Don't judge, I had an affair

[RachieC00]

Hello, I know people will have their opinions about my situation and that's fair. I can assure you it's nothing I haven't already thought of myself or probably been told already. I am still coming to terms with the fact I have done what I've done but I am trying to move forward. Quick run down I had an affair at the beginning of last year. I am still with the man I did this with. Cutting out a lot of s**t in between I am currently divorcing my husband. I don't love him anymore, haven't for a long time and I know I've made the right decision when it comes to him but I know I went completely the wrong way about it and again not sure why I did what I did tbh. never thought in a million years I'd be that person to do that. Its so out of character and I upset / hurt so many people and some relationships I will never be able to mend. I have 2 beautiful children aged 3 and 4.They are amazing and myself and STBex will have them 50/50. We are just about to put the family house up for sale that we worked and invested so much in to it's so emotional. I guess my Qs are if anyone else had been in the situation as a woman. Will the guilt ever ease? can you be normal again? Its so tough as I don't love my husband, don't miss him etc but my heart breaks for the kids. I know both of us will provide and give the kids a great life seperatly as we are, most of time, semi amicable but my head just wurrs a lot with worry. I want to be with my kids more it's horrendous only having them 50% of the time, I cry every time I leave them and miss them terribly. I know that people will say it was my decision to divorce but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't want to be with their dad not not with them but I can't have it best of both and their dad deserves to see them as well as he didn't ask for any of this and I have destroyed his life. If anyone has been / is in same position How do you deal with that as a mum? Does it become easier? How do move forward from your guilt? I know I am not a bad person but I acted extremely badly for 6 months before everything was out in the open, isolating myself from all friends and family. Again I have no answers why I did it, maybe I was much more unhappy than I realised at the time. There's many factors I could contribute to it but the fact it it's happened and now I want to be able to get on with a new life - thank u for any support I can get from women in a similar position.

Contrary to on here in RL affairs are usually the culmination of many things and problems. I’m not saying it’s ok, and yes it was your decision but it doesnt mean your ex is likely to be perfect.

marriages break down for many reasons - the priority now is to try to split as civilly as possible ( does not mean be a doormat ) and work out how to co parent well. If you can do that your children will come out fine

does 50:50 work for your children? If not, do t agree it

dont make decisions based on guilt

You speak about missing out on not seeing your dc but flip it around. Why should your ex then be limited to reduced time due to your decision? 50/50 is a good starting point. I'd imagine affair man might not want to little children running around all the time anyway. Often affairs fail when the reality of it hits, especially if the mother is the main care giving of young children. The excitement of seeking about goes when the days to days life begins.

Same here although my children were late teens and I had lived in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. I went about it the wrong way, I know, and should’ve had the guts to own up about my feelings for stbx years ago (no attraction and he was very cold emotionally) but I kept the peace by staying quiet. Boom! Another man blew me away. And this went on for a few years.
Massive fall out for me but my eldest is going to university this year and the youngest is with me mostly (95% of the time). OM kept ending it and coming back but it took it’s toll on me in the end.

Like you, I had never thought I was capable of such a thing (I’m in a senior professional role too which doesn’t excuse my behaviour). It started as a friendship and neither of us wanted it to go further. We clicked. In every aspect. Both of us missing something in our lives. It went further.

I feel terrible for hurting my stbx (although nobody knows about the affair) but I also feel immense bitterness and regret that I continued to live in a marriage with no affection, intimacy or sex. Even though I thought it was fine, it wasn’t.

I struggle to look for someone else. OM even encouraged me to look for someone else in the end saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted/needed. Trouble is, no-one matches him (he blew me away, really) and I have this awful feeling all the time of my stbx living alone (which he had never wanted to do) so I feel guilty in that way. I know, however, the marriage wasn’t successful and should’ve ended years ago. I do care for him but not in a husband/wife way.

And here I am, paying ££££ to a solicitor group who do sod all and waiting to put the family home on the market. Stbx moves out 2 years ago. And, I am still
alone at night and still living like a single person. Big screw up!

I have emailed a counsellor this morning as I really need to speak to someone about the total cock up I have made.

OM got away without a scratch. I know where his wife is and could tell her but decided not to. I wish I could as he does deserve it but that is something I couldn’t do. He told me all sorts that I snow don’t know if he was lying or not.

I was very inexperienced with men. Not sure if this has anything to do with it.

I hope you manage to move forward but it seems you aren’t emotionally or physically engaged in this marriage and it would cause you great grief to stay.

