36

Ahhhhh if they are 9 and 12 then the. Hundreds options will be taken into account sorry I thought they were younger. I would still offer what you would be willing and try and negotiate out of court. Sad that he is so bitter towards you but perhaps this might be a gateway to having a better conparenting relationship if he feels that both of you are getting a fair deal?

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 22:37

Then the children's opinions will be taken on. That should say

MadeForThis · 11/01/2023 22:38

Keep contact on the same schedule until he goes back to court. He won't.

My guess is he doesn't want to pay child support.

millymollymoomoo · 11/01/2023 22:39

Based on egdtbyouve said I think it highly unlikely he’d get it

Courts like to keep the status quo and the fact your children don’t want it will carry slot if weight- especially the 12 year old
he’d have to demonstrate how and why it’s on the childrens best interest to change their current pattern particularly when they are stating they don’t want jt chsnged

this is about maintenance - he’s stating it now he has an income rather than when he was unemployed and could have had them more. I know this is not the answer but would he still want 50:50 if you said you didn’t expect any ( presume he’s not been paying anyway)

ILovePigsInBlankets · 11/01/2023 22:41

Let him go to court and try to get a court order.

I would expect that your children's views - or your eldest at least- would be taken into account along with the fact that 4 days with you followed by 4 days at dads would be disruptive and provide no routine for the children - their days with each parent would be different each week with no routine of eg every Monday - Thursday in one house etc.

I think the fact that he's only asking for 50/50 now he's earning a wage (to avoid an increase in child maintenance) rather than when he was unemployed with lots of spare time to be a parent speaks volumes and hopefully a judge will see through that too.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/01/2023 22:45

I would offer him.2 week.nights and eow.

Make it clear he will be responsible for childcare on those days if its school holiday.

It does seem startling obvious this is about maintenance not the children.

Does he currently pay through cms ? I would put a claim in the day he starts the job if not.

FfaCoffi · 11/01/2023 22:47

If he's meant to have the DC and it's one of his days, then the DC are his responsibility on those days and he'll have to find childcare. It's what working parents do.

He can't just get a job and assume you'll jump to his tune by not only being the childcare but also paying for this privilege through the impact to your job and the maintenance you'll not get. The bare-faced cheek of it!

If it was me, I'd say if he wants to do this job and to have the DC more, then fine, but it needs to be on the same days and he needs to pay for childcare on those days he's at work.

onyttig · 11/01/2023 22:53

4 days on, 4 days off is a shit schedule for the kids. Just because it suits him, and looks like ‘equal parenting’ doesn’t make it the best thing for the children, who get a pattern that requires them to check a calendar to see where they will be next month.

OverTheRubicon · 11/01/2023 23:02

@quietnightmare sounds like they've read a few MN posts and is an instant expert. I'm also not an expert but as well as my own experience, have plenty of other single mum friends who've been through this including shift work.

Courts are not going to see 50/50 as a necessary best outcome given that (a) his schedule will be constantly changing and therefore have an impact on the childrens' routines and stability and (b) the status quo being far from 50/50. Hopefully it would never get to court though, as the vast majority of child arrangements never need to, and it adds so much cost and bitterness.

Can you discuss alternatives properly? Or if not, could be worth speaking to a lawyer to get expert advice, and/or with a mediator who could facilitate a discussion, with knowledge of what is typical and what might result if you couldn't resolve and it went to court (honestly very unlikely, plenty of men say 50/50 when they realise no CMS would be due, but back off when it comes to it).

AmyandPhilipfan · 11/01/2023 23:05

My husband works a similar shift and if we weren't together I think it would be awful for the children as the days he works are slightly different every week so if it was a 50:50 situation I don't think they'd know if they were coming or going.

If it's a rolling 4 day on 4 day off shift pattern, never changing, then it's a 7 week pattern so in M,T,W,Th off F,S,S,M in T,W,Th,F and so on for seven weeks then starts again with the first day at work a Monday. If it stays like that then for 3 weeks he'll have two of the same days off each week.

So you could suggest a two day contact each week with him having them, for example, Wednesday and Thursday each week for three weeks (as for three weeks he'll definitely be off on those days) then the next three weeks have them three consecutive weekends Saturday and Sunday. Then I would suggest a week off then start again. That way the children won't be too confused as they'll get used to Dad's on a Wednesday and Thursday for three weeks then Saturday and Sunday for three weeks then a week just at Mum's then begin again.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/01/2023 23:05

Keep to the same routine. He decided to take a job which meant he couldn't fulfill his caring obligations so he needs to source childcare for the weekday evening and the every other weekend he has them when his working days fall on them

N.b I know fully well he won't, and as the kids don't want to go always it's win win. Bit it does mean you will have to source some childcare yourself to plug the gaps. And make sure you log overnights so you can change the info on the CMS claim.

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 23:08

@OverTheRubicon thanks for your input I'll put my resignation in at my law firm tomorrow 🙄

Borris · 11/01/2023 23:12

@AmyandPhilipfan suggestion seems workable from the kids point of view

quietnightmare · 11/01/2023 23:14

AmyandPhilipfan · 11/01/2023 23:05

My husband works a similar shift and if we weren't together I think it would be awful for the children as the days he works are slightly different every week so if it was a 50:50 situation I don't think they'd know if they were coming or going.

If it's a rolling 4 day on 4 day off shift pattern, never changing, then it's a 7 week pattern so in M,T,W,Th off F,S,S,M in T,W,Th,F and so on for seven weeks then starts again with the first day at work a Monday. If it stays like that then for 3 weeks he'll have two of the same days off each week.

So you could suggest a two day contact each week with him having them, for example, Wednesday and Thursday each week for three weeks (as for three weeks he'll definitely be off on those days) then the next three weeks have them three consecutive weekends Saturday and Sunday. Then I would suggest a week off then start again. That way the children won't be too confused as they'll get used to Dad's on a Wednesday and Thursday for three weeks then Saturday and Sunday for three weeks then a week just at Mum's then begin again.

This

Rtmhwales · 11/01/2023 23:19

I'd simply reply, "This is not in the children's best interests and I do not agree to the change. The original court order will remain in effect. I am open to mediation or court if mediation does not work."

Just stay neutral and unengaged. The onus is on him to change the court order and prove it's in their best interests.

tappinginto2023 · 12/01/2023 08:22

I doubt the court will allow your ex h new shift-job to dictate the lives of the children - 50/50 is not the best outcome for most children.

Original poster

Cozyfiresandchocolate · 12/01/2023 19:41

Thanks everyone, this has made me feel slightly better in that I don’t think the court would actually award him 50:50 on his new job and the fact he’s never done it and the kids don’t want it.

I think he will likely stop contact if he doesn’t get his way because that’s another way to get at me (it’s actually easier as then I can arrange after school clubs on his days) as with not saving his maintenance payments, he would see the hassle of extra school runs wouldn’t be worth his while if he’s not saving money with it.
he’s such a piece of work, it’s unreal. I’m really glad he has a job now though, it’s better all round, I just don’t fancy the stress of more court hearings or mediation, it time off work I don’t have enough leave for and more hassle

OP posts: