WWYD

[freedomforme]

Fist Xmas separated, so please be kind. 8yr old son

Been separated a few months, weren't getting on due to husbands behaviour, abusive, pub and work over family etc. Resentment built, separated however abuse escalated. He's now had a caution for domestic abuse. His family have now cut ties with me due to this.

Husband sees DS EOW and after school for a couple of hours, however moans that collecting him from school and dropping him off isn't working due to his job etc. I've told him to step up and take more responsibility, however it's falling on deaf ears.

I don't know what happened the past few weeks but I'm overcome with complete anger. Although husband was rarely around, it's making me realise now how much he really didn't contribute. I've depression and anxiety so I'd say that's playing a big part in how I feel. It's definitely better that we're split, I don't dread his key in the door etc and son is a lot happier in a much calmer household.

The anger is driving me bonkers. Anger that I put up with his behaviour for so long prior to us separating, anger that his family have cut ties with me, anger that he's still not stepping up. I've had to go to CMS as he continually lied about his income to pay less.

I just want to feel normal and happy again. I have no joy in anything at the moment. I just want to sleep so I'm not feeling like this. Solicitors involved however constantly on edge, as I'm waiting on letters going to his, then waiting on a reply coming back.

Has anyone else felt like this? It honestly doesn't make sense to me why I feel like I'm missing something even though it wasn't actually there before. It's the horrible. Just wondering if it will get

@freedomforme If it wasn't for the domestic abuse and the frequenting of pubs, I would say the same to you as I said to my ex-wife. It's all very well you convincing yourself that you do everything and resenting your ex for "doing nothing" but the money that afforded the lifestyle you had - including being able to pick up your son from school everyday - didn't fall out of a magic money tree. I don't know the extent to which you work yourself; my ex refused to work at all and had the luxury of being a full time parent, a role that required me to make up the shortfall in income with a stressful job with long hours and a second job on the side too. It's not really fair for someone to resent the "breadwinner" for "doing nothing" unless they actually understand - ideally through experience - what bringing enough money home involves. It might have been different in your situation, but the point I made to my ex is that if she wanted me around at home more, she should have stepped up and got a job as soon as all the children were in primary school to that I could work less.

However, the frequenting of pubs suggests he had rather more free time than me which changes the situation slightly! And there's never an excuse for DA or DV.

Thanks for responding @BetterFuture1985

I too work full time, granted this has only been for the past few years. Prior to that I was part time, which allowed me to do school runs etc.

The resentment started when I went back to work full time and husband had to step up and do school pick up. He hated not having his afternoon nap and having dinner on the table when he came in.

It just makes me so angry that when I look back I didn't see it. As mine wasn't a physical job, it was implied mine was less important (stressful high pressure job)

I thought he'd step up when we separated, but it's not transpired. Which I suppose isn't surprising, but disappointing all the same

I think you are projecting your own relationship issues onto the OP here. There is no suggestion in the OP that she works part time, or that she is missing his contribution to her 'lifestyle'. Or that he was even the breadwinner. And she has every right to resent a man who doesn't pay what he owes for his child, and doesn't step up and do his share of the parenting. Never mind the fact that he was violent to her! She can resent the hell out of that, I bloody would.

@freedomforme As I said above I can understand why you are angry. He's turned out to be a shit. He's let you down, and he's letting his child down. You put your all into your parenting role, and you expect the person you procreate with to do the same, and he just isn't. And you can't make him, all you can do is watch the impact it will have on his relationship with his child.

Your anger is not irrational, you just need some techniques to manage it, and ways to be able to let it go. It might be worth having a chat to your GP to see if you can get a referal to some talking therapy, talking to someone about it will help I think.

I have similar anger and it’s due to me realising what a mug I was for so many years.

I didn’t get the impression from your opening post that it was due to him not being around Ie at work, so I really don’t think that first poster was relevant.

There’s a big difference difference (with or withou DA and drinking) between having long working hours and thinking working is a free pass to have priority on afternoon naps!

Some men just don’t think they should share parenting and house work period. They think they are intrinsically better and worth more than you.

I went to therapy and this is what led to my realisation. My anger is that with my new understanding I am reviewing past events in a different light, and realise I was being mind fucked from the very start.

I wonder if for you the separation meant you had a similar epiphany? You thought, it’s clear what his duties are, he can’t bend or twist the facts to make it seem that you (the ex wife) were being unreasonable. Yet still he can’t step up. So all the times in the past when you gave him the benefit of the doubt, no he was being just as selfish then as he is now (eg CMS lying). So that might be where the anger is from.

What you do about it is another matter, and it’s the issue I’m having. Yes it takes up a lot of emotional energy at a time when that’s in poor supply anyway.

We are in the process of divorcing and all I can do is wait it out. I’m hoping once it’s all over I can relax. I have had plenty of practice of this, so a few more months? is just more of the same.

If anyone comes along with suggestions, I will also be following with interest.

