50/50 custody after 2 years of 1 night a week

[Houseplanthorror]

Dh moved out 2 years ago. We have 2 dc, ds1 age 14 and dd age 11. Dh has the dc 1 night a week as he lives in a house share. He also takes them out for a cup of tea 1 day a week after school. He is planning to rent a house this year and now wants 50/50. I think that this will be a positive move for ds but I don't think it will be for dd. She never wants to go to him even for the 1 night and the weekly cafe trip. She has said to me that she can choose and she doesn't want this potential change. Is this true at 11? Also, does the set up for the past two years have any impact on this? Thanks for any advice!

I think at 14 and 11 the children should be given some avenue to talk about how any changes to contact arrangements might impact them. If she feels strongly about not increasing the time she spends there then it is important for her to be listened to.

Courts are generally happy to keep to the status quo if everyone is happy with it but there may be incremental increases if your ex keeps pushing for it. 50/50 is not always in the best interest of the child. It works really well where both parents were equally parenting prior to separation but not as well if there was one clear "parent".

Has your daughter said why she's not so keen?

After two years of one night a week I think 50:50 should only be an option if the kids want it. Just because your ex is now able to house the kids more doesn’t mean it is necessarily the best for them and the children’s well-being should be paramount. In terms of “can an 11 year old decide”, not absolutely, but her wishes would be taken account if you ended up in court. Where I am (Aus) the process is so slow I have been known to suggest with kids that age to let the parent who wants more take it through the courts so by the time you get there (a) the precedent has been in place longer and (b) the older the child the more likely they are to be listened to but in an ideal world you would all be able to communicate and your daughter would be listened to by her dad so you so could all avoid playing the system. Remember the contact arrangement doesn’t have to be the same for both kids, though that can be a hard one to juggle so nobody feels favoured or abandoned.

Thanks for the messages. I think really it's just that ds and dh are very similar people whereas dd connects more with me. She is always happy if contact is cancelled owing to sickness, and while doesn't put up a fight to go on a normal week does whine about it and say she wants to stay home with me. Of course the dynamic could change but as it is life is very calm and stable and dd is contented enough with this level of contact.

If this went to court then a judge would listen to her preference and keep it the same if that's what she wants.

If the 14: year old is NT then it is up to the 14 year old when they want to see their father. If there is no Court order the court won't make one as the child is too old.

What does the 11 year old want to do?

If the 11 year old is clear about the contact they want that's what they will get.

Otherwise they will be encouraged to see their father slightly more but it won't be 50/50 unless that's what they want.

The 14 year old would absolutely be listened to.

Is Dads new house local ?

With Ds i would suggest increasing time and seeing how that goes, rather than 50/50. Assuming that is what Ds wants. How would he feel if it was just him?

Let both your DCs make their decisions to keep/vary contact as THEY want.

Tell your ex that it is up to dd what she wants. He can take you to court if he wishes but very unlikely the court will enforce a change at that age.