Divorce financial advice needed

[hirael]

Hi

Would appreciate any advice if possible please regarding a divorce from my wife

We were married for just under 17 years. Challenging relationship, I had financial problems with my business meaning we had to do an IVA with help from her parents. She was frequently unhappy and we rarely got on

I left in 2017 and have since met a new partner and had a new child. I have delayed starting a divorce until we were 5 years separated to ensure it couldn't be refused. (obviously, new laws make that a non-issue anyway)

We have one son, 15 who lives 50/50 with both of us - the arrangement works fine.

Her parents very kindly bought a house for us in 2009 and we were both named legal owners with title absolute. She still lives there. They didn't charge us any rent while we got back on our feet financially,

I rent a property from my family since leaving which has never been in my name

I am self-employed as a sole trader, earning about 35k a year, business has no tangible assets and is very much dependent on me so would be hard to sell

She earns about 35k in her work

I have made it clear that I want absolutely nothing from her or the separation. I am happy to sign over my share of the house to her. She argues that because her parents bought it, it's not mine to give away, However, we are both named as legal owners on the deeds.

An initial free legal advice that I took said I should be persuing half her pension as it absolutely dwarfs mine. Again, I'm not interested at all - all I want is the divorce and to move on with my life and to complete the process with minimal animosity for the benefit of our child

She, however, wants to be 'compensated'; for the stress I allegedly caused her in the marriage by being awarded a payment each month from my business as well as the things I have said above.

Key question is really then, surely if I was signing over my share of the house and waiving any rights to her pension or any other financial inheritance/benefits she has, then she wouldn't be awarded anything else on top of that if it went to court?

Many thanks for any advice

How far along are you in the process? I'd DIY at this stage, apply for mediation (see if the government is still giving free places if you say you want to include child arrangements in the mediation) and complete your part of the financial disclosure form as part of that.
If she doesn't attend mediation, that's fine, at least you showed willing.

Not a lawyer, just been through the process. From threads on here, if it does then make it to court you would maybe get 50:50 including a share of her pension. Just take it.

I'd assume at some point before then she will realise your initial deal was a better offer, but who knows. People are strange.

Totally disengage apart from that. It's a process. You just write down facts. Get everything valued, write it down, go to court if needs be.

She, however, wants to be 'compensated'; for the stress I allegedly caused her in the marriage by being awarded a payment each month from my business as well as the things I have said above.

There’s no moral restitution component to divorce so unless she is one of the very few who would qualify for spousal maintenance, she hasn’t a hope.

Go after her pension
she clearly would if it was the other way round
the in and out of why the marriage failed is irrelevant pensions are joint assets in a 17 year marriage

She isn't entitled to any payment for stress within the marriage. I would explain to her again that legally you are entitled to half the house and a share of her pension. If she keeps on with her demands, tell her you will go for what you are legally entitled to, however, if she accepts your very generous offer, you will waive your share of the marital assets to ensure a clean break.

She should be snapping your hand off!

Yes, you are offering her such a good deal that effectively she IS getting compensated (for want of a better term) for what she believes she 'endured' through the marriage.

Some people are just totally unreasonable and no matter what you offer or agree too they still demand more. My ex was similar to your wife. He demanded 80 percent of our joint assets. I was looking after 2 sons and DD at uni. Judge laughed him out of court. Awarded me 65 percent of house where I had only asked for 50:50. Awarded me half of business which he had to buy off me or it got sold. He shouted at judge in court and almost ended up with contempt of court. Judge awarded me some of his pension when I had not originally asked for any. He should have just accepted 50:50 on house and business but instead he wanted to drag me to court convinced I should only get 20 percent of our business.

I would keep my part of the house and move on.

Perhaps if you caused her stress in your marriage you should do the right thing now & give her what she is asking for. It’s going to be on your conscience if you don’t do the right thing-only you know that, not is here on mn.

He’s already doing that. And I’m sure the stress worked both ways.

Sheesh.

Personally i’d change your approach and go after 50:50 of everything, for the ‘stress’ caused by her…. so you can fall back and settle for her getting the house and keeping her pension intact, or so that you can cover the legal fees she is going to cause you.

This is why more and more guys are declining marriage. Crazy entitlement attitudes when things go wrong.

Thank you very much everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it

It would be fair to say that both partners caused a lot of stress on an equal basis but that's not something to go into now

Ultimately, I want to give the house back , her parents bought it and let us live there rent free at a difficult time .

I'm just hoping at some point , she gets some good advice that stops fortunes being wasted on pointless solicitor fees.

I lost my dad last year so I didn't feel up to dealing with this last year and I just want to move on now and get this sorted out so I can really look forward to life again with my partner and kids

We know absolutely nothing about the op’s marriage. Nothing. Maybe the stress didn’t work both ways.
Only the op & his wife know. I’m just saying do the right thing-& only they know that.

You don't need a solicitor for most of this, just diy and invite her to mediation then self represent in court.
you're in the stronger position

You are entitled to your share of the house you legally own
youre also entitled gm a share of her pension

shes entitled to a her share of the house and your pension and business

there’s no compensation for stress

simply reiterate that if she continues down this path you will take your fair share and based on the assets available, the earnings of you both, the age of your child and child arrangements- that will be 50% of all joint assets inc the house and pension

This is not a thing! You don’t give someone extra money in a divorce to cover ‘stress!’ As it is, he’d likely be due half the house and the pension would need to be looked at, and he’s forsaken those as it is. Why on earth would he make voluntary stress payments. You’re allowed to leave unhappy marriages. There is no penance to be paid.

No I can tell uou she'd get nothing extra for "stress" and is being ridiculous. She needs to be told either accept this very generous settlement or you'll go for half of everything as is your right.and you want a consent order too so she can't come back for more at a later date...essential. she is being stupid. Id jump at a settlement like that.
Some people can be really stupid over divorce and make the whole thing into a ridiculous tit for tat process which costs a fortune.

I've been divorced three times so I should know.

This
if you were a woman you’d be advised that half the house and half the pension were yours and you should make sure you get them.

@Someone15055, he probably did but really it was his own fault. I tried for seven months to get him to simply agree 50:50 on house and business. We had a long marriage of 21 years. Mortgage almost repaid. I had worked full time as a teacher for most of marriage so contributed financially and looked after children in school holidays. I also owned 50 percent of shares in business. How or why ex thought I should only be given 20 percent of overall house and business is a mystery. He refused to get a solicitor. He tried to refuse my request for divorce. He did not go to court on 2 separate occasions when he was supposed to attend. He missed some of his pension pots off form E. I had to point this out to my solicitor/judge. He should have just accepted 50:50 but was so greedy. In the end I got a solicitor and told her get me whatever you can as he will never be reasonable. He should not have cheated on me. He lost most of our joint friends including his best friend from school. He lost contact with his eldest son who to this day refuses any contact with him and he is grown up now.

A pension is just like savings she accumulated from earnings -- of course you should be getting a share of that! How else do you plan to live in retirement at a reasonable level.

To get to keep the house which you will sign over to her and not go after her pension, is a really good deal. Ask a solicitor to write to her pointing this out, and stating if she continues to harass you for some non existent compensation, you will ask for mediation and ask for what is legally yours re the house...50/50

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it

It's given me a lot more confidence that I can get this completed and move forwards with my life now.