Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

Festive Contact

17 replies

username445566 · 23/12/2022 16:42

DH has DS EOW, Xmas is my weekend as per EOW. Solicitor letter states this and contact has been arranged for Xmas day. Naturally next weekend (31st) would be DH and EOW as normal.

DH is taking DS on one of my weekends, which I have no issue with. This then means he would have DS 3 weekends in a row, again ok with me.

DH now saying he can't have DS next weekend. He assumed that by him having him on one of my weekends that this had meant we'd swapped. At no point was a swap asked of, so I made plans for 31st. I've advised DS he'll need to make childcare arrangements as I've made plans as at no point was a swap or otherwise arranged.

I'm now anxious that he won't take DS next weekend and I've made plans. He has advised me that he would pick DS up at 3pm today and drop him off this Sunday at night. I advised this would not be the case as it's my weekend and we have plans as per sols letter. I told DH he could have DS today however only if he dropped him off at an agreed time. I advised him if he didn't drop him off, I would get police involved (been involved with him previously) he's then said he won't see him today. Fine by me.

Hes telling me I'm being unfair by not swapping weekends, yet swaps etc was never mentioned when he said he would take DS last week for the 3 weekends.

Has anyone has issues similar and could provide advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

username445566 · 23/12/2022 18:29

Bump

OP posts:

Pleasecreateausername13 · 23/12/2022 20:05

OP, I can’t be of much use because I’ve not been in that situation however I am going through a separation but we are spending Xmas together for the sake of our little one.

It’s hard to follow your post but what struck me first( and please don’t think this is a dig as I don’t know your circumstances) is that maybe you arent being that come and go with your ex. I sort of see it from both points of view but understand that puts you out. The key to this is to be very open and transparent with each other. Could you maybe let it go this time but explain in future that any swaps must be agreed in advance?

Sorry if I’ve not been useful.

Skyeheather · 23/12/2022 20:19

So you have both made plans to go out NYE, you because it's not your weekend to have DS and ex DH thought you would have DS because you owe him a weekend?

Is there nobody else that could have DS on NYE, Grandparents/Auntie? It sounds like you'll need to arrange something if you think DH isn't going to show and you still want to go out.

JJ8765 · 23/12/2022 20:28

No advice. There's nothing you can do to make an ex have the dc on planned days. They can force you to give contact but dont have to stick to the arrangement. We do usually arrange swaps (also EOW agreement), but it is agreed at the time. But TBH I find that ridiculous as I have dc far more so like you would be happy for ex to have an extra weekend and also when we swap it means I have to do nearly 3 weeks childcare before I get a break which means my next weekend 'off' is a write-off as I'm too exhausted to do anything and often spend it in bed with a migraine. Its almost as though once they agree a small amount of contact they see that as whats normal and expected, rather than the piss-poor contribution to parenting that it is. I would have a back up plan for 31st. Its not unfair as he already only does 1/7th of parenting and this is his usual weekend.

Original poster

username445566 · 23/12/2022 20:28

Not at all, I appreciate both your posts so thank you. I do feel that maybe im being unreasonable to a degree, however it's me that accommodates time off for DS in every other manner ie school stuff, bank holidays, dr appointments etc so this makes me think otherwise. It's more the assumption that I'll pick up when it doesn't suit him. Thoughts?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/12/2022 20:32

I would stick to your guns, he needs to read things and plan properly.

I would try find alternative childcare as a back up in case he doesn't show up/lets you down.

Original poster

username445566 · 24/12/2022 08:49

Thanks everyone. He's told me he'll just keep DS this weekend (despite solicitor letting having agreement in place otherwise) so he doesn't need to get him next weekend. He's got contact today for a couple of hours and longer for tomorrow. I've it clear that if DS is not returned at the arranged times, I will take it further.

DH has form for this kind of thing in the past (along with others, hence why police have been involved) I'm now worrying he won't return DS at the agreed times.

Has anyone experienced this before? I'm at my wits end with worry.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/12/2022 09:11

If it isn't court arranged order then you could refuse to let him take DS due to his threat of not returning him as per the arrangement.

Sounds like you need a court order asap as he won't stick to agreements.

xfluffycookiex · 24/12/2022 09:34

Ultimately sounds like he has thought it out in his head n not communicated it with you. Assumption is the mother of all FU .

Stick to your guns but sounds like you could do with getting a contingency plan in place just in case he doesn’t pick up.

good luck x

xfluffycookiex · 24/12/2022 09:37

Just read your other post re not returning this weekend 😢 I hope you sort him out as that is not ok x

Soontobe60 · 24/12/2022 09:42

Do you have court ordered arrangements in place? If not, the police will not get involved purely because your child is with his father.
I would tell your ex that you’re more than happy to have your dc next weekend - I’d cancel any arrangements I’d made if it ensured that I had my child on Christmas Day!

Original poster

username445566 · 24/12/2022 21:23

Thanks everyone for your advice. I spoke with the police earlier and they'll take action if DS isn't returned. I've made DH aware of this

I've advised DS he can have DS on the dates agreed in addition to EOW. I've told him that based on his threat of not returning DS, he has crossed a line and this is where the accommodation stops with myself.

As a bit of background, DH has been offered DS 50/50 however doesn't want this. If I want to get DS from school any days (DH does pick up) I always ask and offer the time back to him as I'm aware it's time he normally has with DS. DH has requested further time with DS over the festive period which I have accommodated; I want DS to have a good relationship with DH and will never stop this unless there are risks involved.

I'll never understand why people threaten not to return their kids without a genuine reason. It honestly baffles me.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/12/2022 21:34

Usually these threats are about control and bullying nothing else, certainly they aren't about having a good relationship with their DC.

Original poster

username445566 · 30/12/2022 00:46

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate each and every one of them.

I reminded DH that he's got DS 3 weekends in a row now, and he's not stated he'll go to
CMS and let them know. Honest to god, it's laughable. This is after he asked for 2 extra days then said he couldn't take DS as he was unwell.

I've spoken with Womans Aid early today and they've advised me to get a consent order put in place. Solicitor is closed until the new year, so waiting on them coming back to me

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 31/12/2022 14:08

I hope that your son is not aware of all of this drama. It could be painful to think that your parents are only committed to having you when it is at a time mandated by a a Court order. Other parents expect and look forward to having their children all of the time.

Surely, either of you could have arranged suitable child care if necessary. If the 2 of you find unexpected change to be disruptive, imagine how it feels to be a child whose parents become annoyed to have to deal with your presence as an inconvenience to their social live

Original poster

username445566 · 31/12/2022 17:13

It's painful to DS knowing that on the rare time he spends with his dad that he'd rather avoid it. DS doesn't fit in with DH life, this is why he's creating a stink over it. I'm sticking to my guns as I'm entitled to have a life to. DS is the most important person, but that's not to say that I don't matter and that my feelings aren't valid either. It's already a battle to get DH to see son, I'm doing this for DS benefit as I want him to have a relationship with his dad

Court ordered contact would be best as it lets DS know exactly when he's got sass, rather than saying he's got him then letting him down. Everyone knows where they stand that way. Unfortunately this is not an amicable split or i wouldn't be exploring this route

Naturally court order is something I'd rather avoid, but I feel as though my hands are tied. Contact order has been recommended by Womans Aid

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/01/2023 09:19

username445566 · 31/12/2022 17:13

Naturally court order is something I'd rather avoid, but I feel as though my hands are tied. Contact order has been recommended by Womans Aid

Sadly a court order can't make they the NRP see them only the RP must have them available - so Dad can still decide not to turn up.

Can be a hook that he uses to leave you hanging.

Flip