Thank you for you replies. I know the stats when it comes to affairs. Also I'm not saying I want the children more than my stbx as I know that's unfair and unreasonable but I crave my kids when they're not with me. Again my doing and I'll have to get used to it I suppose. I have no regrets leaving my husband we have been together 16 years and it was lifeless sex less and altho I guess time will.l tell but I feel I'd rather be alone than back with him. I guess reality of not seeing the kids as much and not doing the 'normal' family things but again I guess that comes with time too they will still l do all those things but with mummy or daddy rarely both. Yes speak to a counsellor I did initially but then stopped but I may go back tbh as it did help to air things with someone outside your circle. Thanks again

It's hard being away from your children but may be you're lucky to have 50:50 given the circumstance. You were unhappy but you broke your commitment dishonestly and hurtfully and I'm so doing have changed the course of your children's lives. You need to accept responsibility and make the best of the situation. Missing your children is hard but it's the consequence of your actions. Your ex will miss them terribly too when they're with you but he didn't bring any of this about so it would be a further bad action to try to take away from his time with them.

If the OP had ended her marriage without having the affair she would still be looking at 50:50 time with her children so that's not a consequence of the affair.

Also, her STBXH isn't without responsibility for the marriage ending. He knew it was sexless and more than likely knew she was unhappy. The OP's actions don't make him an innocent victim.

Cannot imagine having to share my children and not see them for 50 percent of the time. Worse will be when stbx gets a woman and they are with your children when you're not there. Such a nightmare and so long a period of time to deal with it.

I’m sorry, OP. I hope you find some sort of recourse that works well for you two. A lot of us remain in unhappy marriages cos of kids. I’m not saying this is right but it is what it is.

@RachieC00 my ex husband has residence and lives 200 miles away. I won't go into detail as its water under the bridge now but I'm 6 years in and I promise you it does get easier. I say that as someone who contemplated suicide when the arrangement was made.

You did the right thing , you ended a marriage that wasn’t working. A marriage is 2 people so he must have been aware on some level and chose to ignore. Yes the ending could have been better, but you are human and fuck ups happen. You would have been 50 50 if you’d walked before the affair so that’s what it is. You miss your kids, so does he. So you need to reframe the time apart… go to the gym, the cinema for movies that are not child friendly whatever it is that distracts for now. It will become more normal in time. You can be ok, it just takes work and time

Someone you have to be woman enough to make the most of it. My DDs step mum is really lovely and I am very glad she is in DDs life. Co-Parenting also involves the step parent.

*Sometimes not Someone

I’m confused about why you have such young children and the marriage must have already been on the rocks. Why?

I’m not going to judge you. Life is complicated and we are instinctively driven to find meaningful connections with people.

In 5 years time you’ll look back and realise that it was the right choice. Give yourself a break OP.

No judgement from me ... wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I'm currently in a similar position, although slightly different,
I cheated on my STBexH 4 years ago.
Not justifying or making excuses for myself but I was in such a low place, feeling often suicidal and fighting for him to listen to me. I ended up sleeping with someone else .. I pretty much told my ex immediately, few days later and after a horrid night of arguing and other stuff which involved the police, we separated. I ended up trying to force a relationship with this OM, I guess I felt like I had too. To almost justify what I had done. I don't really know.
He seemed great, he wasn't. It didn't last long.
Not long after me and exH got back together. Was meant to be a slow process but didn't end up being and within no time we were back together he was back in the house and things were all ok.for a short time anyway. However within months we were back to where we were before we separated but slowly over the last 4 years they've got worse and worse and I was back to where I was before in terms of my mental health etc.
About 1.5 years ago I got talking to someone through an online community I was part off and we became good friends which then built on a more emotional level then to feelings. Soon as I recognised what was going on I took charge of 'me' and started going to therapy to work on myself. I am not this person, I mean, I obviously am, but I'm not.
6 months later me and husband are separated and I'm in therapy working through the fact that it's become clear I've been in an emotional and sexually abusive marriage.
I'm still in contact with the recent OM but right now I'm focusing on me and a big part of that is dealing with my guilt of what I did and the hurt I caused from my side. Everyday I hate myself. I never ever thought I could do something like this circumstances aside.
I hate that I've broken up our family unit ... although realistically there wasn't one.
I'm also dreading what's to come and not always being with the kids.

I know different but same feelings and I get it. Affairs aren't always black and white.

Big hugs.

"Also, her STBXH isn't without responsibility for the marriage ending. He knew it was sexless and more than likely knew she was unhappy. The OP's actions don't make him an innocent victim."

