When will the heartache stop?

[LucyLLou79]

Not sure why I am posting on here, but probably because I can't talk to anyone in RL or feel I have anyone to listen.

My longterm relationship broke down a year ago and I feel I have not moved forward. I keep hearing folk saying things will get better in time but I feel stuck. I don't know how to break out of the sadness and rebuild a future. Some days I just wish my life would end to stop me feeling this way.

I am lonely, feel like I have no one to talk to, no one who really cares. People say keep yourself busy but when I reach out to friends they are alway busy with their own lives, or make plans then cancel and I end up sitting alone.

I am really struggling today as have barely seen or spoken to anyone all week (plus the run up to xmas). I can't motivate myself to do anything, no interest or ability to concentrate on TV programmes etc, and worst of all my kids see me like this as I just can't hide it all the time. Haven't even managed to get out of bed today as just don't see the point. Sometimes I feel I have nothing in my life, the kids don't need me they aŕ getting older and the way I am I just make them sad

I want to stop feeling this way but I just can't. I know there's probably no easy answer here but just feeling so low I wanted to reach out today.

It does get better I promise. It just takes time.
Reach out to your kids say your struggling plan stuff with them. Impose on people. Staying in bed won't help get up clean the house bake go for a walk you don't need other people necessarily to keep yourself busy.

Thank you @ivegotthisyeah I just dont seem to cope with being on my own. I do what i have to on my own, have tried at times doing things like going to the gym, but the more I do I then loose faith coz I'm still on my own, nit naking new friends/relationships like folk say I will.

I've yold my kids I'm sorry and they know I am struggling with things I've told them that (they ate 13 and 17). It's hard to find things to do with them as they have their own life's.

@LucyLLou79 keep up with the gym in the new year they will be an influx of new faces and potential new friends and even a new man 😜 talk to people at the gym start conversations it's all about putting yourself out there.
As the saying go accept every invite even if it's to an opening of an envelope! As this can open new doors. Have you tied online dating? Even just to have some messages will lift your mood you don't have to meet them if it's too soon but it does put a spring in your step!
I think this time of year is always harder as people have lots going on normally in couples but the think positive new year new you x

I’m a fine one to talk but they do say that going out every day is good even if it’s just a walk around the block or visit a local park?
Is there anyone you know locally who would like a cup of tea with you, at yours? A lonely older person? Reach out to others.
If you fancy doing some voluntary work could you fit that in to your child care schedule? For example it doesn’t need to be in a charity shop; it could be something horticultural for the National Trust or a charity run allotment. Whatever might float your boat.
Im pulling ideas out of the air but I would urge you to get out & about. Meet people you would never usually mix with. They’ve all got stories to tell.
You must go to the world & get out of your 4 walls. The world won’t come to you & a new friendship or relationship is just waiting out there for you.
Tomorrow is another day & in my experience life “turns on a sixpence.” With a bit of effort, you won’t always feel like this. Chin up. Big hug. New Year coming, new beginnings.

Yeah I am trying to think of new year new start. I don't feel ready to date, as I know I need to rebuilt myself, just keep thinking what would I talk about, I'd make them run a mile as I have nothing going on and nothing to talk about except my broken heart! I did sign up to obe of the paid sites, but the free version, and you are right receiving messages/smiles from guys does make me feel a sense of hope a bit (though as I've nit git the paid version I have no idea if they are guys I would be attracted to, as I can't even see their images or read what they are sending)

In many ways I still want my ex back, but sometimes I worry its for the wrong reason, loneliness not love as deep down I think I deserve more that he ever gave me (maybe in part why I am struggling so much now).

I am missing intimacy, feeling lived and just having that someone there. Getting to that point with anyone just feels like a million miles away x

Thank you. I have started looking into volunteering opportunities and joined some groups, but my confidence has just taken a knock.

I guess I am looking at these things not as stepping stones and opportunities but just asking myself is this it for me, no one loves me so I have to do everything alone.

I fobtvthink volunteering for older folk eill work for me as everything I do things like that or meet other way older than me I just feel worse. I think I am really seeking new friendships, widening that circle but finding folk either similar interests I guess male or female just yo have people to talk to and do things with would help. Xx

I think you sound generally depressed. Perhaps triggered by the relationship ending.

So i'd treat yourself as if you are. Read up on how to heal yourself.

Ultimately your focus needs to be about finding happiness within yourself and your immediate and current circle and rebuilding that so you feel you have a more solid foundation. And from that in a year or two you can move forwards. Getting back into dating when this low and vulnerable could be a disaster. You probably arent in the right headspace for new friends.

