Implications of having a new partner

[piscespickle]

I am partway through a divorce and trying to finalise the financial settlement. This is the tricky part (isn't it always!) as my STBXH won't disclose his finances. He is a liar and abusive and it took me many years to build the courage to leave.

However, in the meantime my new relationship is getting more and more serious and I fully intend to start a new life and build a home with him.

I feel that if I made this known potentially we could move forward more quickly and openly. But have read that I should perhaps keep it separate and quiet until my own settlement has been done,

Does anyone have any experience or advice?

Slow down, get ex sorted first. It will be worth the wait.

This

So you are trying to jump out of one relationship to jump straight into another one?

Thanks, but no. I am more than two years in my new relationship - my divorce is taking forever. I was more hoping for some advice on the financial/legal implications of my divorce than relationship advice. I'm in my 50s so feel comfortable with what I am doing.

Keep at it via your lawyer and get the financial info you need. I just left it in my lawyers capable hands and got on with life! My ex vanished with no forwarding address, then refused to cooperate re giving details, etc. I decided not to stress or get involved. It took a while but got it sorted eventually.

Thank you. We are going to court so I will get there but it just drags on and on and on.

I totally know how you feel! I was in a similar position to you, had a new partner and things were serious but my ex would not agree to the finances around the divorce so we were stuck waiting months for court dates. I was hopeful we would agree at the FDR which takes both parties to agree so I kept things quiet until then, I felt he would be less likely to agree to anything if he found i was seeing someone else as he was very controlling and knew he wouldn't take the news well. He didn't end up agreeing anyway so I just stopped hiding it a couple of months after that, he found out - tried bullying and banning my new boyfriend from the house because he part owns it (he couldn't). In the end up we went to a final hearing anyway and it was out of both of our hands. Legally it doesn't matter if you have a new boyfriend but I would think avoiding joining any finances would be a good idea as he could claim your need is lower than his if you had a house with your new partner or something.

Yes in an ideal world we would be completely divorced before a new relationship starts but I didn't want an idiotic man who wouldn't let me move on with my life still being in control of me and stopping me being happy any longer!

Implications of telling your ex that you are in a serious relationship are

1. he realises that you are desperate to settle and slows things even more so you take less than you deserve
2. he realises that this could impact on your needs and starts a whole new set of inquiries with your lawyer. He slows things down even more.
3. He couldn’t care less and just continues as is.
4. he realises he is being inconsiderate and difficult and immediately responds in an emotionally mature way to any information request or offer.

I’m going to hazard a guess that he isn’t the person described in point 4. He is abusive and he will use the divorce process to punish and abuse. You are handing him another tool to do it with.

thank you - he does know and isn't happy so this is exactly my reasoning.

Thank you - you're exactly right, I kind of meant legal implications but you've just cemented my reasons for keeping it low-key,

Yes, this (in spades).

I'm not looking to "get" any less or more than is fair, but yet maybe a court would see a new partner as able to support me, so food for thought,

He’s a liar and not disclosing?

he's an habitual liar, but also lying about what he does have. Refuses to disclose anything in an attempt to hide the truth.

And yet you’re not disclosing your situation and lying about it?!

I have fully disclosed my situation, but unsure whether to make it known that it's more serious as time goes on. I'm not about to get married or move in with someone in the next 12 months, but likely to eventually.

I wasn't asking for judgement on whether or not I should be in a relationship, just some helpful and constructive advice.

I have not hidden that i am in a relationship. It's been over two years so it's very much out in the open. I am not living with this person and have no imminent plan to. What I am asking advice on, rather than judgement please, is whether it would speed up my protracted process if rather than just continuing my low-key relationship I said I intend to marry this person in xyz years. I am hiding nothing. I am aware that it may affect my settlement and what a court decides will ultimately be fair. I am not questioning that. I am asking if anyone actually has any knowledge or experience of such a situation.

There’s no judgement about you being in a new relationship I just find it odd, contradictory and hypocritical for you to criticise your ex for the very same thing you’re doing?

And yes I have experience of a situation where a grabby ex wife with a new boyfriend wants to get all she can from both sides of the pie.

You’re contradicting yourself all over again. I’m not sure why you can’t see that you’re accusing your ex of doing exactly what you’re doing whilst trying to get as much from him as possible. Grabby ex if ever I saw one. Wake up dear!

OK then, thanks.

YW