I divorced last year on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. We were married for 30 years
we were amicable because we choose to put our feeling to one side for the sake of keeping cost of divorce to a minimum and to complete it quickly.
we remain amicable, but happily very distant, because we choose to be able to attend family gatherings together without it being awkward for our sons
in terms of getting consent order and making sure everything is fully disclosed, go to the link MN has provided at the top of the page to ADVICE NOW.
These guides cost around £20 to download. You will need the divorce process one and the one on so it yourself financial agreement . The guides are written by English solicitor charity and walk through process, how the marriage act works in terms of what the courts consider “fair settlement” ( NB 50:50 is not the starting point most people think- it often ends that way. The courts base “fair settlement” on the 10 or so criteria given in marriage act ). The courts have a duty of care to apply “fair settlement” even if just “sealing” your consent order . They also have a duty to ensure full financial disclosure has been made by both parties, and that you understand what you are signing.
The ADVICE NOW guides tell you the step by step process, forms to use (form E and D81), they tell you what bits you must use a solicitor for, what you may want a solicitor for, and what you certainly don’t need a solicitor for.
I found these guides, downloaded and then passed a copy to my ex. We read through in our own time. We then sat together and ran through process to agree what we’d use solicitors for, and which of us would initiate that. We also agreed to do our Form E and D81 together (we had shared finances anyway), how we’d get our pensions valued, house valued etc.
it allowed us to determine in our own space and time the likely outcome if we went to mediation or, god forbid, fought it all the way to courts. In the end, you’d probably not end up with anything different going the full legal adversirial route unless you are extremely wealthy. The extra maybe £10k you maybe would get would be burnt through easily by legal fees . By going though by ourselves, it allowed us time to adjust to the fact we’d both be poorer, and let us define what we’d compromise on vs what we wouldn’t and why. It made the job of discssuing it together much easier then.
I can’t praise these guides enough. The government web site for divorce is also extremely well designed and written- use the guides for each form.
our divorce cost us £1400 inc vat in total . That included solicitor costs for consent order draft (writing our draft and decisions into a legal speak document for the courts), plus ex’s 1 hour with solicitor so we could confirm to courts that he’d also taken legal advice. We just split this between us.
our divorce took 11 weeks from petition to decree final and consent order sealed . Ok, you can’t do it that fast now since law changed to a min of 26weeks, but point is we had no delays as we worked amicably to ensure we minimised costs, time and stress.
I am still having psycho therapy for the “unreasonable behaviour “ he subjected me to for many years of our marriage. It impacted my own mental health. I am worse off than I was, despite contributing financially way more than him (he didn’t work the past 15 years of our marriage). However, over time I will adjust to that. Parking those issues, and doing everything to remain calm, dispassionate, logical, practical through our divorce settlement was worth it in terms of getting it done and being able to continue to have good relationships with my dc .