Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Conflicted on whether to separate from my husband

18 replies

Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 16:56

Hi all,

I've been married for 15 years and have 4 children with my husband. Over the last few months my husband has been really critical of me and calls me "annoying", an "idiot" and says I've put on weight. It really hurts me as I always treat him with respect so I cannot understand this disrespect and its quite hurtful as I've been trying to lose weight but have put on weight due to medication i was having as I haven't been well lately.

I feel like things are getting worse because I am trying to establish boundaries for this behaviour but it seems to be backfiring on me. When he calls me names I have said that I won't tolerate this behaviour anymore when I haven't done anything wrong and he just gets annoyed for the smallest thing.

I'm tired of feeling like I am walking on egg shells but I have four children with this man. He is a good father to the kids and I want to be transparent he has been good to me in the past. I've asked him why his behaviour has changed, I've tried to think have I done anything or maybe it is that I am just ugly and useless now.

I've been thinking about separating now but I keep thinking about my four children and how they would feel. I feel conflicted I don't know what to do but the negative comments are making me feel so worthless. I have started taking action myself like doing exercise to improve my health and wellbeing but sometimes I feel so low I feel like why am I doing this when he doesn't seem to care.

I am soft hearted and even though he makes critical comments to me I just try not to react but I cry to sleep many nights when the kids all are asleep. I never show my sadness or upset in front of kids nor does he name call in front of them either.

Any advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:
isthistheendtakeabreath · 18/12/2022 17:19

Well "good" fathers don't belittle the mother of their children or disrespect her by calling her names for a start

I'm in the process of divorcing - not instigated by me - however whilst he didn't treat me the way yours treats you his behaviour did fall short of what I would say is a loving marriage built on mutual trust and respect and love. I wouldn't want to raise my my children in an environment where my daughters think it's ok to be treated like that and that's all they have to look forward to in a marriage and where my son thinks it's ok to treat his wife like that

Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 17:36

Thank you for your message. You are absolutely right I agree. Maybe I just don't have the courage to leave I am not sure.

OP posts:
BCBird · 18/12/2022 17:39

I would not be happy. U need a calm.and frank discussion in a neutral.place to fund out where this has come from. U should not put up with this behaviour. Don't get your sense of self worth based on him. Be your inner cheer leader.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 17:40

That’s so heartbreaking. Is he going through some mental health crisis? Has he otherwise been a good, loyal husband? Is this relationship worth fighting for, is he willing to get better?

if he is willing to get better, do you even want him to? First off he has to be willing, but you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. No one has to put up with being treated like that. However, if this is all totally out of character is it worth trying to figure out what’s wrong?

you say the last few months, I am assuming (maybe wrongly) the past 14 years have been good?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2022 17:43

Could there be another woman? Him finding you so "inadequate" so suddenly is a huge red flag. He's making you the enemy and gaslighting you.

HelsyQ · 18/12/2022 17:46

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2022 17:43

Could there be another woman? Him finding you so "inadequate" so suddenly is a huge red flag. He's making you the enemy and gaslighting you.

I think that’s a bit of a jump & could cause some unnecessary panic to OP.

Blondlashes · 18/12/2022 17:52

A decent marriage therapist?

Ricco12 · 18/12/2022 18:02

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2022 17:43

Could there be another woman? Him finding you so "inadequate" so suddenly is a huge red flag. He's making you the enemy and gaslighting you.

This was my first thought too.

Virginiaplain · 18/12/2022 18:06

I would get counselling for yourself so you can offload to someone as much of the problem is the stress is putting on a positive show for DCs, I would think.
Also plan improvements in your life do you have any fun hobbies /sports etc.
Speak to a solicitor about how things would share out if you did separate so then it’s not some horrid scary future but is what could happen if he continues and might even be better for the family all round. Having a sad depressed mum is not good no matter how great a father he apparently is. He can continue to be the good father even if you live apart.

Onefootinthegroove · 18/12/2022 18:09

Ricco12 · 18/12/2022 18:02

This was my first thought too.

Show quote history

Me too
Cherchez la femme

Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 18:14

Thanks for all your messages everyone. I have to consider all the possibilities but I doubt there is another woman only because he is at home a lot but i just dont know anymore. I have tried to ask what's wrong but he keeps saying "its nothing its just you" meaning that I just being "me" annoys him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 18:15

I don't know what to do because if I try to talk to him about it and tell him my feelings he just gets defensive and blames me saying its me annoying him - it's weird because I can't think of what I did to annoy him. I cook, clean the house, look after kids, freelance work and everything. I don't feel I can even talk to him anymore without getting yelled at :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 18:17

He has been good there were ups and downs with his temper throughout the years but we sorted things out and I was able to talk to him. Now its just become frequent outbursts at me to the point where he just looks at me like he hates me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 18:18

Thank you I think I've lost myself in giving so much to husband and kids that I've lost my identity as a person. I used to like to dance and enjoyed going for a run. I don't do that anymore. Perhaps I should start again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 18:20

Thank you. It's so hard when you are constantly put down and made to feel so worthless but I am trying so hard to get my soul back I feel like I've just lost the person I used to be because I myself feel so negatively and inadequate due to his comments

OP posts:
Virginiaplain · 18/12/2022 18:44

Whatever’s happened it’s him and not you …but I would get straight into contacting running groups , look into dancing. To take your mind off his shenanigans.

Original poster
Jemma1986 · 18/12/2022 20:01

Thank you. I think I am going to take action and do this at least to take my mind off it. I've cried so much my heart honestly hurts. I have to keep going off to the bathroom to cry on my own and wipe away any signs of upset or tears and put on a smile in front of the kids. I don't know how long I can keep it up.

OP posts:
Neverfeltpainlikeit · 20/12/2022 23:52

I can’t read your last message and not offer you anything but my sincere sympathy, a break up is horrible and I’m in the middle of one too, though for different but very hurtful circumstances.

keep talking to friends and family x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page