Contact arrangements special needs

[wonderwhattodo]

has anyone been in the situation of having an autistic teen and much younger child with a STBEX

STBEX has a baby on the way with OW

I’m wondering if anyone has experience of child arrangements that work

What are your concerns?

my situation is different, as my exH hasn’t gone on to have more children, but I do have 3 dc with ASD who range in age from 9-19 (exH is dad to all 3).

contact arrangements have been difficult, and not entirely successful. Only the youngest still goes to exH’s for regular contact. My teens have both stopped going at their request, as they felt unsupported when there.

What was the pattern of when they were meant to go ?

Supposed to be a typical every other weekend plus one night in the week, then extra in school holidays.

eldest (severe autism and learning difficulties) has had periods of not sleeping over there, but only going for daytime contact. Also has never stayed more than 3 nights in a row during school holidays as needs to come back to me for some consistency and a recharge. Currently not going at all, except for a 3 hour period on Saturday afternoon of exH’s weekend.

middle dc (dx of Asperger’s) went for the first 6 months or so, then stopped for about a year (didn’t go at all), tried again for another 8 months or so, and again stopped all contact.

youngest (moderate ASD) has also had a couple of periods lasting maybe 3 months or so where didn’t go at all, but otherwise mostly goes due to age and not really being able to say (legally) doesn’t want to go. Now coming up to an age where that decision will carry more weight, and is once more wavering (eg will go for contact tomorrow after school, but doesn’t want to sleep over)

Thanks
How do you manage? Do you have any extra pairs of hands around to help you?

I have 4 children 2 with asd ex doesn’t have them at all because they are “too hard” is it the new baby you are worried about?

I’m confused and don’t know what will work best

I manage because I have to (not helpful, but true). I haven’t had help until now, but eldest dc does now have a surprisingly helpful social worker, and it looks like something will now materialise.

I think the current contact was never going to work, and proposed a different schedule which he rejected. He threatened to claim parental alienation if I continued to be ‘difficult’ (ie try to sort out what was best for the children) over contact. So I went with what he wanted, and here we are - 2 of them no longer see him for any significant period, and the third also struggles.

think about it from your dc’s perspective. Will they be ok with their dad? Will they be safe? Will their needs be met? What do (you think) they want? Are you able to ask them their views? Will they understand what is happening? (Sorry for so many questions)

Thank you - really helps to clarify things

I think I know what’s needed
questions is will he agree