How do you know it’s time to break up? :(

[Ashy123]

Me and my husband have been together for 11 years, we have went from arguing maybe once per year to arguing once per week since having our little girl who is now 2 years old. I should also mention I am pregnant with baby number 2. He is very lazy around the house as in he doesn’t do dishes/washings/clean up anything of the sort. He is also lazy when it comes to our toddler too as in he doesn’t make dinners/change nappies/do drop offs and picks just everything. So I’m the one doing everything while working full time with my own business paying all the bills and on top being pregnant. He argues I’m not affectionate enough towards him and I explained to him im just not in the mood after a long day of literally doing everything and if he helped out more I wouldn’t be so exhausted and would naturally feel more affectionate towards him. We have had this conversation maybe 10 times and for a week maximum it all goes smoothly but then quickly reverts back to the same old routine and I’m just generally wondering if I’m doing everything myself already am I better off being myself? I love him when he’s in a good mood but hate him when he’s in a bad mood which these days 80% of the time. I don’t want to give up on 11 years but if it means having a happier 30+ years I think I might need to :( I feel bad for my kids not having there dad around the house and especially before the 2nd is even born :(

I don't know what the right time is. There's some stuff you can put up with and some you can't. I first realised that my marriage was doomed nearly a decade ago, but put up with it another year and another year and another year as I didn't want to expose the children to conflict.

I am at the same point as you now, having had a 'I think that was the last straw' moment this morning. The dc are older now, but I worry a lot about what divorce would do to their educational progress as I have one in an exam year.

The right time for me was when I started to actually visualise what life for me would consist of after divorce. For that I need to know what my financial circumstances would likely be, where I’d live, how I’d live etc. To do that I started to read up on divorce process, I used the ADVICE NOW guides that MN has put a link to at top of the page now. Yes, it was a hard read, and hard to realise I’d be poorer, there’d be no compensation for how my husband treated me, etc etc. but I gradually began to visualise what it would mean and the fear of splitting up got less

Then around that time, I also talked to a very close friend . I said to the, to not discuss with anyone, because I hadn’t fully decided, but was able to then go through what had happened and why I was thinking of leaving. This person had had a very amicable divorce years before, which they readily admitted was their fault, and had known me most of my life. They listened, mirrored back what I was saying. Saying it out loud to someone else was the last step I needed to acknowledge that the marriage was over and I needed to take action .

it takes time. Fear of the unknown will hold you back, so arm yourself with knowledge and visualise your future. Only when you get to that point will you know if, on balance, It is the right thing for you. .

I think if you can see a better future without him, that means it's worth considering. We tend to cling to safety, so if we persistently imagine the opposite there must be a really good reason for it.

For me, I keep moving the goal posts. When I reach my last straw, I think it’s not really that bad, that it must be worse than this to actually end it. I think I do this as a sort of survival technique.
I’m far better off financially with him, but every day I dream of ending it, in fact several times every day. I sometimes feel that I’m going mad with it, I wake up in the night having conversations in my head with him, yet in reality we don’t speak.

It sounds to me like you need to get rid of this lazy sponger now. I had one of those and my life is a dream now I'm rid of him.

P.S We were married for 20 years - I should have got rid of him after the first 2. It just got worse and worse.

You've got a manchild.

Get rid of him. He sounds insufferable.

I do this too. My husband has been cheating on me with anyone he can and yet I still can't bear to leave him. It's just fear if the other side and when I think about what divorce would mean it's like looking into the abyss.

My circumstances were similar but my ex didn’t step up even when I really needed him e.g wouldn’t wake up for our toddler even when I was pregnant and had a fever. For me I started thinking about what a happy marriage would look like and what we had was so far from that that I couldn’t see any way to get there, particularly as there was no desire to change on my ex’s side. He told me at one point that the children aren’t his priority and I couldn’t really see any way back from that. I couldn’t imagine ignoring my children and letting someone I loved run round cooking and cleaning for me without reciprocating and ended up unable to respect someone who would do that.

There was also an affair and a load of really hurtful stuff he did but I actually might have been able to forgive that had I felt the relationship was worth fighting for. I think a man failing to parent and putting all the work of that and the house onto the woman can be every bit as damaging to a relationship as infidelity.

But divorce and being a single parent are hard and not something to do lightly (though it is amazing not having to factor your ex into your decisions or clean up after them).

@Ashy123 i had to scroll back up to check i hadn't written that myself. I live in a very similar relationship. It was the same when our kids were young like yours and fast forward and they're teenagers and so resentful of the way hubbie treats me and them.
Honestly if you're thinking like this now, it probably is the right thing to do. Looking at our kids now, i wish i hadn't stayed this long

Wishing you so much luck and calmness

It's hard decision. I was close to it even still pregnant with our only child. He is 9 now and I am still here. Not long though. I feel guilty as he is not abusive (minus excess sarcasm); doesn't drink, swear or cheat. But doesn't do much else either. I tried talking, praise, sex as reward, nothing encouraged him to fight for more. Maybe if he was great father to our boy I would stay for him but he does nothing for little man. I taught him everything dad should teach his son so far, bike, swimming, badminton, board games, football itp... he does nothing. Will be better after a fight about it for 5 minutes or for show when guests are in the house and then back to nothing and barking. No will, no consistency,no drive... doon - no wife :)
Reainteresting articles about Walkaway Wife Syndrome. Helped me understand me better.
Good luck in search for happiness. :)