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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Struggling

18 replies

freedomforme · 04/12/2022 15:20

Separated from husband 3 months ago. DA (before and after separation) with police involved.

Husband has son EOW. Struggling with the weekends I don't have him. It's lonely, friends are all doing family stuff. When we were together, it was always me and our son Doug. Stuff as husband at pub or hungover. Minimal part in family life was played by him

Does anyone else feel lonely when there kids are away? I'm trying to keep busy but it's hard. I know I need to speak to Womans Aid but plucking up the courage to do so is different. I had friend over last night which was nice but it's weird being in myself, even when husband lived here I was lonely but this feels different if that makes sense. Even spending time with my son and doing stuff I feel like I'm not good enough for him

Any words of wisdom anyone?

OP posts:

rockingbird · 04/12/2022 18:40

I'm in a similar situation and finding it tough. This weekend I've tried to keep myself busy.. did some Christmas shopping and wrapping this weekend and went to the gym for a swim and steam session this morning which was actually pretty nice. I feel lost without the kids with me! Much like you they've always been with me.. H never did anything with us and worked away a fair bit. When I picked them up today the house was a mess.. he was also a mess .. no sympathy from me but it pains me to send my kids to that man. It's a tough one, your certainly not alone.

SpinningFloppa · 04/12/2022 18:41

The opposite for me as my ex isn’t involved and won’t have the children so I struggle never having a break, it’s early days for you though in time you might appreciate a little break to yourself.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 04/12/2022 19:29

It does get easier OP - and I know exactly what you mean about the loneliness. At first I just sat and felt sorry for myself but now I get into a box set or go for walks, get the house tidied while I have the chance(and enjoy it tidy lol) before my little one comes back and wrecks the place again.

It’s about finding your confidence to enjoy your own company and trust me, you need some me time.

If your friends are busy try to book in with them in advance when you know your little one will be away. Don’t be scared to do things on your own, go to the gym, cinema, shopping.

You’ll get there and will soon come to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Wishing you well.

toucancancan · 04/12/2022 20:10

Podcasts and audiobooks can help you feel like you're not alone at weekends. Sometimes even having the TV on when you are pottering about can make the house feel more occupied. I would second the advice to try and plan one activity in advance if you can, or is there any voluntary work in your area? Meet up also may have groups you can join in real life or virtually to start a hobby. It does take time to build your own new life and feel comfortable with it but over time it will get easier and your confidence will grow

Original poster

freedomforme · 04/12/2022 21:20

Thanks everyone. I honestly just lie in my bed. I don't have the energy for doing anything.

I just feel terrible, like I'm not a good enough person and mum. I don't know how to hold a conversation anymore, how to dress or even just be me. Like I don't know what's normal anymore

I do enjoy my own company, always have done as I've not had a choice. But it's different when my sons away. I'm scared to go out anywhere in case I bump into husband which would put the fear of god into me as he's still local

OP posts:

toucancancan · 04/12/2022 22:08

Oh gosh sorry to hear that. How would you be about trying to meet up with friends in your home or theirs? Is there anyone you can reach out to, to honestly to let them know how you are feeling and ask for support? Even meeting once a week for a coffee or lunch in the house, or to play board games or help go through your wardrobe to decide what still suits you, or spend the night wrapping Xmas presents together.

Original poster

freedomforme · 04/12/2022 22:36

@toucancancan thank you for replying.

I don't want to let anyone know how I feel as they think I'm ok. I don't want to be depressing and drag them down as they all have family and kids of their own. I might however ask them to come help me wrap some Xmas presents so that's a good idea, thank you.

I spoke to womans aid on the phone earlier so will give my local one a call this week.

It's honestly awful. I was crying earlier and my son started too. I feel horrible that he's not got a mum and dad staying together but equally happy that he's not seeing his mum getting screamed at anymore or dreading hearing his key turn in the door.

I just don't know how to do anything these days. I honestly wish the hours away so I can go to bed and not feel like crap

OP posts:

Toomanysleepycats · 05/12/2022 13:59

Is it possible you actually have depression. The lying in bed, and no motivation. Feeling like a terrible mum, sound more like depression than loneliness.

