At the end of my tether with ExDH

[MiddleAgedAndExhausted]

Three years ago ExDH met his now fiancee. He now barely sees the DDs who are now 14 and 17. In the last year, he's only seen them 5 times - and never on his own.

His fiancee is 'strict' with the DDs which they hate. They have asked their dad to step in and he won't. They would prefer she didn't tell them off, shout at them or say unkind things. On Christmas Day, she called DD1 annoying, she refused to let them take part in a game they were playing and called DD2 a brat. But things came to a head a few nights ago when she told DD1 to fuck off. The kids are refusing to see her at all now or attend the wedding. The fiancee then called me and asked me to sit down with her to discuss where things go from here. I have refused this. Instead, I asked ExDH to call me when he was alone. I said that marrying him doesn't give his fiancee a say in parenting. I explained that DD1 and 2 need time with him alone to rebuild things. I said they don't feel like a priority to him, and DD2 says she no longer feels loved by him. DD1 would prefer to cut contact completely but says she will try seeing him alone. I asked him to take them out and spend some quality time with them to try to rebuild things. He said he would have to "check" with his fiancee and agreed to nothing. I haven't heard back from him yet. He is feeling very sorry for himself. he feels bad for his fiancee too and but seems to extend no empathy towards his own children.
For context, I left him because he was an angry, selfish, inconsiderate bully. I fully expect him to do exactly as he pleases....but this new side to him where he bows down completely to his partner is astounding to me and I have no idea what to do. Any advice is welcome.

Sorry come again

they have seen him 5x in last year, one of which was… Christmas Day??!

I was your dd(s) in this situation with my own Dad. You’ve done the right thing. Now it’s up to him. Don’t push your dds to have contact. It’s clear where his priorities lie. If they don’t want to go to the wedding don’t make them. My step mum made my life absolute hell and my Dad always put her first. Contact tailed off as I got older and now aged 42 I speak to my Dad about 4 times a year on the phone if that. Can’t stand the spineless man.

As for the crux of your question, I would ask her DDs if they would like to continue to go around there.

If not, I would do nothing to assist with this whatsoever.

Given 5x in a year… I don’t think you’ll get much of a battle from ex.

as for the wedding, if my girls didn’t want to attend, not a cat’s chance in hell would I be enabling.

and anyone who says fuck off to my children, is not someone I would ever engage with.

baffled why the heck they were spending Christmas Day with them and not you

@Goodgrief82 Yes. He does work away a lot, which is his excuse for this, but he did see them regularly until he met his fiancee

@Goodgrief82 They were with him 12-5 so had the morning and evening with me. They didn't really want to go but are close to his extended family.

what did his extended family say about the step mothers behaviour?

@unclebuck The 'fuck off' comment was the only one ever made in front of people. Two friends were there and stepped in to tell the fiancee that she was completely in the wrong and should apologise.

Do nothing. Your DDs are of an age where they can make their own decisions and your eldest is virtually an adult. Do not get involved and don’t force the DDs to do anything. This is for your ex-DH to resolve, not you. If he cannot meet with them alone and put the effort in then tough shit.

FWIW, his fiancée sounds a right piece of work.

I'm going to come at this from a different angle, with the caveat that the fiancée may well just be a horrible person.

However, she may not be. She may be frustrated with what she sees as difficult teenagers, and that her role in her own home is marginalised by being expected to have no say over what happens and how they behave.

I am the resident parent in your situation. I'm married to a woman but I don't think that changes the principles. DW and I started living together when my DC were 11 and 13, so about the same as your DH and fiancée. This is a tricky age to come into the lives of kids. You don't get the nice "kiddy" bit, it's the start of the teenage years. There's nothing "wrong" with my DC, they're normal teenagers. Like normal teenagers, often they are rude, particularly when being told things they don't like (like don't take your phone to bed, don't be rude when I ask you to do something). They did not take well to this new person adopting a parental role and telling them what to do.

Over the years this has caused some stress on many occasions - DW feeling that she has no power or control in her own home, me feeling stuck between wanting my DC to be happy and wanting DW to be happy.

I think that you also should acknowledge that even nice teenagers (which I'm sure yours are) will misrepresent accounts of what has happened to suit their own narrative. So what you hear isn't necessarily the unvarnished reality .

Ultimately this is between your ex and his fiancée to resolve, and the fiancée is going to have to do something hard to do, in trying to start fresh with your girls and acknowledge that while she isn't their parent, she is in a quasi-parental role and finds it difficult. Perhaps she has no kids of her own and no parenting experience before this.

Taking on someone else's teenagers is hard. Blended families are hard. It can work but everyone has to work at it, it can't be a war of attrition between the kids and the step-parent.

Obviously at 14 and 17, if they don't want to see their dad, they can't be forced to. That would be a real shame for all concerned and I'd encourage you to try to adopt a neutral position and not automatically accept everything your DDs say as gospel. Perhaps you can talk calmly to your DH and the fiancée about how you manage the situation together?

@1Wanda1 I would agree with you IF the fiancee had spent any real time with my children at all. But she has seen them on five occasions this year - and never even once overnight. I fully agree that teenagers and kids can be difficult, behave badly and challenge even patient people. But if your patience is so tested on five occasions that you have to tell a teenager to fuck off then that's very concerning.

So the 5th time of the entire year that they had seen him… was on Christmas Day?

well presumably last time he regularly saw them was years ago?

OP

your girls of an age to control the extent to which they see their father

you don’t need to be the least bit involved aside from advocating for them if they ask you to

Completely agree the "fuck off" is not ok. How old is the fiancée?

At 14 and 17, take a step back. If dad wants to see them, he should contact them to arrange. You don't need to be involved in making arrangements.

Your concern is obviously for your kids and their well being. It is hard I think on children and new partners to adjust to each other. However even if your children are rude at times, this fiancé is the adult and should behave as such. Verbally abusing children is not acceptable. I would make that clear to your kids that they do not need to put up with being sworn at and disrespected. I would encourage them to speak 1 to 1 with their father and would speak 1 to 1 with your kids about boundaries and what they want going forward. It is down to your ex to ensure his fiancé behaves appropriately ultimately and up to your kids if they want to continue contact. If she can’t be nice maybe they can see their dad without her there.

For the fiancé to tell them off may be normalish if they were spending a lot of time together but should never include verbal abuse. Personally I’ve had a rant at my boyfriend’s teenage girls due to selfish or rude behaviour when they have truly wound me up on a couple of occasions so do understand why she might tell them off depending on their behaviour but swearing or being verbally abusive is not on or acceptable.

Honestly you're flogging a dead horse here op. She sounds completely unsuitable and he sounds like he is totally and utterly whipped. Let this be on him.

I would simply say whatever the girls want to do you support them..

I bet hr has seen fiancee far more than 5 times a year.

Do you know what let to the comment - I'm doubting it was completely unsolicited. I'm not defending the fiancée at all and think your ex has his priorities twisted however I'm guessing it's not one sided and they dislike her so are horrible to her??