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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Financial disclosure

30 replies

Black73 · 13/12/2022 17:09

My husband and i separated in June 2021, he claimed that he didn't know what he wanted and then took some time out to think things through. Fast forward to the present day - His mistress of two years found me to tell all. I discovered that he had been leading a double life for two years. The question I have is this... During the time that he was in this relationship, he spent thousands of pounds on her, which was essentially our joint money. I understand that as soon as we filed for divorce the money, he spends on whoever is his business, but for the two years that they were together it was our joint money, therefore my question is; do i have any claim on the money he has spent? Should he reimburse me at least half of the money he has spent on her?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 13/12/2022 17:14

No

Original poster
Black73 · 13/12/2022 17:16

Hi, thanks for your reply - can you provide me with any context to your answer?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 13/12/2022 17:17

If you can demonstrate he has disposed of substantial assets that’s one thing that could be consdered

if its just general media/ days out/ presents etc then no

Original poster
Black73 · 13/12/2022 17:21

I can demonstrate that he has spent significant marital assets, we are talking thousands of pounds. I have proof of this

OP posts:
isthistheendtakeabreath · 13/12/2022 17:25

Legally I'd say no unless he spent the money on a credit card or loans and you could claim they then aren't a marital debt but his alone?

Morally I'd be inclined to raise it as part of your negotiation and see what he says? Is he the type to be really embarrassed you've found out? What if you said you'd tell everyone what he did? I suspect that's why my ex husband is agreeing to pretty much everything - if people knew the real reason he wants to divorce they'd be disgusted in him and I suspect he thinks by not pushing for a greater share of our assets that I'm less likely to tell everyone

Original poster
Black73 · 13/12/2022 17:31

He clearly doesn't have any morals to do what he has done. But the lady he had the affair with is also the injured party now and is willing to provide me with an inventory of all the gifts and holidays they shared. Some of what they include are, a car, a holiday to New York and Las Vegas, Tiffany jewellery etc etc etc....

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 13/12/2022 17:34

It doesn’t matter if it just spending of income

if you had 50k I’m a savings account and Hess emptied it that might be different

do you also want h going through all your spending over the last 2 years ?

millymollymoomoo · 13/12/2022 17:39

Do you work?
has he contributed to your living expenses? Mortgage / bills?
di you have children together ?

Settlements generally based on needs rather than who has spent what

Original poster
Black73 · 13/12/2022 17:43

That would be an interesting read, if he wanted to look at my spending, I wouldn't mind him doing this at all. Just bills and food.

The money spent came out of his business, so my money too. Not money he allocated to his wages. My solicitor seems to feel that i have a claim, i just wondered whether anyone else had experience of this. Its exhausting having to fight for scraps to just get by. I take comfort in almost being free of him and feeling much happier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Black73 · 13/12/2022 18:42

I do work and I am very independent of him. Our children are grown up so not classed as dependants.

We have an outline of a financial settlement agreed, just a few things keep coming out of the woodwork whenever we think we have reached a conclusion - like a two-year affair. As well as discovering that he had been active on a swingers website. (Where he met the lady, he had the affair with) Been quite a revelation - how could i not know any of this? Just goes to show, do you really know who you are married to?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 13/12/2022 18:50

I've heard of many cases of men spending money on their mistresses. I have never heard of anyone trying to claim half of that money back, no. And I have never heard of anyone getting half of the money back either.

Best to put it behind you and move on.

Potluck22 · 14/12/2022 06:44

It sounds like understandably still reeling and upset from the betrayal. That is human and natural. However try to stand back and see the bigger picture. Is it really worth sweating the small stuff here? Personally I'd focus on getting a good overall settlement. I think working with a mistress with a grievance against your ex may just come across as a tad petty and may make divorce negotiations more antagonistic and prolonged.

It's good you found out what an undesirable partner this man is. Your life will no doubt be richer without him. If you are lucky and dont get dragged in to drama by his mistress he may feel guilty and be more generous when it comes to divorce negotiations. Have you started finance divorce negotiations currently?

Original poster
Black73 · 14/12/2022 10:09

I hear what you are saying - for me this is not about the money, its more about not being a doormat anymore. However, i recognise that i might never feel empowered when challenging a narcissist. I have to know that I have tried though.

OP posts:
Potluck22 · 14/12/2022 14:38

At the end of the day with divorce you have to do what feels right for you.

However, if your ex is a narcissist you will never get answers and have to find your own closure. Staying engaged in antics and drama would keep giving fuel to a narcissist. Also if truly you are dealing with a narcissist your best bet is to free yourself, firm boundaries and zero or as little contact as is humanly possible. You can't change another person, only yourself.

TheUniversalsHere · 14/12/2022 18:23

I don't know how common it is for this to be done but in the UK it is known as dissipation of assets and it is not impossible that it be taken into account from what I have read. Your ex's spending does sound 'wanton' but you need to check with a decent solicitor if this would be something that is likely court wld agree and award back half of that to you in any settlement. If not you cld waste a tonne of time, money and stress on this. Good luck and the best thing is you are fuckwit free! www.mcalisterfamilylaw.co.uk/news/does-having-an-affair-affect-your-divorce-settlement/

Remainiac · 14/12/2022 18:29

DSil got a substantial lump sum as part of her divorce settlement in respect of the family money that BiL had spent on prostitutes over many years. She was able to prove it and come up with a reasonable estimate of the amount.

Original poster
Black73 · 15/12/2022 10:41

thank you all so much for your help with this. My ex has his own business, he has been reluctant for me to see his full accounts and has attempted to get away with sharing limited information, e.g turnover. He has now admitted that his accounts do show that he has taken a considerable amount out of the business (this will include the £20K estimated expenses, spent on his then girlfriend) he tried to claim that his upturn in wages was due to me. Maybe partly true, in respect of his legal costs but nothing more.
For me this hasn't actually been about the money, but his morals, or lack of... Understandably, me and my children have not had a great time since learning all of the sordid details, but now feel a little better that he can no longer try to control me.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 15/12/2022 11:56

Be aware of spending more in legall frees than any money you might get

Randomperson99 · 15/12/2022 12:31

What if you spend a lot on luxury hairdressers and massages. Do you think he would have a claim on getting that money back?

Original poster
Black73 · 15/12/2022 15:31

Really good point to make and I would imagine the answer would be yes, but as I have never done this it wouldn't be relevant to me. I am passionate about the settlement being fair, i have played the game and disclosed all of my financial details to him, for full transparency. I guess things are only ever hidden, when there is something to hide, hey? Thanks for your comment though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Black73 · 15/12/2022 15:33

absolutely, I only use my solicitor for consultation purposes which is better in some ways as it stops having to go backwards and forwards. Everything else, I have done myself to save money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Black73 · 15/12/2022 15:35

Yep, i had my last and final meeting with him yesterday. Thankfully, i won't ever need to see him again.

OP posts:
Randomperson99 · 15/12/2022 15:53

Basically unless the sums are really significant I doubt the court would go back and check who spend money on what.

Original poster
Black73 · 15/12/2022 16:51

It was £20K in just over a year....

OP posts:
Rapunzel22 · 17/12/2022 12:31

So in effect you are talking about wanting to reclaim 10K?

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