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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Children's father repartnering but not told children

19 replies

Lanz72 · 17/12/2022 09:36

We are not divorced yet and nothing has been settled financially or children's custody. I moved hurriedly into rental accommodation as it was becoming physically abusive. I was the SAHM and so currently we have a 9/5 night shared care arrangement over a fortnight. He would now like 50/50 equal shared care but I suspect for financial reasons as he has recently refused to care for children on his currently agreed nights when they had covid, interfered with his physio appointments or work commitments.

A few times in the last few months I have heard from children that they've met a friend of Daddy's called Karen, or one night he kept our 11 year old daughter up late at night to keep company with Karen's 7 year old daughter who he was babysitting and today they've been out playing board games at a game parlour with Karen and her daughter. He's not told the children he's dating but he's been spotted by a work friend of mine, leaving our jointly owned home with a lady and getting into our car (assets not sorted yet)....my intuition is telling me she's the new girlfriend but he's not telling his kids or me about it.

I know our children won't be happy about this. Do I challenge him to tell them the truth? I don't want to keep his "secrets" from the kids. Stay in my own lane or tell him to stop being deceitful?

Anyone wish their was a manual on how to navigate this stuff?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 17/12/2022 12:03

Well, it’s not up to the kids whether he dates or not but perhaps he should be a bit more sensitive especially if it’s still early days re separation

where are you in relation to divorce/settlement/ child arrangements? Is that in progress

thing is you could ask him to tell them but it won’t make any difference most likely and ultimately going forward you won’t be able to dictate or control that so ultimately all you can do is reassure your children that they are loved and it’s ok to talk to you about anything

MintJulia · 17/12/2022 12:18

If you've split, he's entitled to date. As long as he does it tactfully and doesn't flaunt a shared bed in front of your dcs, I'd just let it develop slowly.

If your dcs comment, just refer to daddy's friend, stay calm about it and hopefully they will too.

Sirzy · 17/12/2022 12:20

It actually sounds a sensible way to introduce them and see how things go.

they Don’t need to know the ins and outs

Rapunzel22 · 17/12/2022 12:23

What is the timespan here?

AngelontopoftheTree · 17/12/2022 12:47

I agree it sounds sensible. What's your concern?

Mari9999 · 17/12/2022 17:41

Maybe he is trying to do a gradual introduction to this person as a dating partner and perhaps he wants them to know her first as a his friend. I would agree that it far too soon for introductions of any sort, but on the other hand it is not your place to share any of dad's news particularly news that does not concern you or is none of your business. Dad should deal with and handle any fall out from the means and timing of this introduction.

Original poster
Lanz72 · 17/12/2022 17:45

Thank you for your replies.
My concern is that he knows the children will not want to spend more time with him, the move to 50/50 which he's pushing for, if they know. So by witholding this new girlfriend information he's not being transparent with them.
Ex was the 4th child in our family, had a porn addiction and gamed incessantly so our marriage had been in name only for years. We did a year of counseling, got no where. I don't think it's too soon for him to be dating and genuinely wish him well but just want us all to be up front.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/12/2022 17:49

I don't think you need to challenge anything.
All you need to know is what his plans are in terms of if it's a fast moving relationship and it means they'll be looking to blend families or whatever.

Other than that he's done the right thing introducing her as a friend in the first instance.

Soontobe60 · 17/12/2022 17:57

TBH it sounds like you want to sabotage the possibility that he has the children 50/50. Thats understandable but it could backfire on you. If they react negatively to the news coming from you, especially now they’ve got to know this woman and appear to like her, they could even go as far as to want to spend even more time with him.
I’d leave well alone - it’ll all come out in the wash…

MintJulia · 17/12/2022 18:56

Be careful your feelings don't stray towards parental alienation OP, the court might take a dim view.

Just let his relationship develop and wait to negotiate how you share your dcs.

Original poster
Lanz72 · 17/12/2022 20:10

Thanks all. Definitely not interested in parental alienation as I know it's in their best interests to have relationship with their Dad hence the 9/5 split per 14 days. Unfortunately he doesn't always keep his current time with them if they are sick or it interferes with his life and it's for those reasons I am reluctant to go 50/50 as I end up covering for him as and when it's needed.

OP posts:
Redebs · 17/12/2022 20:14

I wouldn't be surprised if he is less keen on pursuing 50/50 care as he gets serious about his new partner.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2022 20:16

Lanz72 · 17/12/2022 20:10

Thanks all. Definitely not interested in parental alienation as I know it's in their best interests to have relationship with their Dad hence the 9/5 split per 14 days. Unfortunately he doesn't always keep his current time with them if they are sick or it interferes with his life and it's for those reasons I am reluctant to go 50/50 as I end up covering for him as and when it's needed.

That's not what the thread was about, though.

Starlightstarbright1 · 17/12/2022 20:19

I think he is probably trying to do the introduction slowly which isn't an issue.

My guess is as there is a younger child in the picture, it works nicely.

How long have you been separated..I would personally suggest that he starts doing the 5 days before increasing.. see what happens with this relationship then

Goawayangryman · 17/12/2022 20:19

Do you have police records of the domestic abuse?. I mean, that is your strongest case against 50/50. The new partner is neither here nor there.

Plus, get your divorce sorted and your assets protected.

Unifolorn · 17/12/2022 20:23

It seems like he is being sensible in regards to the suspected new partner. They have met her by the sound of it but aren't aware they're dating which is ideal until he think it'll be serious. It's up to him when he tells them, I do think out of respect he should tell you also but isn't obliged to. The custody is a different matter, I'd be more concerned about the fact you said he was abusive. It sounds like he has them a fair bit now anyway, in honesty unless he's on a huge wage I don't really get why he would want them more often just to avoid paying a small amount of maintenance.

Original poster
Lanz72 · 17/12/2022 23:33

Thanks all. I will stay in my own lane and let him navigate his telling the kids and their feelings around.
It's unfortunately him dragging the feet on the financial settlement, divorce etc. My lawyer is on it.

But thanks mumsnet, sometimes I can't see the woods for the trees!

OP posts:
CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 17/12/2022 23:37

An 11 year old will probably realise what's happening! Kids aren't stupid.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 17/12/2022 23:42

I can imagine that this hurts.

Try and do as the other wise women suggest and keep quiet for the DC,

Men are dogs.

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