Is this fair?

[S2390sto]

I have a 10 year old child and my ex left the country and contributes nothing, I have met someone and we have been dating for 2 years and we all feel like a blended family. He has been going through a financial settlement for 3 years but is not yet legally divorced. We are both high earners and have good pensions (me late 20s, him early 40s). He was married for 8 years with 2 kids 10 and 8. I do want more children and feel I have met the right person but I’m worried about what this means for my future. I hate basing my love on finance but I need to protect myself. His ex won’t accept any offer and their final court date is in July. He has offered 100% of the house if she can cover the mortgage (he will remain on it and it’s worth 900k) this is not negotiable because everyone wants the kids to stay in the family home. He will pay her 3k per month for child maintenance, and 50% pension. He will also pay for the car until the lease is up next year. She is on minimum wage and works part time so this seems fair. He sold a flat and they split 50% so she has 50k in savings, for the final offer he has asked for 10k to pay his tax bill and the rest is hers. At the moment he is paying the full mortgage, his own rent, child maintenance, the car she drives, and is in a lot of debt with tax and he can’t cover it for long. The sticking point is the 10k he is asking for, and that she can’t move her partner into the house because that’s a ‘triggering’ event for a house sale legally. Can we remove the cohabitation clause so her partner can live in the family home?
I have offered to loan him some money but do not really want to get dragged into it all, she has put in the offer that we can both get a mortgage together so he can give her more but refuses me to be around the kids so not sure how that would work in practice, I can’t leave my own home when the kids come over. Does this seem like a fair deal, and if refused how do court fees get covered it seems impossible?

Christ almighty OP - I can’t offer any help but what an absolute nightmare.

This is ex is just trying to cause bother, I cannot believe the settlement she is getting and still isn’t happy.

Wishing you and your partner well.

Seems like he’s handing way too much over
why on Earth !

And the point about you not being around kids is bonkers
your ‘d’p is being a mug

What's 100% of the house? How much equity is in it now? Is the 3k a month after the divorce? Or does that include the mortgage now?

No it doesn’t sound like a fair offer.

They should consider selling the family home, splitting the equity and having a clean break once and for all.

How he will be able to move on with you, especially if he has more children, I can’t see.

Many divorcing couples don’t want to sell up but unfortunately many have to and it’s not the end of the world (did it myself with two small dc at the time.)

Poor guy made the worst financial mistake one can make in England. As a high earner marry a low earner! Doomed!

Thank you all, I didn’t think it was fair either but I probably misrepresented the problem. I want his kids to have the best in life, and I can provide for my own child but the issue is if we have more children. I definitely do not want to be married again but I want to protect everything I have worked for, I just fear she will go after even more including my income. The reason she has given for me not to be around the children is because I spoke to her on the phone, she was really nice and I opened up to her, I told her I had anxiety at the time and she said her ex was actually a really nice guy, she then turned nasty and said I had severe mental health issues and can’t be trusted around kids. I do actually have a lot of anxiety since this situation and it’s so hard being told you’re a danger. I would never say that unless I had good reason. Am I silly to even contemplate having a child with a man I love because of his ex? The kids may not even be allowed to see their own step siblings. I do agree though, his financial deal is absolutely crazy. The equity so far is 480k but she just refused to leave the house and court took 3 years.

I’ll say it again
hes a mug

they should sell the house, split the equity ( and pension) get a clean break. there’s enough money for her to sell and be rehoused releasing him from the mortgage and fir her to receive clean break

if you put up with this and his ex and him accepting this plus her attitude and dictating terns re children etc then you are too

I think that would work if she was reasonable. Unfortunately she is refusing even 100% equity, so nothing will work. His solicitor has said it will be another 40k for the final hearing, he is already in debt and has to offer what he can to retain some of his salary to rebuild, and the kids get to stay in their home. I will not interfere if two parents agree that their kids should stay in a home, to me that sounds reasonable and caring. He doesn’t stop having responsibilities as a dad, but it’s a shame she just cannot negotiate.

Why are you considering tying yourself to a man I’m
assuming 15 years older who’s in debt and has a previous family to support? You’re not even 30 yet! Other nice men are available!

I’m not considering ‘tying’ myself to him, I’m considering have a child with a man I love, sorry if that sounds offensive. He is in debt because he married a low owner and wants to care for his children. I also have a ‘current’ family to care for which I do, does it mean anyone that meets me has your opinion? That would be a sad world!

He's being ridiculous making a settlement like this. He needs a new solicitor.

I’m not offended but I think you need to be realistic that having a child with someone is creating an unbreakable tie with them. I think it’s great he wants to care for his children, more men should be like him! BUT I would urge extreme caution in proceeding in this situation because from what you have said it’s likely you’ll be shouldering the vast majority of the financial burden which could have a detrimental impact on your existing child and cause resentment down the line.

Hi OP.
I’ve been in your situation and I supported DP with the unreasonable ex and the financial pressures and my advice would be to walk away.
ive been with DP (now DH) for 8 years and financially he still hasn’t recovered. She’s always after him for more money. She’s always causing drama.
Im the higher earner (just) and what’s end up happening is to keep the peace I’ve just ended up paying more and more.
we have a DD and I basically solely financial support her.
In hindsight him signing the financial agreement (against legal advice I might add) is what started this whole mess and now to get out of it is just too complicated.

I do agree with you completely this is what’s making me so upset, after everything I’ve been through I’ve worked so hard to build my life up again. I meet someone that is actually decent and we both have history, I just wish it wasn’t this complicated!

To me it sounds like your partner's best bet is court (let them decide what is fair - no other choice when one party is unreasonable) and downplay your relationship until their divorce is sorted out (as you don't want to be dragged in to it).

It sounds like the ex wants your partner and possibly you engaged in drama and nonsense. Sounds like she is trying to exert control. If i were you id suggest court to my partner and ceasing to engage in exs antics.

I’m sorry for what you have been through, I think I needed to read this. I thought having a court ordered settlement may ease things but I’m not sure it will ever stop.

I’m sorry, it’s pretty shit to develop feelings for someone and then realise a future with them is going to be difficult. I don’t mean to be overly harsh in my posts but I do think you need to realise that unfortunately this issue is not going to go away and you might be setting yourself up for a very hard time.

Well, it looks to me on the face of it that he is being generous, but then there is the clause that his ex cannot move a partner into the house, so he is trying to control her still. She is also trying to control him by not allowing the children to spend time with you.

So it sounds like an absolute nightmare to me, and I would be running for the hills!

It sounds a generous offer. What does she want to settle it?

Interesting how in a situation when the man is the financial liability everyone on here is telling the woman to run for the hills. when usually men should accept any situation for love.

I don’t think anyone, male or female should accept any situation “for love” and I don’t see that as a view widely populated on here either.

How much does he earn op?

My partner is in a similar situation- but not a high earner. I basically have had to tell him to sort out his own affairs before we can move forward as a couple. Initially i was encouraging him to be generous to ex with mesher but she was unreasonable and wanted more more more. Figured in end she is just bitter and greedy and wants to keep him engaged.

To have a life with your partner he has to close things off with his ex - court is only option imo. Also beware him being over generous with his ex as in that scenario you may end up feeling you are funding another womans lifestyle and its just not right. So clean break via court is best then you guys can move forward. A court will decide wgat is fair and right, then you and your partner can disengage.

I wouldn't let horrible ex get what she wants but equally figure out whats important to you and set out your boundaries.

Re the stipulation re house being sold if another bloke moves in , thats common with mesher and not about control. However in this scenario clean break no doubt best