Can you separate out your feelings, read up online about the differences.

I love being alone, but when I had PND many years ago, I couldn’t bear to be on my own.

Im currently divorcing and I know my mental health is suffering big time.

Original poster

freedomforme · 05/12/2022 16:58

Yeah I do have depression and anxiety, take tablets for both

Will just need to ride it out. I love my own company as well, just not as much it appears when I don't have a choice in it

OP posts:

Pleasecreateausername13 · 05/12/2022 17:32

OP - look at getting some counselling. It’s helping me no end.

I think it would really benefit you.

Original poster

freedomforme · 05/12/2022 21:36

I'm having counselling as well 🙈 Honestly trying everything but it's not shifting the cloud which is brutal

OP posts:

Pleasecreateausername13 · 06/12/2022 07:02

freedomforme · 05/12/2022 21:36

I'm having counselling as well 🙈 Honestly trying everything but it's not shifting the cloud which is brutal

Could it be your counsellor isn’t for you? I had to find another as I didn’t gel well with my first one.

The second one I found has changed my life.

You will get there, you are just going through a tough spell just now but you will come out the other end.

Keep checking in here if you need some support.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/12/2022 12:05

You’re only 3 months out of an abusive relationship and adjusting to all of those changes. You need time to figure out who you are without the fear and stress.

Take time without the DC to rest, to try out things you might enjoy, to eat food you like, and to adjust emotionally to everything you’ve been through. It’s going to take time.

Original poster

freedomforme · 18/12/2022 20:40

Another weekend of lying in my bed. Have to say I enjoyed it though, it's nice to have a break.

Emotionally however, things aren't so good. I've got Womans Aid tomorrow. I honestly find no joy in anything and don't want to be around anyone. I'm dreading Xmas and it's usually my favourite time if the year.

I feel like I'm doing just the bare minimum for DS and that he has more fun at his dads than he does with me.

Sorry for the pity party, I just feel like life would be easier for everyone if I just disappeared

OP posts:

rockingbird · 19/12/2022 09:56

Hey @freedomforme I've also just had another weekend alone. It's no fun sharing your kids so I hear you! What's the appointment with WA about? Sounds like you could benefit from some counselling to help clear your head. Having just moved home I'm not feeling very Christmassy at all be trying to keep a smile on my face for the sake of the children. Are you alone this year or going to friends / family? Might be better to try and surround yourself over the festive weekend just to take the edge off. Sending hugs your way xx

figmaofmyimagination · 19/12/2022 10:09

Hey love. You’re only three months into your new life and it sounds like you’ve really been through it. Honestly, just give yourself permission to hibernate for a bit, do the bare minimum and let yourself grieve and heal.

Can you have one thing each day to do that if you achieve it, it’s a successful day? Nothing big- shower, cook a meal, walk to the end of the road and back type stuff?

You won’t feel like this forever, I promise.

username445566 · 19/12/2022 12:30

Thanks @figmaofmyimagination @rockingbird for replying

@rockingbird Just about what's happened throughout our relationship and since he left. The police have been involved and he's been cautioned for DA. He's backed right down since then which is what I wanted.

Family are coming to be for Xmas, I'm dreading it though. Family was always a big affair at in-laws, they've cut me off since police been involved though. I feel as though I'm a drain on my family so I know I won't enjoy them being here, I've distanced myself from them as I just want to be left alone.

@figmaofmyimagination yeah I'm trying to keep on top of things, anything over and above the basics is a good day for me. Day off work today however I'm still in bed. Going to get up and do some housework before school run

How do you know it won't last forever? I just feel as though it will and that I should be doing better even though things are much better without him being here

Pleasecreateausername13 · 19/12/2022 13:25

OP - it will get better, I can assure you. You have to go through every emotion possible and then one day, you will wake up and think “oh, I feel a little bit more positive about my future”
The day after that you will think the same, and given enough time you will eventually sit up and say “right enough, time to start making a new life for myself”

The majority of the users on here have gone through this at one time or another and have all come out the other side.

Don’t fight your emotions nor ask why you aren’t feeling better yet. What you are feeling is all part of healing and getting back on your feet. Embrace it.

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