Why do I feel bad/guilty asking for a lump sum?

[Rainbowshine12]

So my ex partner and I co parent our son well, we are amicable, he has him most weekends and goes to all our son's appointments and school meetings etc
We are still married but have been separated and living apart for almost 2 years.
He is still in the family home ( he bought it before we met and my name is not on the mortgage)
I left because of his issues mainly which made me fall out of love with him. I am private renting a tiny flat that costs a ridiculous amount of money for how tiny it is.
Basically I know I'm entitled to a lump sum from the family home, and I would like to get divorced but he has always been stingy with money and I know once I start talking about money and what I am entitled to , I feel like it will really get his back up and the amicable thing we have at the minute will just go out the window. He will resent me so much if he.has to give me money.
At the same time , I want to try and get a mortgage and get somewhere better for me and my son to live and would use any money I get as a deposit.
My friend has said to not try and claim anything as it is more important to keep the amicable relationship for the sake of my son and that she doesnt think i would be entitled to much anyway as it was my ex's house before i met him. But if I do that, I will forever be in limbo and not able to progress with where I want to be for fear of upsetting my ex and destroying what is currently a good co parenting relationship.
Any advice? I'm really torn

How long were you married?

Were you married? Only asking as it might affect the settlement but really you should get legal advice. At the moment the ‘amicable’ situation seems to depend on him really short changing you and by extension his son! Can you even feel amicable about someone that would do that? Why don’t you get some legal advice first and at least know where you stand and hopefully take it from there? Sure she means well but not sure your friend’s advice is any use at all! Good luck!

@NoSquirrels we were married for 4 and half years when I left and we are still technically married.

@Mediumred yes we are technically still married , we were married for 4 and half years before I left. Yes I never thought of it that way, I don't want to be short changed, I just want what I'm owed legally. I will be seeing a couple of solicitors to get an idea of what they think I may be entitled to.
He's not stupid, surely he must know that this is coming and that I will aant to get a divorce and he must know I'm entitled to something but prob can't bear to think about the prospect of it.

I guess he has been comfortable with you asking little of him financially but it’s time to ‘lawyer up’ for you and your son. I guess it w

oops sorry, posted too soon! I think it might get rocky but hopefully you will come through it and he will realise that providing for you is also providing for his son when he isn’t with him, unless he’s a complete shit!

You take what you are due, this is for your DS’s future.
Not taking something to keep the peace is being controlled by him.

I think you probably feel bad because it was essentially his house before you were married. How much you are entitled to depends on length of marriage, earning power of both of you and division of childcare responsibilities and what assets you brought into the marriage so in your case it is not clear cut.

Have you had a discussion with him about money going forward or is he assuming you are happy to walk away with nothing? I would start with that rather than jump straight to lawyers. Do you get child maintenance from him?

I would also say that property acquired in one persons sole name prior to marriage is not considered to be the matrimonial home so this is a crucial consideration.

Avoid well-intentioned advice from friends! Some will tell you to walk away, some will say you should be taking the ex- to the cleaners. Neither being good, or accurate, advice.

Is child maintenance being paid? Are there other assets like savings, pensions, cars, as they all come into the mix. Is he a high earner?

One strategy would be to channel all divorce/finance things through a solicitor and just say that you don't really understand the law, so you're leaving it to them.

Yes it is in England. All assets are marital and will be used to meet either parties needs and entitlement if circumstances require it.

OP neither of you can properly move on in life without a divorce and financial settlement. Until the later happens, that house will never be his. That will increasingly become a risk to him. Because you will always have a claim and always own part of it.

Waiting 2 years to address this has cost you both money. The cost of borrowing has increased. House prices are falling.

The divorce process isn’t going to rob him blind. It will provide you with a bit of capital to support you as a parent to his child and to redress the financial cost of the marriage. You buying a home locally creates an anchor. That’s better for his child and his relationship with that child.

@Cornishclio yes its definitely not clear cut in our situation. I feel like he might be hoping I will walk away with nothing as I haven't mentioned about settlements or divorce yet.
He does give monthly maintenance amd it's the bare minimum he's supposed to give and I have to ask for it every month as I know he doesn't like giving it. If he's like this about maintenance , goodness knows what he's going to be like when I start talking about lump sums!

It's quite unfair he has to give you much. It was his house before you met and you were only married for 4 years and you left.

I guess it's his own fault. He got married in England to a person that has clearly no assets. That is something a smart man should not do.

@waterSpider he does have savings and a pension. I don't want to go after his pension but I def feel I am owed some sort of lump sum especially as I could easily go down the unreasonable behaviour route with why the marriage ended.

