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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

‘Making’ children go with other parent

13 replies

mynamechangemyrules · 28/12/2022 09:02

4 years post divorce from a bully- emotional abuser to myself but more to the children which forced me to leave. Messy fall out.

ExH very erratic in his take up of access offered (initially in a foreign court settlement now in UK). Offered 50/50 and he took one day a week with each child (there are 3). He kept negotiating it down as he found them 'hard work'.

He hasn't seen them for 6 weeks and last time he saw them he was screaming at them in the street and not allowing them to attend their sport.

Today he wants to see them (he has this half of the holiday). Despite several emails etc I received confirmation of location for the handover and stay last night at 10pm. (It is always different).

Children are 11/9/5 and don't want to go. Youngest is persuadable as they will want to see grandparents. Other two have said if it is just the grandparents they will go but don't want to go if the father is there 'in case I have to stay with him'.

I continually stay positive and encourage them to go but it is draining. Do I have to force them to go? Trick them into it? How much choice do they get?

It's been years like this and he will follow up with a vitriolic email- but I always always encourage them to go and in fact a therapist has said I must stop defending him/ being positive about him as it is damaging for the children to believe that his behaviour is normal.

How would you get them there? Would you make them go?

OP posts:

Ohmygoshposh · 28/12/2022 09:05

Listen to your kids. They don’t want to go. And sounds like there’s a good reason why.

Whiskeypowers · 28/12/2022 15:54

They don’t want to go you certainly don’t force them based on what you have told us

Your priority is them not him
trll him they don’t want to go and you are not making them. Maybe a court needs to see his behaviour and the impact it’s having on the children who are what matter here

NeedSleepNow · 31/12/2022 10:42

I have a similar problem. Ex and I separated 18 months ago, I asked him to leave as he is a bully and emotionally abusive (mainly towards our eldest child) and I could see the awful effect it was having on our 3 children (ages 6, 10, 13).

At the moment he sees them once midweek after school back at the fmh and then has them every other weekend. The youngest has a great relationship with him and is happy to go, our middle child is usually happy to go for the day but hates overnights as her Dad doesn't believe she is scared of the dark and turns all lights out/shuts door whilst she goes to sleep (at home she has nightlights on & door ajar & feels secure). Our eldest son says he hates him, dad has ruined his life, doesn't ever want to see him. He frequently cries at home in the evenings about the situation, he is desperately unhappy and would prefer never to see his Dad again. I have told ex at times he doesn't want to go and I always get the blame, then angry verbally abusive texts/emails sent to me the next day.

If there is no court order in place you do not have to force the children to go. At mediation the mediator advised that I should be making them go (unless I had to drag them kicking and screaming) as a court would expect that but I am not willing to put my children through that. The eldest feels too scared to tell his Dad how he feels as he is intimidating and a bully. I had, like you, been encouraging my children to go and being positive about their Dad but I have stopped that now. Why should I defend an emotionally abusive man. I am looking into counselling for my eldest at the moment as he is so desperately unhappy about his Dad and it seems to consume his everyday life.

I think when there has been abuse you really need to listen to what your children want. If he takes you to court over it, the older two are more likely to have their views taken into account but I think it varies from judge to judge exactly at what age they would be listened to. I would just support your children, listen to them and not force them to go.

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 10:52

The sensible judge I saw when my son was refusing said he didn't expect me to force my child to go. My son was 8 at the time.

The cafcass officer was far less sensible and came out with loads of nonsense about how if they refusing to go to the dentist I would drag them there (err no I wouldn't) so I should drag them to dad.

But assuming you are out of the court system then I think you should listen to their feelings

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 10:55

Tbh sending the youngest alone isn't great. All or none imo.

He sounds awful.

NeedSleepNow · 31/12/2022 15:35

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 10:52

The sensible judge I saw when my son was refusing said he didn't expect me to force my child to go. My son was 8 at the time.

The cafcass officer was far less sensible and came out with loads of nonsense about how if they refusing to go to the dentist I would drag them there (err no I wouldn't) so I should drag them to dad.

But assuming you are out of the court system then I think you should listen to their feelings

The cafcass officer sounds awful @SweetSakura , being forced to see any abusive parent is nothing like going to the dentist.

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 18:14

NeedSleepNow · 31/12/2022 15:35

The cafcass officer sounds awful @SweetSakura , being forced to see any abusive parent is nothing like going to the dentist.

Show quote history

Well quite. And if a dentist had put my child's life in danger and that was why they were refusing to go then I would certainly be finding a new dentist! (And reporting the original one). The cafcass officer was a nasty bully, yet of course I bet noone dared complain

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 18:35

I threw a Cafcass woman out of my house. And I reported her. Never had dealings with her again. Her replacement was removed from court at the final hearing at the judge's say so . Query everything via your legal team op.

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 18:42

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 18:35

I wish I had had the guts to complain. At the time I was too worn down I think

Cafcass never visited my house though. All I got was brief phone call. But they did go round and have lovely cup of tea with my very abusive (but superficially very charming) ex.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 23:10

My dc were appointed a guardian via the court. Senior Cafcass officer..
Final hearing was 4 years on.. He admitted on the stand he had based his findings on information he got from exh... Judge had him thrown out.
And exh's case crumbled...

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 23:17

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 23:10

It's monstrous how little investigative skills or integrity cafcass officers have to have.

My son insisted on me being with him when he met cafcass officer. She spoke to him for less than 5 minutes, and asked leading questions like "you feel safe with daddy don't you". She recommended the court order contact. My son refused. Thankfully the judge respected his wishes. But cafcass had spent even a little longer getting to know him (or me) they would have got a clearer picture. (I mean, they could have just read the police and medical reports...)

BestPapaEver · 29/06/2023 00:21

Damn! Is this guy's name Dennis by any chance? This sounds SO much like my ex-son-in-law it's scary. And if he had two lives with two different women it wouldn't surprise me in the least. Guy is not just a tool, he's the whole damn toolbox.

Fullofdoubtsme · 29/06/2023 09:28

Sorry to hear that. I've been trying to separate my kids dad for 1,5 year for same reason, he's a narcissistic bully and particularly bad with ny eldest daughter (16, son is 13). This week his finally left for his flat (still pending final signature of divorce, been trying to do all diy to avoid costs and try keep things more civil) but even though his flat is 5min walk from house kids dont feel like going... He doesn't invite/insists either, likes to put himself in a "poor me, all alone" situation then blame me for turning kids against him when I am also always encouraging kids to call, visit etc.
Trying to agree with kids to commit to every other weekend at least and a couple of evenings a week even if just for tea (can walk home to sleep here) but it's painful having to negociate with him and push kids out... Also I'm starting a new relationship and would welcome some alone time to invest on that, but I know the moment he knows I'm seeing someone when kids are there, he'll make it harder on them and make schedule even harder.
My daughter also says hates dad, and my son clearly sees the difference in mood from staying at mine, but I really hope they manage to reengage with dad... I've insisted he seeked help/therapy as dealing with teens is difficult for any parent, let alone a narcissistic one, but he obviously doesn't think there's anything wrong with him... :(
So not sure what to suggest but keen to hear others experiences too. My gut tells me to just leave kids do as they please, but I also feel some sadness for him, as he can be good and is surely upset and lonely - but that's a result of his actions...

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