Is it time to divorce?

[MonaRosa]

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two children together. We have had serious issues for years. In my view, most of these issues are caused by him.

He is alcoholic, depressed, emotionally abusive towards both me and the children. He gets very shouty, swears at us when he is angry, even over small stuff, and perhaps couple of times a year, destroys stuff in the house. I have put up with it for so long as part of me thought it is his mental health causing this all and I wanted to help him. But it is simply not working. He is still drinking and still being very difficult to manage. It makes our day to day life a nightmare, and even makes it hard for me to concentrate on my job, which I will need for financial security in the future.

I just don’t want to put my children through this anymore. While one part of me feels for him, that he is going to loose his family and home which we have worked hard for, a bigger part of me can’t forgive him for what he has put us through all these years. Most importantly, I want to protect my children from any further harm.

But, I seem unable to take that final step and tell him that I want to separate.

I am in emotional agony. How do I take that final step? Why can’t I be brave enough to do it??? Please help me

Without any doubt in my mind- please divorce him! This is an outright abusive marriage and your children will hugely suffer.

You can do it. You know yourself it's the right thing to do and it won't be easy but you can do it.

Get some support and advice from those who've gone through it, family, friends, professionals. Whoever you need. But leave.

@MonaRosa i'm not sure how old your kids are, but i have stayed in a very similar marriage for 22yrs and i always told myself that the security of the family unit was enough to stay for and while it wasn't affecting the children i wasn't brave enough to do anything about it.

Now they are teenagers and my husband has started treating them the way he treats me, they resent him enormously and their relationship with him is awful and they all clash often.

I wish i had done something sooner.
I've tried to ask my husband to get help, which he did at one stage, but its slipped back into the old ways.

I have been on and off here and other forums for years. Please think carefully about your own and your children futures, that is what matters

I haven’t decided that he will loose his home and family. We talked about separation before, and he said he will leave the house and will not come to see the children ever again. That’s the reason I said he will loose his house and family - not my decision but more what he said.

pAnd also in a sense a threat to me not to leave him, because he is saying if we divorce he would want no contact with the children! Which is so upsetting on its own, and may be said to keep me in the marriage…a threat perhaps?

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am scared of what comes next. Will he insist that we sell the house? What kind of place can I afford for me and the kids? He is threatening that he would want no contact with me or the kids. Does that also mean he wouldn’t financially support his own children? Can I afford to pay everything we will need on my own??? So many questions and concerns 😞

@MonaRosa do you work? Does he, and is he salaried or self employed? In terms of what support you might be entitled to, there is a website called Entitled To that you can look at for an idea of what help you might get. If you're in the UK and you have the DC most of the time (which you will if he refuses contact) then he will have to pay child maintenance - but if he isa self employed he will probably do his utmost to dodge this.

In terms of him having no contact with you and the DC - this isn't the worst of all worlds. Growing up with an alcoholic isn't good for children and yes, you absolutely should divorce him.

Come over to our support thread on the Alcohol board, you will find support there too.

@MonaRosa sounds like he said those things to manipulate you further. Which is just another reason to leave.

I am reading everything i can to make sure i understand the finances and my rights etc before doing anything else.

I haven't told my husband of my thoughts just yet. I want to be in a strong position mentally.

This time yesterday i felt hopeless and like i wouldn't be financially ok, but actually after reading pages and pages of the advicenow.org.uk site i know i could be ok

Take some time to investigate as much as you can and acquire everything you need before doing anything official. There are many ways to go about it without it costing a fortune too.

He is threatening that he would want no contact with me or the kids.

I’m sure he would abandon his children if he could, but that would be good for them. Living with an aggressive alcoholic is hellish, and causes lifelong damage if DC grow up with it.

If he never sees the kids again that’s on him and your children will 100% see that as his choice not a result of you divorcing him.

As another PP has said it’s only a matter of time before he transfers this anger to the kids. They will hot them you for staying with him, believe me.

• they will not thank you for staying with him