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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

I’m trying not to be scared

9 replies

Shookethtothecore · 10/01/2023 23:51

Hello,
I am married with 3 small children.
dh wants to leave. Life with him is impossible and I have tried everything. I think he is going to leave me.
dh is self employed and earns well. I have no access to the accounts, and I have been a stay at home mum since our children were born.
how can I keep my children in their home? I have been their primary cater their whole lives (dh worked away and works long hours) and I have nothing. No savings. I recently started working part time.
dh will try to rush me to leave the house. He will want to buy me out. I cannot afford to live in this area or anywhere close and my kids are settled here.
dh is a very difficult man. I have to prepare myself I think.
i have a brilliant therapist and he thinks that dh is abusive. I have to prepare myself for the worst I think.
am I delusional for thinking I could somehow keep our home?
I don’t even care about the actual money I just want my children to be as minimally disrupted as possible.
i really need help

thank you

OP posts:
FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/01/2023 00:03

don't panic.

the institution of marriage exists in part to protect women in your situation - the huge risk of giving up your financial independence is offset by a degree of security that your financial future is protected. the system isn't perfect and it is possible for financially abusive areseholes to get away with continuing to be financially abusive so it's not going to be plain sailing, but he can't throw you and the kids out.

when the assets are split, it doesn't matter whose name things are in, they are assets of the marriage and will probably be split 50:50 though there's a possibility that you could get more than 50% if that is what is needed to adequately house the children.

If the house is the only significant asset then rather than it being sold to split immediately, it's possible to apply to the courts for an order to say that you get to live there until your youngest child is 18, and it's sold and split then.

you need professional advice.

millymollymoomoo · 11/01/2023 07:31

You may or may not be able to keep the house
wull completely depend on total assets available, earnings ( and potential) of both parties, are you over housed, your ability to pay the mortgage and bills ongoing etc
sometimes it’s just not possible to kept it

a mesher order may also not be the best outcome as it keeps you tied, impacts his ability to move on as well as yours and in years to come when you have to sell you could find yourself with an appreciating assets ( ie gone up in value) and you owe him larger amount, you’re then older and mortgages can be more tricky. Is it can sometimes just kick the can down the line

see a solicitor and get some advise and take it from there

Shookethtothecore · 11/01/2023 08:21

Thank you.

i have no money to pay for a solicitor. Well, I’m assuming they are expensive. Would citizens advise help?

OP posts:
Shookethtothecore · 11/01/2023 08:23

I feel so stupid for giving up my financial security.

why did I let him talk me in to it.

OP posts:
wonderwhattodo · 11/01/2023 08:33

Try rights of women helpline - limited opening hours but they give free family law advice

also child law advice org uk

FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/01/2023 08:34

Shookethtothecore · 11/01/2023 08:21

Thank you.

i have no money to pay for a solicitor. Well, I’m assuming they are expensive. Would citizens advise help?

most solicitors will do an initial half hour to get the basics and suggest what they can do for free.

it should be possible to make an arrangement that fees will be deducted from the final settlement when it comes through, so you wouldn't need much money up front. there have been many thousands of women in this position, there are structures in place to help you.

the fees may sound scarey but a good solicitor could make a difference of many tens of thousands of pounds in what you end up with, so a few thousand of that on fees is a sensible decision.

yes talk to Citizens Advice and also to Womens Aid

millymollymoomoo · 11/01/2023 08:40

You can also do a lot of research online to help educate yourself

how old are your children? A mesher for very long time ( say 10 years) is not preferred if can be avoided? What are your plans for returning full time?

have you thought about child arrangements and where they will live / access arrangements?
have you looked at benefits? Child maintenance?

start looking into these too

whycantitbecalm · 15/01/2023 22:05

@Shookethtothecore
I am in the same situation but with teens rather than young children, sahm have been manipulated to have nothing for myself
I highly recommend finding out as much info as possible.

You have rights and so do your children and the last persons advice you should listen to is his

I have been reading this a bit at a time and gathering all i can.

www.advicenow.org.uk/file/2802/download?token=an35ko8n

ResponsetoOPImtryingnottobescared · 29/01/2023 19:41

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement.

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is taken into account.

As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

Upon divorce and in financial settlement, the needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Regarding the business and other assets.
Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged.

Form E and disclosure of assets
Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example money in bank accounts, property (the former marital home), pensions, businesses, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

Not getting full disclosure of assets?
If after Form E there is missing information / evidence Questionnaires may be exchanged to retrieve it - a request for documents outstanding and required, and any questions about information/documents already submitted.
If documents or info still missing after response to questionnaires is received, Deficiencies are exchanged - a request for documents outstanding and required, and any questions about information/documents already submitted.

A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information and/or documentary evidence if the other party has not sent it or are reluctant to do so.

A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / evidence / valuations that is missing / essential.

If there is reluctance to disclose information, it may be where the money is.
All required financial information should be "put on the table" with documentary evidence.

Finding out what assets are worth
To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report, a valuation of the business and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Some information on the business may be on www.gov.uk/government/organisations/companies-house A business can also be valued.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079

Section 25 Factors
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth. When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court has to apply a checklist of factors set by statute. The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings or negotiating your own settlement. These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will take into account when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

Only once all the assets are disclosed and valued can an informed decision be made about what the split should be and what parties are prepared to settle on.

Guide on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Representing yourself (litigant in person) / Getting Legal Advice / Legal Representation
Divorcing parties can be litigants in person or be represented by solicitor or barrister.

Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates

Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.

Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.

Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct
Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships.

Domestic Abuse
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Over your tracks online
www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

Call 999 in an emergency or in immediate danger. Teach children to to this.

If you’re in an emergency situation and need police help, but can’t speak
Make Yourself Heard and let the 999 operator know your call is genuine:
www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf

Take a deep breath. You can stand strong. The Courts will put the children first and take your needs into account.

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