Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

What to do?

9 replies

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 18/12/2022 23:08

H and I have made the decision to separate. I don't even know where to start.

We want to just get through the Xmas period as normally as possible for the sake of our dc and tackle it properly in the new year.

H has agreed to move out and allow the kids and I to stay in the family home until we sell (which will be a couple of years)

I'm just not really sure what I'm going to need or what to do? I'm unemployed so that makes things tricky, I will need to talk to universal credits and update that.

Does anyone have any tips for how to deal with all this?

OP posts:
BetterFuture1985 · 19/12/2022 00:42

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 18/12/2022 23:08

H and I have made the decision to separate. I don't even know where to start.

We want to just get through the Xmas period as normally as possible for the sake of our dc and tackle it properly in the new year.

H has agreed to move out and allow the kids and I to stay in the family home until we sell (which will be a couple of years)

I'm just not really sure what I'm going to need or what to do? I'm unemployed so that makes things tricky, I will need to talk to universal credits and update that.

Does anyone have any tips for how to deal with all this?

It's difficult to know what to suggest without a lot more information. Every divorce is different and a solicitor will tend to tell you the outcome depends on the facts. My experience of the process, from reading countless other posts from people on forums like this and others and looking at the statistical outcomes is that this is only partially true. A divorce won't just depend on the facts, it will also depend on negotiation, the consent of the parties and, if relevant, the whims of judges (who will act within the law but have very wide discretion).

However, before we start all of that, the first thing you need to do is sort out your short term financial stability and there are five things in particular that you will need to do that.

  1. Submit your claim universal credit;
  2. Identify how many hours you are able to work and find suitable employment;
  3. Start claiming child benefit if you are not doing so already (e.g. if your husband was earning too much to be eligible);
  4. Arrange child maintenance from your husband, if relevant (i.e. if you are to have the children for more nights a year than him);
  5. Claim your single person discount for council tax.

You'll probably notice a lot of "facts" are necessary to steer these decisions, such as how many hours can you work? That depends on the ages of the children and who is looking after them? Child maintenance similarly depends on the question who is looking after them the most? Also, when it comes to work, it might depend on whether you have had a career before children or not. If you have, you'll be reasonably expected to retrain for that career. If you haven't, your expected earning capacity might be a bit lower for a while.

Once you have those basics sorted you then need to start considering a fair split of assets. So, again, a whole range of facts to consider. How much can you work and how much can you reasonably earn? What does he earn? What are your respective mortgage capacities? Do you own a house or do you rent? What other assets are there (e.g. cars, furniture, savings, jewellery, pensions). The first objective is to house the children, then to house you both.

Then comes the question of any maintenance to pay. Child maintenance is payable where there is not a 50/50 split in childcare between you and follows a set formula. Spousal maintenance is based on needs and, whilst increasingly rare, is still paid in the right circumstances (e.g. someone who hasn't worked for 10 years might reasonably get 1-2 years of maintenance to adjust even if their ex is not a particularly high earner. Someone with a modestly high earner might get something for slightly longer). Spousal maintenance depends on need and ability to pay but universal credit is reduced £ for £ against spousal maintenance received so it is rarely worth receiving unless the payer is a high earner (e.g. I was on about £80k a year at the time, my wife received £1k a month in UC and realistically was going to struggle to convince a court that I should pay more than about £250 a month for about a year, so she just took £2.5k up front to close out the claim).

Then there is pensions. Generally you will be entitled to half of any pensions saved during the marriage. However, you may need to offset some of these claims to get more of the capital in the house if you own one.

Other things to consider.... some people might say you can get an order to stay in the family home until the children are 18. Depends on a lot of factors like how old the children are, whether you can afford to pay the mortgage on your own, your ex's ability to house themselves and many other factors. Bottom line is that if it went to court it's extremely unlikely you would get such an order but they're still very popular in negotiated settlements.

On that subject, statistically you'll probably agree the finances without recourse to a court (which you will only need to use for the consent order). Unless the two of you are very rich, the legal fees are almost certainly not worth it. Nevertheless, you will be unwise to not use a solicitor to ensure everything is drawn up properly. Oh, but don't take what solicitors say as gospel either, there are countless posts here and elsewhere of solicitors missing important details or suggesting outcomes that ended up in a losing court case with lots of fees. I spoke to 5 solicitors before I appointed one, they all had very different views on what the outcome would be and they were all wrong.