I would decide I don’t want to be angry. It’s a shit emotional that literally poisons our body and our mind. It also contaminates all those around us. We are only meant to be angry for short periods, basically long enough to to get us out of danger in fight or flight mode. We should not sustain it.

Anger clouds our judgement and inhibits rational behaviour. I have never seen an angry person assert themselves well and they are generally not articulate. These are capabilities you need to divorce.

if you are depressed you are prone to anger quicker. You need to end the vicious circle. Nothing will change what has happened or who was and is. But you can change you.

I’d seek treatment for your anger. Find ways to deal with it. Like exercise, healthy eating etc.

She doesn't need 'treatment' for anger, that's more misogynistic shit that has been used to hold women back for ever.

Use your anger, channel it wisely, ice cold fury if necessary. It's perfectly natural in the circumstances to be angry. I wish women weren't socialised to avoid it.

@freedomforme but OP isn't your ex wife, and her post was about the anger she's feeling post seperation due to the fact that her ex still isn't pulling his weight, which suggests he never was.

OP, it's totally normal to feel properly pissed off in my experience. I was furious for the reasons you have mentioned and more. It was several years until that anger really fizzled out, and with hindsight I should have got some help to work through it more efficiently as it was exhausting.

anger that he's still not stepping up

I would maybe try and let go of the expectation that he will, if he couldn't pull it out of the bag to keep the family together he's unlikely to suddenly start doing it now.

It is a lot to take on, but you sound like you are doing an excellent job for your boy, to be the mum he needs, regardless of how your ex shows up for him.

Try and take any help you can get, single mumming with an uncooperative ex is no picnic, but you will have a peaceful home and show your son a good example of boundaries and how we let people treat us, and that is so important.

Thanks everyone for your messages of support. I don't want our son growing up thinking that that's how females should be treated. The police said it's time to break the cycle

You're spot on @GreenManalishi. I should let go of the fact that he's going to make an effort. I be offered him 50/50 as I feel it would be good for our son to build a better relationship with him. He's refused on the basis that it wouldn't suit his work, which speaks volumes. I accommodate my work (my employer is flexible) in order to do school run, appointments etc.

His mind honestly baffles me

Make getting counseling with an experienced therapist a priority.

@ShellsOnTheBeach I've been having counselling, I've packed it in though as it wasn't helping. I've been to a few over the years and know when it's working for me and when it's not. It's weird as I'm so much calmer since he's been gone, my anxiety is very low where as it was heightened before, it was like I was walking on eggshells

You probably were walking on eggshells.

The anger is a fairly normal part of thr post-abuse cycle. It’s when you realise how wrong things were, and how much your ex was to blame. It’s feelings that you probably suppressed for years while you were with him.

it will pass, you just need to work through it. I know you said you’d given up on counselling but that is a way to express your anger. Try to find what works for you - might be exercise, yoga, therapy or just time.

it’s a pretty healthy emotion to be feeling now - it’s part of healing.

I agree with those saying that anger is a normal response. It's totally natural to feel this way. I felt huge anger at the injustice of what went on in the end of my marriage or shld i say mirage. It did seem overwhelming in the early days/weeks but i decided if i woke up to anger i wld accept that wld be my overriding emotion for that day and just get on with it in the background if that makes sense? After a while i realised it didn't last all day as it had seemed to at points and i could manage more and more. I started to genuinely find joy and realised i was better off without that person. It is still relatively early days for you. I found walking helped me. Wishing you well and sending hugs Xx

That also depends, I guess, whether you rely on him for money or not. If he's paying you maintenance he might think he's paying you to do more. I have to pay so much maintenance to my ex-wife - far more than wraparound care would cost me - that I decided I'd treat her like an employee who had to earn her salary. I work 60-70 hours a week in my day job and her combined work and child care responsibilities are probably about the same. If I "stepped up" and started doing more of the drudge work I'd end up working 80-90 hours a week to her 40 and it wouldn't be fair. I should add that I don't really count things like school pick ups and drop offs or making the children dinner as work though, I appreciate the breaks from my desk!

You situation is slightly different but if, for example, he's doing a job with a long commute and lots of overtime and you're doing something lower paid and reliably 9-5 close to home, then it's still probably fair enough that you did/do more with the children.

His job was close to home, that's why he does school pick up. Apparently his contract has now changed and he's further away, it's all a bit convenient. I've always been financially independent, I should be able to buy him out. He's paying maintenance but that's for our son only

@BetterFuture1985 and regardless of working hours, parents are meant to meant to parent regardless of whether it's drudge work or not. That's part of having kids. Your opinions are very antiquated and reflect that of my husband. It makes me wonder why she's now your ex wife 🤨

If he's paying you maintenance he might think he's paying you to do more. I have to pay so much maintenance to my ex-wife - far more than wraparound care would cost me - that I decided I'd treat her like an employee who had to earn her salary.

Maintenance is to contribute to the costs of raising children that you decided to have, not to employ your ex partner to do your parenting for you. I can see why you’re an ex.