I don't buy this. Your projecting a lot by saying her ex knew it was sexless - how do you know? Can't see that OP said this. Maybe they had incompatible sex drives? Maybe he had health challenges that impacted his performance. But even you're right that he knew there were problems it doesn't make them equally responsible for the split. Even if a relationship isn't perfect no one deserves to be deceived by the person they trust. People don't consent to being cheated on so it's an abuse. Not being satisfied in a relationship doesn't justify trampling over the rights of the other person, when kids are involved it's selfish and irresponsible on a whole other level.

You'll feel guilty about this for a long time, but in years to come you will be in a better place and hopefully in a loving relationship. I was with my exh a long time, knew I didn't love him, but had kids to him and stayed put for as long as I could. I had no affairs, but it caused a lot of drama when I eventually left. I cheated on my next partner a few times. Looking back I know it was because he wasn't giving me the love and attention my damaged self needed. A decade later and I'm finally with a man who loves me as deeply as I love him and I would never cheat. Let's say I've finally grown up! As a pp said, get yourself hobbies, gym etc. Live your own life and learn to love yourself. I was very fortunate that my exh met a great woman who still co parents with me even though they split up recently. She's ace and a much better parent than he ever was. Life will get easier 💐

Find other stuff to do when you don't have the kids. Start a new hobbie, start an open University course, go to the gym, make plans with friends. Look at it as a positive.

My DH has his kids 50%. I know it's not the same as they're my step kids but I do miss my little 4yo DSD when she's at her mum's. But the week we don't have the kids I use to get some decorating done, do more gym classes or just enjoy the peace and quiet with DH. Get all those little DIY jobs finished off that you can't do when the kids are in bed in case you wake them.

It will get easier in time but this is your new reality. Make the most of it.

This 💯.

Sometimes there's no right or wrong just consequences

OP’s husband had 50% responsibility for the marriage. OP also had 50% responsibility for the marriage.
We always seem to assume that OPs in these cases were blameless spouses and worked hard on the marriage and the betrayed spouse was the one with the issues. Maybe sometimes this is true. But once the affair started all the energy for the marital relationship went elsewhere. We have no idea in reality.
Cheating is a choice, made by the person cheating. We are not responsible for the actions of others, they are. OP’s husband did not force her to cheat, it was her choice to be dishonest to him and take away his rights to make an informed choice himself, no doubt through lies and deception, which in itself is abusive behaviour.
OP’s husband is not an innocent victim of his marriage to OP, however, he has responsibilities to OP there, but so did she to him. It was just as much her responsibility to tell him she wanted to leave or to work in the marriage as it was his to see the problem and work to fix it. She chose otherwise. He’s one of the victims of her cheating. He bears no blame or responsibility for any of it. OP chose her affair and the lies that went with it every day for 6 months, instead of honest communication about what was going on. Her children were deceived in that they presumed their secure family life was going on as normal but it wasn’t. Everyone got duped. Only the cheat bears full responsibility for cheating.
However, re the children, 50-50 is the usual staring point, and the children’s well-being comes first.
I have a couple of friends who are in your situation and in one case it works well, because both parties have moved on with other people and both are ok with their ex’s partners helping to care for the children. Other couple is nothing short of a nightmare, caused by jealousy of the ex wife towards ex husband’s new partner allegedly “ playing mum”. Not everybody feels like being understanding and amenable after an affair, or when ex’s find a new partner, and how that pans out makes a huge difference to the outcomes.
The one thing the mums involved did have in common, was that they found it hard at first, but eventually started to enjoy the weekends they had without the children by building a life with their new partners and friends.
It’s probably a case of time and settling into a new routine, if everyone manages to put their grievances aside and work towards a secure outcome for the children. Life as the whole family knows it, is changed forever and adjustments take time, patience and a lot of understanding of everyone’s point of view. I hope it works out for everyone involved.

I had an affair and I chose to divorce my husband, he wanted me to stay. We have 50/50 with our children, though they are older. It works okay for us. It hasn't been an easy road but we're in a good place. DM me if you want to chat.

The affair is neither here nor there really. Regardless of the reason you're choosing to divorce your husband . it means that both of ye will see them less. It's a horrible consequence of broken relationships but where relationships have broken down, it's often unavoidable.

Having said all that, I will never understand people who choose to have affairs rather than leave their partners, In particular those with young children. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I could never do that to my children.

You can't alter the fact that you are divorcing so the reality is , hard though it is to accept, that you are going to have to see less of your children. It's a consequence of your actions and whilst it upsets you, ultimately it was your decision.
Maybe get some therapy to help you to acknowledge this situation.

God only knows how you had the time or energy for an affair with a 2 & 3 year old!

Sorry; but you reap what you sow.

Kids need both Parents.