One final point on that. Solicitors can advise on the law but the reality is you won't get any stability if your only recourse is to the law. Breached court orders are notoriously high in family law and the enforcement rate is notoriously low. The best way to achieve stability is to negotiate a divorce settlement you can both live with. Where that is not achieved, the most likely outcome is not that one side "wins" and gets what they want but instead expensive (and ongoing) legal fees, vexatious future legal challenges, damaged children, breached court orders (up to and including people leaving the country and moving somewhere the orders can't be enforced) and two adults with no motivation to improve themselves! So it's normally important to try and negotiate an amicable settlement that allows both people to move on without future claims on the other as soon as possible.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 19/12/2022 15:43

First step is to address your unemployment - how quickly do you think you'll find a job? Could you delay him moving out if it's just a couple of months? as I found promises to help towards his share of the mortgage lasted 2 months when he realised how much it would cost to pay rent as well as his share of the mortgage on the family home. He then just stopped paying without warning and dropped to basic CMS.

Then there is the benefits side - I'm not entitled to any so don't have any advice on that one

Then agreeing what your divorce might look like - we are trying to do ours without legal costs so filed the divorce online ourselves and then completing the D81 form which we will just pay a solicitor to finalise.

Custody agreement? What do you think that looks like? Do you need one? We are fairly amicable so haven't engaged a solicitor to formalise that

So much revolves around how amicable you are likely to be and how complicated your affairs are

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 19/12/2022 18:35

Getting back to work is going to be very difficult, I've been out of work for about 4 years and before that worked low paying jobs no career to speak of.

One of the kids is only 1 so would need childcare which we can't afford.

We're a low income household without much in the way of assets. The house is a 50% part ownership one so that will come with its own complications.

We're thinking of him moving out in January possibly to stay with a friend or family member to cut costs while we get things started. I'm hoping it'll be amicable, so far it has been although this has only been decided for the last 24 hours so who knows.

As I'm currently the primary caregiver the DC will be staying with me most of the time with STBEXH having them every other weekend and one evening on the week he isn't having them overnight.

Emotionally I feel like this is going to be so hard on our eldest, especially at this time of year, I really don't want the DC to associate Xmas with their dad leaving. Eldest DC keeps talking about the Xmas traditions that they've been looking forward to all year and saying how much they love having us all together at Xmas time.

OP posts:
BetterFuture1985 · 19/12/2022 20:23

As you have a child aged 1 you won't be expected to go back to work just yet but as you're a low income household that would imply there is no prospect of spousal maintenance in this case either. Your own financial interests will probably be best served with a 50/50 shared care arrangement (assuming he will stick to it) so that you can work part time. That will pay more than you will get in child maintenance. If that can't happen, then you are looking at relying on universal credit and child maintenance until you can work.

I wouldn't be able to say what would happen to the house without more info but unless you could afford it on your own then a sale and both of you renting seems likely. A Mesher Order where you stay until chuldren are older could happen but they are very rare unless negotiated by consent and if you can't afford it on your own and he doesn't earn enough to help and also address his own housing needs then it's not likely.

urbanbuddha · 19/12/2022 20:29

Gingerbread information on separating could be useful to you.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 19/12/2022 21:50

urbanbuddha · 19/12/2022 20:29

Gingerbread information on separating could be useful to you.

Thank you I'll look at that now.

OP posts:
WarrickDavisAsPlates · 19/12/2022 21:52

BetterFuture1985 · 19/12/2022 20:23

As you have a child aged 1 you won't be expected to go back to work just yet but as you're a low income household that would imply there is no prospect of spousal maintenance in this case either. Your own financial interests will probably be best served with a 50/50 shared care arrangement (assuming he will stick to it) so that you can work part time. That will pay more than you will get in child maintenance. If that can't happen, then you are looking at relying on universal credit and child maintenance until you can work.

I wouldn't be able to say what would happen to the house without more info but unless you could afford it on your own then a sale and both of you renting seems likely. A Mesher Order where you stay until chuldren are older could happen but they are very rare unless negotiated by consent and if you can't afford it on your own and he doesn't earn enough to help and also address his own housing needs then it's not likely.

Yes sadly I expect it'll end up with us both renting as we certainly don't have enough money to run this household and another.

Although I have no idea how we both afford to rent, our rent and mortgage currently cost less than £1000 a month for a three bed, to rent a similar property would cost almost £500 a month more.

OP posts:
BetterFuture1985 · 19/12/2022 22:22

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 19/12/2022 21:52

Yes sadly I expect it'll end up with us both renting as we certainly don't have enough money to run this household and another.

Although I have no idea how we both afford to rent, our rent and mortgage currently cost less than £1000 a month for a three bed, to rent a similar property would cost almost £500 a month more.

The rare circumstances where a Mesher Order might be necessary could apply here (normally it's a massive burden on the non-resident as they can't get another mortgage, but if he couldn't own on his own anyway then it would be a chance for you both to track the housing market for a while longer, although you would probably be reasonably be expected to release him from the mortgage by the time you're able to work). However, you would have to be able to afford the mortgage on your own as he doesn't sound like he will have enough to both rent and help you pay the mortgage.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 20/12/2022 12:31

Thank you that's really interesting and has given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread