Self Control

[BestSelfBlah]

Over the past two months the details of my husbands cheating have drip dropped out. Every time I learn something new I am floored again. He wants us to go to counselling and to "move forward not look back" but I can't. I'm still processing what happened and I am the sort of person who wants to know everything. However, I also recognise that this is also a little like self harm.
I need to get hold of myself and my emotions. At the moment I'm on a runaway train of hurt and reaction. It's as if my whole world has changed and I question everything. I just need to be calm and considered and for some reason I'm unable to do this.
There's one last piece of the jigsaw that I desperately need/want to find. DH insists that he was doing X and yet I have evidence to suggest he wasn't doing X but no actual evidence of what he was doing. I want to get to the bottom of it, I don't want to be still wondering about it years down the line.
How do I get a grip on myself? How do I accept that he's not going to admit to whatever he was doing?
Any advice? Anyone been here?

Do YOU want to go to counselling OP?
What do YOU want right now?

I don't know what I want to do.

On the one hand I don't want to break up our family and on the other I doubt that I'll ever be able to trust him again.

I'm hoping that the counselling will help me to work out what I do want, but in the meantime I need to get control of myself.

Counselling will help you work out what you want to do, but you are not obliged to go to counselling with your H, you could have your own counselling.
If your family breaks up that's down to his cheating though, not your response to it. Why would you blame yourself?

You aren't breaking up your family. He made that choice when he cheated on you. Get the practising in order before you separate, bank account details, passports, pensions etc. Good luck op.

The way I would expect a divorce to impact the lives of the DC is not a great prospect. It would likely entail the DC choosing to live with different parents. I don't see that as a route to happiness, but neither do I see our marriage ever being solid.

I feel negative and pessimistic about either option.

How old are the DC?

Teenagers and a little one.

You need to ask what “truth” you are seeking from him. Is it an explanation that makes you feel reassured you can stay married or what actually happened. Because right now he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear to stay married and he is sticking with that approach.

He is putting his marriage and family at risk to avoid responsibility. Don’t make the mistake of avoiding a difficult decision because you aren’t willing to believe what you already know.

Your marriage is already changed for ever and so is your family. In all likelihood it will become toxic and uncomfortable for everyone if you stay together.

Processing takes time so go with it but try not to go over & over old ground like establishing what he mysteriously was doing. What difference would the additional details make now?
The fact he wants to go for counselling is a step in the right direction & carries hope that you will get the clarity of a way forward alone or that the two of you can go forward together.

If you think it would help or be appropriate, In your shoes I would want his mobile phone & laptop to be an open book and subject to spontaneous scrutiny if you suspect there’s legacy or current affair details thereon. I’ll probably get flamed for saying this but in my experience everything needs an airing & everything needs to be transparent until you feel more secure. No more secrets.

There will come a time when you’ll start to relax & be less on guard or needing extra info and you hopefully will feel able to draw a line & move forward. You may never forgive his “sin” but you might forgive the “sinner?” Give it time if you want to keep your little family together, see how it goes but don’t be a door mat either. His actions will speak louder than words.

Meanwhile just in case, get your ducks in a row with paperwork, passports, insurance & pension fund details etc. Knowledge is power & right now it might make you feel more powerful to take some quiet contingency actions.
I feel for you as you go through this. Good luck.

You know that he had an affair. He admits that he had an affair. Will knowing when, where, what positions ,etc make a difference or somehow make it more concrete?
He probably said some things about your relationship that you might dispute. He probably told her that he loved her in many of the same ways that he said that he said that he loved you. Those things tend to be part and parcel of affairs. Knowing the particular specifics will not bring you much comfort. Repeatedly asking questions will only leave you frustrated and in unnecessary pain.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you will have to find a way to put the past behind you and work on building a better future. If you are certain that you cannot let go of this need to relive his affair, then you should let him go. You will only torture yourself by continuously playing the role of investigator.

Your children deserve parents who are at peace even if that peace means separating. Their home should not be turned into some kind of sparring space . if you cannot find your way back to a healthy relationship then you should respect each other and your children enough to part with as little acrimony as possible.