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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Let the kids choose who to live with?

23 replies

xfluffycookiex · 20/12/2022 23:41

So I met my ex today to try and see where his head is at re how we move forward. Just over two weeks separated.

we are currently nesting and living with parents when it’s not our turn.

one of his questions was do we ask the kids who they want to live with. This may mean they are not altogether he followed up with(we have 3) I’m shocked. What exactly does he mean by this🥴

currently he has them every Mon n tues me wed, thur and Fri and we do alternate weekends. not quite 50/50 but thought it was pretty fair.

OP posts:

Beamur · 20/12/2022 23:44

Depends how old they are.
It's ok not to treat the kids as a unit, but the arrangements need to be practical and workable too.
Is nesting your plan long term? That doesn't work if kids choose different days or amounts of time.

Original poster

xfluffycookiex · 21/12/2022 00:03

Kids are 8,13,15 . I was going on set days for work purposes so each of us can plan child care. In my head the teens will go see who ever they want when they want as they are of that age so do they need to choose? Does them choosing mean you don’t see them? I just don’t understand why you’d ask them to choose when they are seeing both of us. I feel like he says I don’t want to be with you and now I’m going to take the kids from you. 💔

nesting temporary while they get used to separation.

our 13 year old is complex with a medical condition and has has safeguarding issues .

OP posts:

wobytide · 21/12/2022 00:13

The older ones you can gauge opinions but you are both the parents. Children aren't making those decisions

fallfallfall · 21/12/2022 00:13

i know of a couple, who each had their own homes within the same town. they chose an open door policy. any child any time any home. they had 4 kids, 3 girls, 1 boy, aged 5-15.

Nearlychristmas123 · 21/12/2022 00:14

Sounds ideal but totally impractical for most

wobytide · 21/12/2022 00:31

fallfallfall · 21/12/2022 00:13

i know of a couple, who each had their own homes within the same town. they chose an open door policy. any child any time any home. they had 4 kids, 3 girls, 1 boy, aged 5-15.

That sounds fairly irresponsible

fallfallfall · 21/12/2022 00:37

worked for them, small town. certainly nothing appeared irresponsible.
the kids seemed really well adjusted knowing they could be at moms or at dads or away from the little one or the brother or each other.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 00:37

I would worry that the children would grow up feeling guilty abut decisions they had made at this time, so I think the adults need to make the decisions for them

Hill1991 · 21/12/2022 00:44

I made the decision at 4 to live with my mum my brother made the decision to live with my dad so for the best part of 10 years we lived separately but they did alternate weekends so one weekend we would both be at mums and the next at dads worked for us but it's not probably for everyone

isthistheendtakeabreath · 21/12/2022 08:33

Assuming the siblings all generally get on currently I think this is extreme. Not something I'd ever agree to personally. You are trying to be too "equal". Doing this could potentially irretrievably break sibling family bonds - they should be kept together as far as possible

lifeinthehills · 21/12/2022 08:39

Should the kids be put in that position, of having to decide who to live with? It might be quite traumatic for them to have to let one parent down. Unless one of them let's their unsolicited opinion be known, I'd be inclined to have the parents decide.

ElfDragon · 21/12/2022 08:40

I don’t think it’s a good idea. And I don’t think it should be put into the children to decide. Even the older ones are very young to be making life changing decisions.

You are the parents, you need to come up with a workable plan that works as well as it can for everyone.

paranoidmumdroid1 · 21/12/2022 08:44

I lived with my dad aged 12, my younger siblings with my mum. Same small town, open door policy. I used to bike between the two - don't remember rigid set days but obviously there would have been. Practical because neither parent had enough space to give each child a bedroom so my room was at my dads, and also because of my secondary school commute with my dad's office commute. It actually worked well for us. I think it's up to the individual family what works for them. My family was never very conventional and I'm sure my parents were judged back in the day.....

TeenDivided · 21/12/2022 08:50

Surely the 8yo needs a fixed routine as they need childcare.
The 13yo also as there are medical / safeguarding issues.
So maybe the 15yo also until at least GCSEs are done?

Sometimeswinning · 21/12/2022 08:54

wobytide · 21/12/2022 00:31

That sounds fairly irresponsible

Show quote history

It sounds pretty much like it's all about the children and not the adults. Makes a nice change!

millymollymoomoo · 21/12/2022 09:46

I think it’s fine to ask opinions
not who do they want to live with but more around patterns etc, especially as you move away from nesting

imo teens wants more of a one home but lots of flexibility so they see friends , go out etc rather then eow type arrangements

remember also teens don’t really want to sodnd tins with either parent!! ( when both live together still)

will v much depend on your work patterns/flexibility/his near you live/ what activities they do /how amicable you are

It’s perfectly nornal for a teen to say I don’t want to go to dads/ mum later as I want to go out with mates eyc

Original poster

xfluffycookiex · 24/12/2022 09:26

In my head we have the arrangement and ultimately we have two teens that like you say they are busy with their mates. They may ad hoc say I’m stopping at dads as the footie is on etc.

but for an 8 year old that suffers with anxiety and that already worries when we where together that one of us may think she loves one more than the other, I don’t think this is appropriate. And as for the teens I feel it’s irrelevant because of the above.

I feel like he has tore my world apart. Made me a part time mum which I never wanted. And now wants to take my kids off me as he is the fun dad. Also destroys any financial help to move on because of my kids. Makes me feel so angry at him.

I don’t even know if this is a serious thing for him or just a random idiot thought that came into his head that he blurted out without a thought in the world of the implications of it. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

FatGirlSwim · 24/12/2022 09:31

wobytide · 21/12/2022 00:31

That sounds fairly irresponsible

Show quote history

How’s it irresponsible?! It’s pretty much what we do. We always know where they are!!

AmyandPhilipfan · 24/12/2022 10:12

If he brought it up despite seeing the kids regularly I'd be thinking he's actually wanting to stop that arrangement and wanting the kids to choose you so he doesn't have so much responsibility.

CrapBucket · 24/12/2022 10:18

We have a schedule for the teens but they don't have to stick to it if they have plans that make it more practical to be one side of town or the other. This means they in theory do 4 nights a fortnight at their dads but in reality it's probably about half of that. Considering my ex insisted he would have them 50% of the time to begin with, I imagine this will be similar for you OP.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 24/12/2022 10:28

FatGirlSwim · 24/12/2022 09:31

How’s it irresponsible?! It’s pretty much what we do. We always know where they are!!

Show quote history

We do this too, dog and children go from one house to the other it works well. Normally I do pick ups and activities, he does dinner when at home (works from home sometimes.) It is very child centred and flexible to accomodate friends and invitations.

I suppose the downside is it's hard for me to make plans as not got guaranteed time off.

VioletLemon · 24/12/2022 10:33

Not a good idea, far too much of an emotional load for DC. They could become resentful to you or their siblings. DC can attempt to do what they think you want even if it's not what they want. Put your foot down and say no, it's open door, flexi arrangement or set in stone.

MsChatterbox · 24/12/2022 10:57

No I wouldn't do it. I think in this time of uncertainty you need to make this big decision for the kids. It will provide them comfort.

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