2 days on and off

[PeanutBellyJam]

Anyone have coparenting experience where you did a 2/3 day on/off... our kids are 3.5 and 2. I want to keep things as amicable as possible and will leave the family home as my DH owned it when we got together. I'm planning on renting locally and trialing coparenting as openly as possible. I was thinking we could do 2 or 3 days on and off to alternate weekends as well. I just couldn't do more than that away from our kids and I don't want to expect DH to do the same 💔

I thought I would position this as a trail for 6/12 months and take it from there. The rents where we live are high so I'm looking at a flat and then if it works it will be tricky for me to buy so close due to house prices but if this set up works we will have to revisit it... anyone successfully split like this? We don't have many assets but I'm desperate to keep things amicable. I'm worried about affording a home of my own for my children but want to coparent... any advice welcomed x

We went for the slightly more traditional every other weekend and one night in the week with their dad which worked fine though it left me with most of the responsibility in the week.

But I've known a few people done a 50-50 where one parent does Monday to wednesday, and the other Wednesday to Friday every week, then alternate the weekends, so ends up as 2,2,5,5 nights in each house over a fortnight. It's generally worked well with primary aged kids as each parent has fixed days of the week so can decide on kids clubs etc in those days, and also fixed days with no responsibilities to work long hours if they want. I might worry a bit though with a two year old about how well they'd cope being away from whichever parent they're most used to for 5 days at a time, so 2 days at a time with each night with better for the next year or two.

DH and his ex did weekdays with her and every weekend with him which I wouldn't really recommend (kids got no quality time with their mum, and DH never got a weekend free).

I want to keep things as amicable as possible and will leave the family home as my DH owned it when we got together

Do not agree anything. Regardless of him owning it, if you’re married, you are more than likely entitled to half of it.

As for 2 days alternating, we’re doing that. It works for us. I think you have to do what works for you. There are people in my life who have an opinion on it (too short of time, meaningful advice to go up to 3 nights) but for STBEH, DC and myself, we like the 2 nights. 3 nights away from DC (and then from us) feels too much.

As you say, you can trial it and see how it works.

Thank you both for sharing!

Hi @PeanutBellyJam my ex and I do 2,2,5,5 and it works well. It means you can plan weekends well in advance and holidays. We do have to swap occasionally but we co-parent well and are extremely amicable. The main logistical issues are PE kits - although we have two sets it doesn’t always work out well, plus I end up with less school uniform for one my end. So we usually have to do a clothes “catch up”. Same with laptops etc. But that’s ok, we only live a mile apart. My biggest frustration is that he tends to buy cheap socks/pants/tights for them and the good ones I get end up with him and the shit ones I get left with. Same with other clothes - when you have bought a decent dress/jacket and it ends up at the other house. A minor niggle I know. And no good vocalising it because eldest DC always says “well you shouldn’t have got divorced”. Not helpful!

We do 2, 2, 5, 5 as well and it works well. We wanted consistency for the kids so they are at the same house each day of the week, Wednesday is swap over day (he does morning drop off and I do evening pick up). We alternate weekends. Easier too in the sense of having the same days child-free every week and planning for your child free weekends etc.

@Emptyinsidetothecore

Not true if it's a short marriage (under 10 years). All factors are considered and if she hasn't been married long and he has paid all the bills it's a consideration.

@PeanutBellyJam

I would start flexibly, keep good communication channels open and see what works for you. I have friends who split when the kids were 3&6 who have had a very amicable coparenting experience since (adults now) and get along really well still (they just didn't work as a romantic couple) kids had access to both houses freely once older and they shared childcare when young

I think there's a huge advantage to staying amicable, particularly when children are so young. It should mean that you can be relatively flexible if something isn't working for your children or if you need to swap a day etc or even if one is really missing the other parent and wants to see them. My ex is not very hands on with the children and is sporadic with contact but we do get on ok (with effort on my part sometimes) and can take the children out together and he will help out when one of us is ill or take one of the children while I have an appointment or something with the other. This does enable lots of things which are otherwise really difficult as a single parent (like swimming together).

I would have concerns about how well a 2 year old would manage having their time split equally between two homes. My view might be coloured by being and having always been the primary caregiver as I know my toddler would be very unsettled at going to my ex's to stay for half of the time (not that my ex would want that) so perhaps it would be easier if you have both been equally involved until now. But even if a child has a good relationship with both parents, I think moving a toddler every couple of days and changing their routine so frequently could be quite hard on them and it's probably in the child's best interests at that age to have one main home. If you do go with the 2/2 arrangement I think you'd need to be willing to revisit it if your children were struggling and I'd imagine that this may come out in their behaviour rather than them necessarily being able to tell you that the arrangements are a problem. But on the other hand there are benefits, particularly in the long-term, to you both being equally involved in their care and in you not falling out over child arrangements so might be worth a go for that reason. I would think trying to keep their routine and rules somewhat consistent between the two houses might help.