Did you agree to less than 50% in your divorce?

[Toomanysleepycats]

My STBXH and I are still living in the family home. We decided to divorce April 2022. It is at my instigation. He is a bully, controlling and entitled. Even now I am still walking on eggshells.

Things have dragged on. We are both retired and own the FMH and a rented property which has just become vacant. My husband previously said he would move into the rental as soon as it was vacant, but has now said he won’t until we have a signed financial order. We have agreed to sell the FMH. We will share his work pension. There are no mortgages.

I am desperate for him to move out. He is very driven and is making sure he calls all the shots, I am very passive but I can’t undo over 30 years being like this.

I guess 80% of our joints assets are agreed, but the way things are going he will fight tooth and nail over the rest.

Im thinking of just agreeing to everything to get it over with. Even with only half of the 80% it will be enough to buy a decent home (smaller of course), and I’ll have enough to live on and will get a state pension in a couple of years.

But I pretty sure my solicitor will argue against this and tells me the judge could well throw it out.

Has anyone done this? When is enough enough?

You can agree to anything you want? There is no law that says it must be 50/50 it's just accepted that this is the starting point for negotiations. I'm on the other side of this but my STBEXH is agreeing to around 35%. That's his choice

I or he may do this, we are just starting on the journey.

What is the 20% of your assets not yet agreed, is that the pension or part of the properties or something else?
How would giving up the 20% make him move out sooner?
Are both your properties up for sale right now?

Is that 20% a high value? I'd happily go without exactly 50% for the peace of mind.

Also, it's sort of in the solicitor's interest to keep you arguing as they charge for all the letters, etc. If the 20% isn't tons of money I expect a judge would sign it off.

Yes, I agreed to about 30%, there was a variety of reasons for this - assets from before our relationship started, inheritance moneys etc I just wouldn't have felt comfortable taking stuff that really wasn't mine. Regardless. I don't think just 'being married' should have entitled me to it! It rarely goes 50/50 anyway.

I agreed to less than 50 as it was enough for me and I was too scared to fight. We had to fight to get anything! It does have to be reasonable as the court can throw it out, but agree to what you think is fair and what you are happy with. I had to sign a document to say I was going against legal advice settling, but I don’t regret my decision.

Move into the rental yourself?

Hi, Thankyou for your replies.

@peanutbutterkid
It’s about a change of use consent which when we get it would increase the value of the rental property that he intends to live in permanently.
The rest is from a joint business which he has now dissolved. The assets can be used for personal use and is connected to his hobbies. In fact the business was his hobby.

The total comes to about £210,000 - £250,000, this is about 15% to 20% of the available plot.

@PositiveLife Do you think a judge would sign off this amount as fair?

@menareallthesame I think I’m in the same place as you, I am actually too scared/intimidated to fight, which is why I want him out of the house so he can’t bully me further. Eg I wake up and find out he has left the back door unlocked overnight, even though I don’t use the back door and he does, but it is my fault as I am the one who locks up as night (I wonder why that is?) And a conversation about that can go incredibly wrong if I don’t let it drop or walk away. Interesting about the disclaimer.

Did anyone not do a CEV? on the pension? Solicitor says I should, husband doesn’t want to waste the money.

Sorry, available pot of money, not available plot.

Honestly I would go and stay in the rental property seeing as though be won't. Should be left empty for insurance purposes anyway.

Thank you @Someone15055 It was in the interests of everyone involved, including my children. If I'd have pushed for more it would have meant even more upheaval and also it would have been bitter and there would be no hope of any amicable relationship with the father of my children. As it is, we went for coffee last week.

But I do agree. Some things were clearly his, he had worked hard before I came along and had a mortgage free property as a result. What right did I have to stake any claim over that?

@RandomMess Actually moving into the rental was my first thought. But …..

He never wanted to sell the FMH, but couldn’t afford to live there, pay for the mortgage and maintain his high spending level. We have since paid off the mortgage and divided some joint savings as we agreed to sell it.

He has been very sneaky about a number of things (all money), so I have a real worry he would hunker down and refuse to sell the family home. Neither house is up for sale yet.

Given that you have agreed to share his pension I would personally give in on this on the proviso that the houses go on the market and he moves out pronto whilst the house is sold. I think the loss involved is balanced by the stress involved in arguing about it .

I think you need to accept this is all going to end in court and quite possibly with court orders being enforced to sell up anyway. He wants to be in control and win.

Have you a shit hot lawyer that is experienced in getting favourable outcomes with controlling, bullying spouses like this? That will be money well spent.

