Partner’s high conflict divorce - will it ever end?

[Letitbeasitwillbe]

Never posted on MN before so please be kind….

I’ve been with a man for a year. I love him a lot and get on well with his kids.

I can’t know what went on in his marriage (you only get one side) but when we met he was 23 months separated and yet still going through a ridiculously lengthy and expensive child access battle. He was awarded 50-50 so his ex hit back with a plan to move 100 miles away to her childhood home town. He fought this (he’d already given her the family home and agreed a generous settlement inc spousal support so the ex didn’t have money worries). But he lost and the judge said you can still have the 50-50 if you also move to this new place. So after missing the kids terribly for a few months, he did move there too. It’s only an hour’s drive from me, I wasn’t against it. I have my own kids settled into their schools in a nice community, so I wouldn’t follow, particularly so early on in a relationship.

Thing is we both thought ok it’s resolved. But now he has new struggles. I do not want to judge the ex wife who on every occasion we’ve met has been nothing but lovely to me. But DP feels she is setting him up to fail at coparenting.

For example, after ex moved she got the kids into all their extra curriculars. Horse riding, piano, craft club, stuff they love to do. Exw’s brother and sister in law live literally opposite and helped with the taxi-ing around. She’s a good mum to have arranged such a nice life for the kids near family, I think. But poss feels the need to be mean to DP after all that horrendous litigation. (If I’d known him when it started I’d have maybe advised to avoid lawyers and be generous in letting exw have a new life.)

Fast forward to DP moving to the new and area exw decrees that his access days are the days kids have literally all their activities. Play dates are arranged on weekends. Often there’s a clash. The kids are told they are doing x thing when they are at dad’s and get really sad if he cancels because he can’t physically get them to it all and back, in different locations, even with working from home. If he’s missed an event ex will message to admonish him and tell him he can’t cope.

I need to be home for my 2 kids of course so can’t always help him out, particularly with the distances involved. Mine have their long-standing weekend clubs and hobbies. My ex and I have our (respectful) to-ing and fro-ing job shares. I work full time in the week. And regarding our relationship DP’s understandably got no energy left for it really. I want both parties to see a mediator to agree sensible child arrangements and he has asked for this many times but exw is refusing. I’m so sad that all this toxicity is stealing our happiness.

What should we do? I’m loath to give him advice as I’m not very strategic and don’t know all what caused all this conflict (only DP’s side) so may get it wrong. I just see a permanent future of sadness and conflict and me wanting to help but not being able to. I suspect MN might tell me there’s no smoke without fire, it takes two to create a high conflict divorce and maybe my DP is no angel. All I’ve seen so far is a lovely man and great committed dad tho.

It dosen’t really matter how it got to this point, the question is are you prepared for it always to be this way? Over 10 years on and we have some hiatus but my husband’s x continues to create enormous amounts of stress and unhappiness. Your situation may or may no get easier, there’s a large chance it won’t, it’s a very difficult position to be in.

Congrats for getting through those ten years @Hurdling. How did you manage? Your relationship must be really strong. I try to put my needs and emotions to one side and be as supportive as possible. I feel like I don’t know how long I can do that for. Friends advise it’s unbalanced and not fair.

Why doesn't your Partner offer to take his children to their activities? There are always two sides to the story, your partner may not be being truthful to you. He may be doing his best to portray himself in a good light, whilst all the time he was with his children's Mother- it may have been him that was the one that soured their marriage.

I would also like to add, stay out of anything to do between him, his ex-wife, and their arrangements with their children. You will only end up being unpopular with all of them.

To be fair woman tend to know the children’s friends parents and do shifts for lifts - it how we make it work.

Friends ex hasn’t a clue who could pick up or drop off in an emergency let alone a weekly activity.

He needs to branch out and get to know who goes where and who can help for a return favour.

Very true, but it sounds like the father is complaining that he doesn't get to see them. He can ask his ex-wife if it is ok for him to take them to their activities sometimes.

Two things going on, one is access days being on extra curricular days, and the other is being able to get the kids to and from the activities.
If the kids do quite a few activities they are going to inevitably fall on some of his days and that’s fair. They probably have things on the days that they are with their mum too but you wouldn’t necessarily know?
I’m not sure I understand how he’s not able to get them to their activities, is it because of the timing clashing with work or do they physically clash with each other?

I just couldn't cope with all that drama. It would interest me at all. Doesn't your blood run cold when you hear him say, you'll never guess what happened today…?

Kids’ extra-curriculars are important if they are things they enjoy, help them to make new friends and integrate, and to have wide-ranging interests. Consistency is important. Presumably they are all after school hours, so could he work flexi on those days, and put in longer days when he doesn’t have them? He needs to organise a lift-share arrangement, or a part-time help who can assist a few hours a week. If next term activity days can be moved, so the load is fair between both parents, that should be looked at.

