Husband won’t accept that I want a divorce

[SunsetSnow]

I wonder if anyone can offer some advice on my situation. It is pretty complicated.

I live in Asia with my 12yo son. I had previously lived with my husband and daughter too, but they left in May due to the lockdown conditions we faced, and the subsequent impact on my daughter’s schooling (she was in y11 at the time - now doing A levels in the UK).

Since my husband left, I have felt extremely happy and free. He wasn’t a bad husband at all - he was very loyal, but I’ve come to realise we had fundamentally different views and expectations on life, and I no longer want to be married to him.

The problem is, he won’t accept this. If I’m friendly on the phone, he takes that as read that I am still interested. If I’m more assertive I am accused of being cold.

I’m going back to the UK for a month later this week, and will be staying in the family home. We are hosting Xmas for my extended family. He chose to still do this despite me wanting a divorce. We also haven’t told the children, or my family. We will talk further then, and I’ll also get some legal advice as I’d like to sort out finances.

He isn’t accepting my reasons for divorcing. Anything I say about how I feel or why I’d like to divorce he says isn’t a good reason.

Has anyone been in this situation? What would your advice be? I’d like to remain amicable. I currently pay my bills and almost all the bills on the UK property, and will happily do this until my daughter goes to uni.

Thanks in advance.

I don’t really have any advice for you, OP, but bumping this up til someone comes along.

Were you married in the UK? If you were you don't need him to accept you want a divorce or to accept the reason why, you can just divorce him. If he's not willing to listen at all I don't think you'll get an amicable divorce, no matter how long you wait so you may as well push forward. After Christmas I'd file for divorce, tell him you have, see if you can do mediation if you'll be in the UK for a bit or engage a solicitor.

Where were you married?

The only reason you need in the UK is that you no longer want to be married and it really doesn't matter if your husband agrees with you or not. It may very well be different where you are currently living.

Definitely get legal advice regarding residency regulations for applying for a divorce in the UK if you are usually resident somewhere else.

As for keeping things amicable - if your husband disagrees with your intension and you wish to proceed then you may find it difficult to retain friendly relationship and that's something you will have to factor in to how you proceed. All the time you are keeping your decision private, it's understandable your husband thinks you are not serious, so his approach to being reasonable about Christmas etc may well change if you starting tell your family and friends. You may need to spend longer than a month in the UK and have to return here to proceed the divorce here. Can you make contact with a solicitor before you come over so you have the correct paperwork with you and can formulate a plan of action ?

Yes, we were married in the UK. We’ve been married for 6 1/2 years. Good point about contacting a solicitor before I come back. I have a friend who has recently been divorced, and she has recommended someone.

Doesn't sound like you have an empathetic bone in your body

I'm empathetic to the apparently good partner whose life will be torn apart by someone not sticking to their vows.

I'm empathetic to the apparently good partner whose life will be torn apart by someone not sticking to their vows.

Given that our society allows divorce, then it has to follow that the marriage vow of 'til death do us part' is an anachronism. You can't have it both ways. Don't get me wrong I totally believe that people should be allowed to divorce, maybe we should all stop fooling ourselves that marriage is for life when nearly 50% of marriages break down.

The OP has come here is ask for advice on how to proceed which has been given, including several comments about her wish for things to remain amicable being unlikely. I think its fair to say that divorce isn't a pleasant experience.

Not sure what randomperson99 has said, but clearly I have my reasons, although I don’t particularly want to go into them on a public internet site. If things were working well, then I wouldn’t want to divorce.

And then there is the fact that I’ve already stated, which is that we live in different continents. Neither of us are willing to move back to the other one.

There is no reason for him to accept the fact that you want a divorce because you have not taken any of the steps required to get a divorce. You have not filed for @divorce. You have not told your children or immediate family. You are going back to stay in the same house with him and you are hosting a family event with him. What about this situation says to him that you are serious about a divorce ?

On the flip side, divorce in most places is a no fault filing and he need not ever accept or agree. The Courts will not force you to remain married to him no matter how he feels about it.

If you are serious about the divorce then you need to take definitive steps to make it happen.