I took no money from my marriage when we divorced and was left with debts that were higher than the equity in the house. I agreed to it as otherwise she would have taken our children to the country of her affair partner. She left the country and left the kids to me. I was broke and struggled, but the kids were fine so I was happy.

I think there are often good reasons to settle for less than you might get in court.

But I’d think carefully about what his motivation for fighting over the 20% is. Is it about wanting to keep a particular asset or wanting to feel he has won by walking away with more or feeling it’s fair that he takes more or genuine need for it or is he just spoiling for a fight and using this issue as a way to control you. I think that should inform your response and it may give you ideas as to a potential resolution.

And equally you need to consider what your motivation for agreeing this sort of settlement would be. Is the potential peace of mind of avoiding court and getting a resolution worth c. £100k. It might be! But will you feel resentment in the long term. The certainty of the valuation you’ve put on these assets and whether you would be awarded half in court is also important- I don’t know how the increase in value for change of use consent would be treated but if there is uncertainty on this that obviously makes settling now more attractive.

You forfeiting £100k does not sound fair in a £1 million joint pot.

I know a couple where the F dropped a claim to one significant asset in return for the M dropping objections to a particular education plan for their child. Which he did.

To me it's about the overall deal rather than exactly 50%, but if you drop a claim to something the law says you have a claim on, ask for something you want in return. Usually that's speed or them moving out, which is why they don't. But do listen to your solicitor very carefully and consider whether you can find other support which will help you stay strong of you need to.

I left a marriage with MUCH less than 50% but it was me who wanted things to change, we'd only been married 4 years and we didn't have children. I also earned about a 5th of what he did. I felt I had no moral claim on most of it.

I would encourage you to investigate this option as it might make a significant difference to you.

I'd look at the pension sharing, is that getting 50/50 of the income stream? Could he still chose to take a lump sum out of it and reduce the income stream? If you're splitting the asset value of the pension then it needs to be valued. It can be more complex than the pension being worth the current balance depending on the scheme.

Something else to consider too is whether he'd simply start arguing over something else if you agree to his demands? It doesn't sound like he's a reasonable person, if it's also about punishing/harming you, as much as the money he'll demand something else or go back on previous agreements because he'll see his behaviour is getting him what he wants. PPs suggestion of getting something in exchange, like he agrees to move out immediately and put FMH up for sale asap, might help here.

My friend gave in and agreed to less than 50%, as she was exhausted from his pettiness. It went to the judge and he wouldn't stamp it saying it wasn't fair. He sent it back to solicitors and instead of £60k she got £90k, only you know if you're happy to accept it all.

Thank you all for your replies.

@Circe7
His motivation is that he likes to be in control and is never wrong, and I didn’t earn this money.

He was in the military and I was a STAHM when children came along.

The stuff he doesn’t want to share are personal assets he bought from consultancy work he did after he left the military. Halfway through this period my Dd went to uni. I carried on staying at home doing 99% of all the household stuff. So from his point of view, this should be his as I was neither working nor bringing up children. There’s other money tied up in the rental he doesn’t want to share.

He thinks that as I am the one who wants this divorce, why should he be worse off. He won’t take on board that if he’d been nicer to me I would have stayed.

@DumpedByText My solicitor is telling me that the judge could reject it if I settle for too little, like you say happened to your friend.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons Thankyou for info ref pension. He is telling me not to get it valued. Perhaps I should take that as proof that I do need to do that.

Yes, I probably need to think carefully about not agreeing to too much too quickly in case he then comes up with other demands and I have nothing left to trade.

Thank you all

Hi 👋
I’m in the same-ish position, you have my sympathy 😔
I am over 60, stbxh is 5 years younger, he earns £150k, has another property with equity of £80k, I earn £18k. There is £600k equity in MH and he has over £100k in bank, I have nothing.
Pensions, about the same.
Plus I have a serious illness which affects my mobility, but I still work 4 days a week, because I have no choice, I would love to retire, but can’t at present.
But like you, I’m exhausted with it all, he is a very strong person, and with his financial clout etc, I’m on the verge of just giving in to 50:50 as it’s affecting my mental health, am on anti depressants and have counselling. My solicitor doesn’t want me to give up, because I would struggle to cope financially up until state pension age if I was forced to give up work because of my illness. But I do see how you feel like giving up. If I was younger and in better health I’d definitely keep on fighting so to speak. Good luck, I hope you get it sorted 👍

@Satellitelondon, ignore that last comment. It's not about what you can save between now and retirement, especially if you are close to retiring age, but what you may have failed to put into your pension pot either because your earnings were low ( often due to childcare ) or you were relying on your other half's earnings/pension provision in the years of your marriage. Of course you should be entitled to 50% of that.