My ex-husband refused to take my two to their activities. I had to make sure I found guides, brownies, cubs, and scouts- all fell on my days which meant several club moves! . Unless it was a 'family bbq'- he managed to go then, along with his partner. My two are nearly 17 now, and they absolutely resent their father for what he has done over the years. This father needs to stop moaning about not seeing his children, and understand that they love these activities. He either gets involved or loses out -as my children's father did/has.

If your boyfriend has such an onerous work schedule seems unlikely that he was ever going to be able to have the children 50/50 so am at a bit of a loss why he insisted on it. Bemused as to the comments about play dates being arranged at the weekends and why he can’t facilitate that. Seems there is a degree of spite on his part and failure to prioritise his children. To be honest in 12 months you’ve had to listen to non-stop drama and he has moved an hour away from you. I wouldn’t be bothered with any of this, especially as you have your own children. I would concentrate on my own family and life.

It doesn’t end. My husband and his exw are still at it 10 years later.

She has secretly moved 3 times and we’ve had to take out emergency court orders every time.
I attended a telephone court hearing whilst in labour. I bit down on a tea towel when contractions came.
I travelled 200 miles to another court hearing to support my husband, and missed my own daughter’s first steps.
She called social services because I gave her daughter a packet of panty liners.
She called the police on our wedding day because we’d swapped weekends but she pretended we’d kidnapped them.
She called passport control whilst we were abroad and reported the children’s passports as stolen. That was fun explaining in the airport at 12am.
She put a recording device into one of the children’s backpacks.

I love the bones of my husband but I wouldn’t choose this life again.

It really depends how excessive these activities are and whether the children actually want to do them.

50/50 isn't Disney weekend parenting, it's real life. So activities, parties and play dates are part and parcel or parenting.

If he isn't available to do pick ups then on his time he has to make arrangements for that just like his ex would.

Childminder or family member or another parent at the activity.

Now, if this truly is a deliberate attempt to disrupt his time with them then his only options are negotiate, ask again for mediation or go back to court.

As for you, I'd probably get out now tbh. It sounds like it might be tricky. You're an hour away from each other with your own kids and complex arrangements.

@maroonhaze i agree with you about the activities. It feels a bit too convenient that he got all the busy days but you’re right that it’s up to him to either renegotiate or find support. The undermining by exw that he can’t cope is also sth that won’t change. She’s bound to be upset and missing the children - as far as I can tell exw was always the primary parent, gave up career to do this job and has now lost time with the kids after having lost her job and her marriage. I think he has to man up and also have more empathy for this exw. As other posters have said 50-50 takes a lot of effort on both sides. He’s not going to catch a break from the exw on anything and he should be prepared and organised for this.

I think I’m going to have to support him as best I can but without taking it all on. I want him to develop the organising skills he never had to when exw was running the home and kids’ lives. I’m determined to have as much empathy for all concerned rather than being one of those women who blames the exw for everything.

Yes, that’s exactly how I feel.

It sounds complicated. Your partner needs to work their own situation out though with his ex. Nothing to be gained by you getting involved, try to stay focused on your own life. Just because someone is a mother does not mean that they are not capable of manipulation etc and if your partner is feeling a certain way it's doubtful if its all in his head. If things are bitter, it is possible that the ex may simply not want the father in the picture anymore or is trying to exert control and power over him. Not every mother puts their lids first, although most would.

Whatever is going on, you are never going to know the mother's motivations so the best you can do is emotionally support your partner (i wouldn't put any physical effort in to ferrying the kids anywhere) and focus on your own life.

If no compromise can be made, it may be ultimately that your partner decides for his own wellbeing and mental health to see the kids way less often. Whatever happens, all you can do is try to support your partner.

Thank you @Potluck22 for the kind message. As you say all I can do is offer as much support as I can.

How old are your own children? They’d benefit more from your time than a middle aged man that can’t/can’t be bothered to make sensible arrangements. I bet he has great organisational skills at work! Tbh you sound like you’ve painted on a veneer of ‘empathy’ for the benefit of your post but with all the talk of the ex wife ‘undermining’ your boyfriend sounds very much like you aren’t as neutral as you would like to project. If you continue to involve yourself in this you’ll end up liaising with the ex and organising this man’s life. Personally I would run a mile. Focus on your own family. If he is interested in you as more than a helper he’ll make sure he stays in your life.

Good God, this ex sounds unhinged.

He should reconsider 50/50 if his working schedule doesn't allow for it.

You should reconsider the relationship.