Navigating divorce and the in laws

[Lucylocks89]

This is my first post here but I guess I am looking for some support and reassurance.
I am in the middle of divorce, me and ex dh have 2 children dds aged 2 and 6.
I found out he was cheating on me when I was 9 months pregnant. Give things another try for dds bit affair did not end as I found out some 18 months later.
myself and dds left and it has been difficult to say the least.
MIL was extremely supportive and myself and dds relied on her a lot.
however long story short there was always a lot of tension and jealousy from bil and his wife particularly against me and my children.
myself and dds were at mil house on Xmas when bil and sil arrived in the evening and started an awful nasty fight with myself. In front of children. Bil angrily shouting at me, saying he was sick of me acting the martyr and that there was a reason why dh was divorcing me. I became tearful but they did not stop. in laws did not try to intervene or put a stop to things. I had to contact a family member to come and pick me and dds up. Everyone was distraught. I have since cut all contact with in laws. I don’t feel I could ever trust them or put myself in that position again

Tbh it doesn’t sound like your in laws are the real problem
it also sounds like it was just an over heated overblown argument that got a bit out of hand but happens
I mean you don’t need to have contact with them if that’s your choice, but with a bit of tine, breathing space and for things to came down/progress with your divorce perhaos this can be resolved

Hi OP sounds like you are having a rough time.

I'd say that if you haven't spoken to them or had contact since Xmas day then the ball is firmly in their court to reach out to you.

The main problem here is BIL. In-laws have already been very supportive in the light of their other sons mistake so are surely not bad people. So I wouldn't judge them too hardly. They were maybe shocked or don't do conflict or are afraid of losing both of their sons if they were seen to take your side.

Something about you being there made BIL feel deeply uncomfortable. He possibly feels his parents are being disloyal. He let you and them know this in a vicious and unkind way. But I still think it is a clear sign you need to step back and find your own support network and not still be at the Centre of their family and gatherings.

At some point the current relationship and situation was always going to become unsustainable and would change. Unfortunately it's happened in quite a violent shocking way. But it was highly likely over the coming months to change anyway.

Your former mother in law could still be a useful support but with some boundaries on both sides. Such as not discussing her son or the divorce or going over to their home and her son facilitating their contact (for the forseeable) If you wish to continue the relationship call her or write her a note thanking her for her support.

Personally I wouldn't challenge her on not intervening. She's already likely to be pretty devastated.

Sounds v unpleasant. However, when people divorce it can be really tricky as your bil may think that his parents are not being supportive of his brother having you over at xmas. His parents are probably doing it because they want contact with your kids. At the end of the day, even though their son had the affair, he is still their son. They may disapprove of his behaviour but surely love him regardless.

Would it not be simpler for your ex to have your kids at his parents rather than you where possible? Not sure much to be gained for either party by your continuing to have a close relationship with your in laws. Imo they are best keeping it civil and polite but not close. Their son is their son. You were part of their family, when you divorce you are not. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is the reality. Your kids will of course continue to be part of their family. Some people may have other ideas but for me its about boundaries and understanding things have now changed.