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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

XH contribution to DD activities

24 replies

iloveitalia · 06/01/2023 15:14

XH earns over £70,000 ( plus bonuses, car, phone, health ins). I earn £23,000. He pays me maintenance ( amount calculated using the online calculator) as I'm the main carer. DD has a very busy, active life- sports and music lessons, etc. I'm struggling to pay for all of these, but XH is refusing to contribute.
To me maintenance should cover day to day life( ie. food, shelter and clothing) and XH should offer to contribute towards DD's activities in view of the fact that his income ( relative to mine) is so high.
Does anyone else find themself in the same situation? Does your XH contribute to your children's hobbies? TIA.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 06/01/2023 17:11

Well in an ideal world yes

but …..

does he get a say in what activities she does and is signed up for.

Flumo · 06/01/2023 18:20

My ex doesn't pay maintenance or anything for hobbies 😮‍💨

NoSquirrels · 06/01/2023 18:23

If he doesn’t value providing your DC with these extracurricular activities, then he won’t see why he should pay for them. I’m not sure that’s fixable.

Cileymyrus · 06/01/2023 18:26

millymollymoomoo · 06/01/2023 17:11

Well in an ideal world yes

but …..

does he get a say in what activities she does and is signed up for.

This.

he could argue he doesn’t want her to do them so why should he pay?

we had this but the opposite. Sdc and dh wanted to do various hobbies. Ex would say she wouldn’t pay, so dh would sign them up, pay, arrange to take them etc.

then ex would guilt them in to not going saying they needed to stay in and do homework.

it’s a parenting choice. Ideally both parents should be on board with dc’s wishes and split the costs. But if one thinks piano (for example) isn’t needed then they’re within their rights to expect the parent that encourages it to pay.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 06/01/2023 18:34

I pay for all dc activities and I cut my working day short in order to facilitate taking them. Ex dh is on 60k I earn 25k but get child benefit and Uc which helps. He will take them on fancy holidays which are more overall so I don’t feel too hard done by.

OneForTheRoadThen · 06/01/2023 18:39

I pay for any activities on my days and ex pays for any on his days.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 08:21

millymollymoomoo · 06/01/2023 17:11

Well in an ideal world yes

but …..

does he get a say in what activities she does and is signed up for.

Yes, XH agrees with her participation in the hobbies and is proud of her ability in music and sport.

I wouldn't ask her to do anything that he isn't on board with, as I feel we that although we may not be married, we still have to parent together for DD's sake.

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 07/01/2023 08:26

My ex paid for half of all activities, but I got a much lower monthly amount that you will be receiving if he’s on £70k doing the CSA amount.

Your ex pays enough already and is free to decide he doesn’t want to pay even more for children’s activities than he already does, just the same as any other partner can.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 08:28

bloodyeverlastinghell · 06/01/2023 18:34

I pay for all dc activities and I cut my working day short in order to facilitate taking them. Ex dh is on 60k I earn 25k but get child benefit and Uc which helps. He will take them on fancy holidays which are more overall so I don’t feel too hard done by.

Yes, that makes sense to me.

Re holidays, it is me who takes DD away- we travel abroad at least twice a year and I cover all costs for this as it's my choice and I feel it's very important.
Last year XH joined us for a week during the summer and paid for DD's flights- and some meals during that week, but no accommodation. ( He didn't stay with us). I paid for all other transport, which was £400 and everything else.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 07/01/2023 08:37

If these activities are optional and you have just decided she needs,to do them no I do not think he has to pay

Original poster
iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 08:39

WandaWonder · 07/01/2023 08:37

If these activities are optional and you have just decided she needs,to do them no I do not think he has to pay

I agree with you- but we have both decided that she should do the activities in DD's case.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 07/01/2023 10:48

Ultimately it will come down to levels of earnings and what he already gives and whether that ‘covers’ it

legally he’s not obliged to, you can appeal to his better nature but if he disagrees then you only really have 2 options

pay yourself
stop some activities

eg if he gives 100 a month that’s different to 1500 a month

Original poster
iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 12:37

Thank you for all your posts, everyone.

OP posts:
Cileymyrus · 07/01/2023 13:03

iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 08:21

Yes, XH agrees with her participation in the hobbies and is proud of her ability in music and sport.

I wouldn't ask her to do anything that he isn't on board with, as I feel we that although we may not be married, we still have to parent together for DD's sake.

Show quote history

So if you tell him you can’t afford both any more and she needs to decide whether to stop music or sport, would he be ok with that?

Someone15055 · 07/01/2023 13:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 13:06

You need to talk to her tell her you can't afford all of it and pick her favourite if he doesn't like it he can pay for it

Original poster
iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 13:37

There may be some misunderstanding here, and sorry if this is the case. I'm not at all asking XH to pay for the activities, just asking for a contribution towards them. It would really help.
XH's over £70,000 is just for him-no other children and he has no car/ petrol/ phone costs and we live in a cheap part of the UK.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 07/01/2023 13:59

Re holidays, it is me who takes DD away- we travel abroad at least twice a year and I cover all costs for this as it's my choice and I feel it's very important
You can afford this on £23k a year but not the actives with the large maintenance amount you receive for her? Maybe he doesn't agree with how you budget your money?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 07/01/2023 14:12

Do one less holiday to cover it? Or tell him you can’t afford all over them
so she’ll have to drop X activity after Easter, if he objects tell him he’s welcome to pay for it & get him to make the payment to them directly.

if he’s not bothered then it’s your choice whether to continue & therefore pay

Original poster
iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 14:48

Appreciate your input- thank you. However, all I am actually asking for here is just a description of how you do/ do not divide up the cost of your children's activities, if you and your partner aren't together.

OP posts:
Cileymyrus · 07/01/2023 15:08

iloveitalia · 07/01/2023 14:48

Appreciate your input- thank you. However, all I am actually asking for here is just a description of how you do/ do not divide up the cost of your children's activities, if you and your partner aren't together.

whoever wants the child to do the activity pays.

if both agree the child should do x and y activity, split the cost.

however you can’t force him as he’s not legally obliged. If he’s paying CMS rates 700/month is a fair chunk and should cover living costs for one child (hell that’s nearly what I pay for our family of 4) so maybe he feels it should be covered?

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2023 17:31

Not in your situation as I don’t get any maintenance but I also have to pay for everything for my 3 kids. For those who say he should only contribute to those he ‘wants’ her to do...it’s very easy for one parent to say they simply can’t or won’t agree to pay for an activity. If the child loves it or it’s for important life skills such as swimming, they know the parent with less money tends to just pay it and go without elsewhere. It’s a form of abuse in my opinion. But I suppose it depends on if there’s plenty of maintenance money, then fair enough. He might also not realise how expensive it is to raise a child if he hasn’t lived with her recently - perhaps tot up your costs and try to have a discussion based on this?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 08/01/2023 16:01

Ok, to reply rather than give advice @iloveitalia

i get £40pw maintenance, below CMS but as he’s self employed I take it to keep the peace, something is better than nothing etc

shes with him roughly 1 weekend in 3 and a bit more in the school holidays

she has one main hobby and I pay for it. Any activities etc in his time he pays for. He’s also responsible for getting her there etc on his days.

basically anything she needs or does with me is paid by me. I’ve occasionally asked for contribution if she needs an expensive piece of equipment for it or school uniforms etc. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 08/01/2023 16:02

Thank you everyone. This has helped.

OP posts:
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