How do I leave my husband?

[Alwaysrosey]

Sounds like a stupid question, I know, but I could really do with some advice on this…

We have been married for almost 15 years (together 19) and have 2 children 13 & 11. We own our home (mortgaged but decent amount of equity in it)

The background - we have always had ‘some’ issues, mainly to do with his drinking (more so the person he turns into when he drinks - arrogant, selfish, embarrassing, does stupid things, has no control over his actions - the list could go on much longer) he then spends the weekend hungover in bed - totally irresponsible whilst drinking and the day or two following too.

I am 37 and feel like my life is already over. We do nothing, go nowhere - on the very rare occasion we go out I’m on edge the whole time in case he drinks too much and makes a show of himself (and then when we get home I can’t relax or even sleep as I have to watch him to make sure he doesn’t try to pee in the wardrobe or the corner of the room or go into the kids rooms etc) He ruins any family do’s, weddings, holidays… I can’t bring myself to book anything or plan anything where alcohol might be involved anymore.

I think I’ve finally realised things are never going to change. We have the same argument over and over again and nothing changes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s generally fine Monday to Thursday and most of the time can be a decent guy, but he’s like another person at the weekends and I can’t imagine this being the pattern for the rest of mine and my children’s life.

If I tell him it’s over, what happens with the house and the kids? I really feel like I can’t live with him any longer and I’ve been miserable for over a year (if I’m honest with myself it’s actually a lot lot longer)

I’ve suggested in the past we live apart to see if we can be happier, but he refuses to move out even on a trial basis (and it is both our home, so I do understand this) however if I move out he won’t keep the house clean, go shopping, cook or look after the kids and pets properly, which is why I think it would easier for him to move out rather than for me, 2 kids and 6 pets to move out.

Selling the house and going our separate ways could be an option but even though there is equity in the house, to buy again, or even to rent in the current climate would make us both so much worse off, so financially this doesn’t feel like it makes sense.

I feel so trapped :( any advice would be much appreciated

I don’t think I’m explaining this right or you’re just not understanding me 🙈 If either of us stay in the family home, neither of us have the money right off to pay the other what they are due in assets - we have no big savings so the money is tied up in the house, so what I mean by pay him whenever possible is exactly that and if I left it would be the same for him to pay me when possible. I wouldn’t walk out tomorrow and demand he give me half the equity in the house, this is not reality!

And when I say this is something I have to look into I mean, how I can get the money to pay him what he is due if that wasn’t clear!

Also I don’t understand what you mean by ‘it’s none of my business what he does with his money after the divorce’ what have I said to do with this in any way??

LemonTT means his share of equity is tied up in the house - posdiblybfid years impacting his ability to buy and house himself ( and kids if he does actually have them)
this referred to as a mesher order. These are usually only granted in circumstances where that is literally the only option to house children and are generally not favoured

yiu will have to pay the mortgage and bills and thdn at some point ( eg when youngest 18) sell /buy him out his share based on house value at that time - you’ll be older, less years to raise mortgage and kids will most likely still need to be housed.l but as they’re 18 won’t be considered

he will have his ability to buy severely impacted as his capital is tied up and his mortgage raising capability significantly reduced

it really just kicks the can down the road

it also does not allow financial independence- you want separation but want him to walk out., allow you remain in the house while keeping all his money tied to you …. That’s not separation

courts can and do order the fmh to be sold and money split straight away

I want him to walk away and for me to buy him out, I’m just not sure how I can do this yet as I haven’t spoken to any financial advisors or solicitors or anything as yet - if it turns out it’s not possible then other avenues will need to be explored, obviously.
I don’t know how I’m not making that clear or am I not understanding what you guys are saying? Sorry if I’m misunderstanding, I’m on the verge of getting diagnosed autism & adhd at the grand age of 37 so I know sometimes my understanding of things isn’t always right and I can take things literally…

OP most people expect their share of the equity pdq after they move out. As Milly says legally that can be deferred under specific circumstances when it is the only option to house kids. Not when it is your preferred option and he doesn’t agree.

I completely understand why you want a drinker out of your life. But unfortunately unless you can afford to buy him out, your life will have to change. Maybe his life will change for the better or for the worse. However you need to be realistic about what you can achieve. There is no upside to have someone you have no relationship with or a bad relationship with owning half your home. Especially if that person has the potential to screw up their life financially and therefore your life.

Hello lovely.
I feel for you, its hard when you reach this point and you know you want to leave. The divorce process itself is now very straight forward, you can do this bit online on the .gov website and you dont need a solicitor to do this part. However you will need a solicitor to help you draft the financial and child arrangements which will happen as you progress. This bit it the tricky bit really as it's hard to agree on these things even if you think you can both be reasonable- divorce and the prospect of life changing so significantly, losing the family home etc can bring out the worst in all of us. Before you do anything there are some things that will help you immensely as you progress. First get some free legal advice, lots of places will give half hour free legal advice to explain the basics of what you will need to do or can expect. Def find somewhere to do this with you- it's usually over the phone. Before you talk to your husband about divorce understand your finances- really understand them. What assets, money, bank accounts do you have where both individually and jointly. Try to collate all the details of account numbers, values, assets and keep these to hand fornyou solicitor
Some of this may become difficult to access as you go forwards if your husband suddenly becomes obstructive in the process. Knowing your financial reality is really important. Can you get a mortgage on your own, do an agreement in principle online to find out roughly how much you could borrow etc what would your monthly budget look like? How can you support yourself? . Don't assume he will be cooperative re family home. My husband refused to let me and the kids stay in ours despite being unable to afford to stay there himself and even though it would have been better for the children (I provide all care for them and also work full time with a higher salary than him). To force him out would mean a long and v costly court battle which whilst I'm confident I would have won, would have eroded our relationship even further and spent 10s of 1000s of our assets in the process- so know your options and be open to alternatives. Once you are clear in your head you need to start to set aside some money and I would try and build up some savings to pay for the divorce application (£593 if you do yourself) and then legal advice (sooooo much £££££). Legal costs really do build up fast and you have to pay as you go- you won't be able to pay at the end out of your settlement. Then there are a couple of basic options: a) he stays in the house and buys you out, b) you stay in the house and buy him out c) you sell and split the assets and both buy/rent somewhere new. Don't assume you will keep the children. He may want them as much as 50% of the time and unless there are real safe guarding risks to this that can be evidenced, he will be supported on this.
Finally, your relationship with him and how well you can preserve it and work together through some of this will be THE single most important factor in terms of how this goes. Try your best to agree some of this With him once you are ready to proceed as it willcost you lessbthan arguing over it. Even if u think you've communicated to him before that he needs to change etc, he most likely won't see this coming and you will need to let his mind/heart catch up with this. You have processed this and come to this decision already and I wd imagine will be quite practical now in making this happen. He likely won't be and when people are caught off guard they can be hurt, defensive, obstructive....try your best to be kind but stick to your guns. Compromise on somenthings will be really key. Good luck! And sending you hugs. This will be hard even tho it's what you want. It will be worth it tho and your next chapter in life will be better x

Grew up with an alcoholic prick who have no contact with as so abusive but also know alot of big drinkers who have hidden reasons why. Absolutely no excuse and wouldn't disclose what I know.

However I did leave an ex with a child..not due to alcohol but its not simple. How much equity do you have? Will you do 50 50? What do you both earn? Where will he live and have kids if he leaves and sees them. How old are the children?

Gingerbread’s housing advice might be useful. They also have a helpline (which is busy - keep trying).