@LemonTT I don't live in England, where I'm based we have to wait 2 years separation to get a no fault divorce I could easily go down the Unreasonable behaviour route but I feel that will make things so much more difficult. That's wht I am patiently waiting till the 2 years is up which will be next Spring. In the meantime I'm going to see a couple of solicitors first and see what I'm entitled to.

@Randomperson99 we don't live in England and we also lived together before we were married. We also have a child which we are both required to provide for and make sure they have adequate housing.
Also I left as I was at breaking point with his behaviour over the years so I didnt just wake up one day and decide to leave.

You need legal advice and to get what you are entitled to - i think short marriages may be looked at differently to long marriages- you need proper legal advice from a solicitor. You may be entitled to part of pension and that should be included. Divorce can financially be hard on men but that's the choice of the legal system, there is no reason you shouldn't look after yourself and your child here. You need a reasonable divorce settlement. A solicitor will know what is reasonable.

You have a young child so need to get what you are entitled to. You can try to gandke it sensitively but it probably will sour the relationship with your co parent but you can't control that.

The unreasonable behaviour route won’t make you end up with any more money, you’re not doing him some kind of favour in not doing it. For a four year marriage and considering he owned before you met, how much do you think you’re entitled to?

You feel bad because whilst it is entirely legal, it is morally dubious and doesn't really have any place in the modern era. Divorce law is still largely stuck in the dark ages when women were expected to give up work the minute they married and become dependent on their husbands and whilst it has reformed in some areas, in others it hasn't. The trouble is that these reforms have arguably increased the moral hazard of lazy or incapable spouses as they've been largely withdrawn from industrious women whilst being extended to lazy men.

Essentially, the argument that people "give up careers" these days is largely a myth. Normally both parents in a household work. The only exceptions are where one spouse is making such a stellar contribution financially that it is possible for the other to give up work or where one spouse is making such a pathetic contribution that they might as well give up work when children come along because they earn less than the cost of childcare. So the normal outcome of a divorce is a fairly even split because both parents have a similar earning capacity. It's also normally possible for people who brought assets to a marriage to keep them, because the other spouse is perfectly capable of generating a mortgage capacity and an income to meet their own needs.

However, if one spouse has made much less effort before marriage or squandered their money, then this may not be the case. It's only in these situations nowadays where people find themselves the recipients of their divorcing spouse's assets and - in particularly unfortunate cases where the spouse is exceptionally pathetic at looking after themselves - spousal maintenance.

Thus you get cases like mine where I had to hand over most of the assets I made in my career to my ex-wife not because she made an equal contribution but because she was lazy, incompetent and incapable of meeting her own needs. I lost out not because she "gave up her career" but because she spent most of her twenties drunk or watching daytime TV whereas I built a career. Similarly, I see many cases on here of career women having to hand over a majority of their assets to heavy drinking, aggressive husbands who spent more time playing computer games than contributing as a provider or a father.

Now, I'm not saying the OP is like this, but after only 4.5 years of marriage where her ex did the lion's share of building wealth, I can still understand why she would feel awkward.

Your friend is a fucking muppet.

Go and see a solicitor with all your joint financial info and find out what you are entitled to and then put in the claim. Yes he might chuck his toys out, but he’ll get over it . It’s in your son’s and society’s interests that you are both financially stable. If he does strop, just have a standard line you trot out about you both needing to be financially stable - don’t engage beyond that.

Just get on with it - the sooner you start the sooner it will be done.

Your friend is either a financial idiot or jealous. Just don’t discuss it with her.

Maybe less of the projection?

The OP needs to claim for a payout so she can buy a house so she is financially stable. This is in the interests of her son and society. Financially unstable people aren’t able to contribute as much.

It is not morally dubious, it is the sensible thing.

She "needs" no such thing. She's proven for the last two years that she can rent. That's what most people do these days, renting is perfectly normal.

Her ability to buy a property is entirely based on an antiquated law that allows her to be dependent on an ex-partner and through no obvious contribution of her own. She's basically relying on a law that exists on the basis that she is too pathetic to look after herself like a normal adult.

100% agree. She hasn't been able to buy a property before meeting the guy. So why would she now be entitled to have one just because he had one?

I think you need to look at what you accumulated over the 4 years and ask for a chunk of that

you probably feel guilty asking for a chunk of something he had before he met you and had contributed zero to

Ok on that basis... you are saying that birthing the 'home owners child and doing the lions share of the childcare is worth no compensation from the home owner ? What antiquated bollocks.

If (God forbid) the OP had died in child birth. How much would paid baby care have cost the home owner ? Or if he gave up work to provide baby care, how would he of continued to afford the house ? All that is for free is it ?