How to have the conversation

[wishihadcake]

I’ve decided I want to divorce in the new year. But every time I imagine starting the conversation I can’t think how I will do it. If you did it, how did you?

There isn't any nice way of saying it. You just have to sit down and say it. I'm sorry H, I haven't been happy for some time and I don't think you are either. We need to split up. Id avoid the divorce word in the first conversation because its a bit of a sucker punch to hear.
It's rely important not to bring g it up during an argument.

Have you "got your ducks in a row" before you start that conversation? Practical things like finding a good family solicitor, you yourself are in a decent financial position, eg with your own private current and savings banking accounts he has no access to, you have copies of his financial position (Inc pensions), what benefits you might be entitled to if necessary, etc. Ensure you have copies of all important documents. Put yourself into as strong a position as possible before you have that conversation. Good luck. 🌹

First this.
Then what Bestcatmum said.

Also be aware that the beginning of Jan is the busiest time for divorce lawyers.

As for how I started the conversation. Big history of him not taking anything I say that he doesn't like seriously. Literally just ignoring what I've said.

So I said it in couples therapy when he couldn't walk off. The therapist forced him to respond to me (well not force! Let's say "facilitated" him to acknowledge is spoken and he'd heard my words).

I thought I'd nailed it.

5.5 years later and he's still not out of the house (and we're abroad so I can't move out - which he knows).

So if there's any possibility of this situation with you, try and find a solution first. I had no idea this sort of thing ever happened.

Thanks everyone. I have ducks in a row & a lawyer. These ideas are really helpful. Really sorry about your very difficult situation @DivorcingEU. I hope you are able to get out soon.
My other worry is whether to wait for a good moment. I’m aware there isn’t really a good moment for this! But he has a lot going on (family stuff on his side) and I wonder whether I should wait till things are easier for him. Although (can’t say more as outing) they may not get easier and I am impatient and have already been waiting a long time.

A friend of my mine left her husband some 10-15 years ago. She quietly went and rented a new place, the day she got the keys she sat him down and told him she was leaving. They had £40,000 in savings and she transferred herself £20,000 and told him that was all she wanted and he could keep the house.
Could something like that be an option minus the taking of the money.

I think that might be a bit of a nuclear option for me given there’s a child involved. (No judgment meant about your friend.)

I think any way you can get the message across is valid. There is never a right way or the right words. There is no wrong way or wrong words. Just whatever you can manage. There is no right time or wrong time. It's always going to be hard.

I was a coward and had to do it all in writing. But in retrospect, the fact that I was too terrified to express myself face to face says a lot about why the marriage had to end.

Good luck OP!

I asked H if we could talk, and blurted out "I don't want to do this anymore" and when he replied "do what?" I said "be married" then burst into tears. I hadn't wanted to cry but I'd been trying to get the courage for 4 months. I went on to say I wasn't happy, he agreed he wasn't either. From there, it was actually very quick - he suggested he move out and four weeks later he did. That was 7 months ago.

To add, we haven't actually talked about divorce yet. But I made it clear the separation wasn't temporary. Had the inflation rate not gone bonkers weeks after he moved out, I probably would have proceeded quicker but at the moment I can't take on a new mortgage at the rates on offer - hoping they drop slightly in the first half of 2023.

I don’t think my husband will agree. I’ve broached it before and got nowhere. (It was more a possibility then. Now feels more definite.)

"got nowhere" = him agreeing with you. He won't. Why would he?

I mean more that he didn’t agree he was as unhappy as I was.
And also I didn’t follow through; I just said I was thinking about it.

I’ve had the chat twice, but I’m still here. So for me I think you need to have the chat and then go on line to apply for divorce, get it done so there’s no going back. Keep pushing forward with what you want.

So, this is a bit outing but it’s an important piece to how I did it.

My divorce was quick and easy because he needed to protect assets. He thought we could be together after we were divorced. I let him think that but refused to sleep with him because it would void the divorce.

After all the paperwork was done and we were properly divorced, I told him I needed space. He declared his undying love etc etc and I smiled and nodded.

It was about 6 weeks later I had the chat. The line that worked for me was ‘I don’t want either of us to hate each other and I fear that if we stay in a relationship, in the future that might happen.’ I told him that it was important to me that if our relationship doesn’t work out, we coparent our children successfully and get along well enough that we can have a civil conversation. I didn’t want to hang in and it get to the point where we were both extremely unhappy with the other.

He accepted it but has continued to be an arse. It was easier for me to do the talk this way.

Thanks @Aintnosupermum. I may borrow that line about not wanting to end up hating each other!

Also to everyone on this thread who is still stuck, I hope you are not having too awful Chritsmases.

@wishihadcake Good luck!

It was a really good line to use with my ex because he is a complete alpha male. Rejection isn’t something he can accept. Divorce is rejection.

Remember, two things people are motivated by, money and ego. This phrase was great because it’s one of the few that massage his ego (basically you are saying it’s not you it’s me without saying it) and money, because a combative ex is a bottomless pit of legal expenses which is a complete waste of your resources (both yours and his).

I will admit to saying this once…. It’s over, be amicable because honestly no decent woman wants to be with a man who shafted their ex wife and quite frankly remember my legal bills are your legal bills with only the lawyers winning. He calmed right down after I said that.

I'm also finding this so hard. I know I need to say the words but don't know how or when is the right time. I don't want to ruin Christmas for the kids and really have no idea how he will react. So I'm waiting Xmas out.

There's no time we are ever home alone. Which no doubt is how we've got to this point.

The anxiety is making me ill and I'm disengaged. Not present.

I’m waiting the school holiday out too. To confuse things, he has noticed I’ve disengaged and is making efforts to be nice. But his efforts are so little and so late (& interspersed with rage & moods & the usual crap division of labour) that it’s like a weathervane back and forth & v hard for me to stay firm. Is it the same with you @GranolaHolmes?

Yeh today has been quite nice really. I don't know if it's best to broach the subject at a low point for either of us or when things relatively calm.

I think the general advice is not to do it in the middle of an argument.

We had the talk at lunchtime. I went to his office and we went for lunch. It was a Friday and he finished at 2pm. He also thought we were divorcing to protect assets. I didn’t correct him because I wanted out of the marriage.

I think it’s really important to give him space if he needs it. Do it on a Friday and you have the kids for the weekend, let him go off. You stay in the house. My lawyer was really clear that I shouldn’t let him have the house over the weekend. Let him go cool off elsewhere.

Yes, good idea about letting him cool off. Thank you.