Its about small things. Finding small and i
Mean tiny small bits of happiness in each day and slowly slowly your mindset changes and as you shift into a more positive space you become more open and people are more drawn to you and spending time with you and you have more things to talk about. Clean sheets. A nice bath. Helping one of your DCs with a problem. A new series of a favourite program. A blue sky. A smile from a stranger. Perhaps even try writing three down a day.

I agree with others. A walk every day. Its for your health. Do you take a vitamin d supplement for winter? Eating well several nights a week. Cleaning out a cupboard or drawer each weekend. If you want to see a film-go see it. People go to the cinema to watch a film in the dark and not speak. You don't need anyone. Stop waiting for others and get on with your life. Take a book to a cafe and get out of the house.

Smile at everyone. Listen to your favourite music. Try podcasts that relate to your interests. I find pottering around with my headphones on like having good company.

We tend to want quick fixes. A series of
Small changes could each make you feel 5% better. But 5% when you are this low is worth having. And with that 5% under
Your belt you may be able to move
Forward another 5%.

You didnt get here overnight it took years. Its going to take some time to get out of it. But you can and will.

Thank you @vivaespanaole I think you are right and I think I know this deep down, hence why I have refrained from trying dating even though I know longer term its where I want to be. I need to heal myself 1st but I'm torn against that ticking time bomb of life, saying just do it life's to short, and the knowledge that I need to learn to feel strong in myself and build my swlf esteem/confidence and independence so I never feel such loss again if ever I was to dmfibd myself here again. (And also just to fulfil my life).

I am going to use your suggestion of the small things every day, never really thought about things as small as some of your suggestions but how I feel today, an accomplishment would simply be got dressed and all to often its easy to forget those small things!

Dobt think im ready for doing the other things as I would just feel that people were looking at me like the saddo with no mates! And that would mess with my head

Thank you for taking the time x

Not sure I have

Some days. I literally used
To have to keep it as basic as saying 'one foot in front of the other and breathe'.
It became a mantra because the first step is always the hardest one.

Glad the small things idea stuck. Deffo makes life feel less of a mountain.

Try happy place podcast. Lots of celebs with amazing lifes talking about their anxiety and depression. Makes you feel
More normal and less alone.

People are generally less interested in you then you think when out in public but I understand that might be a step too far at the moment.

@LucyLLou79 hey, just wondering how you are doing? X

Thanks for taking the time to ask @vivaespanaole. I'm better than I was a few weeks ago. So that's good, it's seems just to come and go in waves. Have tried to keep myself busy and believe in myself a little more x

@LucyLLou79 that sounds a bit more positive.
As you say there may be another wave at some point but at least you can tell yourself it will pass next time. And maybe the gaps between the waves will get longer (as oppose to them disappearing all together). Check back in if you start to struggle again. There is nothing like the kindness of strangers to lift you up when you need reminding the world isn't all bad.

Thanks, that's do true @vivaespanaole I was really moved when you posted to ask how I was. Like you say, helps restore faith that life's not all bad and people do care. Thanks

So I wanted to post an update here, as I feel so much better than when I made this post 😁

My relationship broke down a year ago because my partner (after 21yrs) was a cheat and a liar. I spent a year of my life thinking I wanted him back, and it's taken me this long to realise I really don't. I deserve better, I was just afraid of what the future holds (still am!) But every day I am growing stronger and the confidence that brings will help me deal with whatever life brings. The future is mine to make it what I want and hopefully that will bring me happiness. I'm sure there will still be plenty ups and downs along the way, but I wanted to thank all of you that took time to comment on my post and played your part in my journey of recovery this far.

@LucyLLou79 thanks so much for posting your update, you do sound in a much more pragmatic and balanced now. Am so glad you got yourself unstuck. I am sure you children and others will sense it and over the coming months other things will click into place too.

I heard this little tip the other day and I loved it and have been desperate to share it with someone.

It was about being in a dark patch and the person forced themself to finish ever negative thought/rant/sentence with.... but fortunately..... in order to retrain their brain to see the positives and opportunities in situations. I thought this was so simple and plan to use it myself next time I get in a rut.

Maybe 2023 is going to be your year, you didn't see that coming did you! X

Thanks @vivaespanaole. I really hope 2023 can be my year, who knows what the future holds. I do hope it will bring happiness and I am now taking steps to hopefully increase the chances of that. Xx