Mediation and financial settlement

[Workermum]

My husband and I separated in the summer when I discovered he was having an affair, and we have now begun the divorce process. The separation hit me really hard and it’s taken me months to get my anxiety under control and be able to think about how we move forward separately.
I find the ex very intimidating as he has controlled me for years, and I feel like he has tried to control everything we’ve agreed so far. I would’ve been comfortable with him seeing the children every other weekend and 2 days the other week, for example, but he has insisted on having them 3 days every week which is upsetting the children as is not what they want.
He’s refused to pay child maintenance since he left the family home, and is now furious that I have gone to the CMS, and he is now saying he’s taking 50/50 custody of the kids so won’t have to pay anything. This will kill me- I cannot be without them that much and they would be desperately unhappy with him- he works long hours, doesn’t cook, cares only about himself.
He is saying that he is going to force the sale of the family home where me and the kids live and has booked an appraisal for this weekend.
Because of how he’s been over every aspect of the separation I’m Terrified that he’s going to squash me when it come to the financial settlement, and that me and the kids are going to have to live to a cheaper area and move schools. He’s suggested mediation but I’m so overwhelmed by everything I just don’t know what that would mean for me. I feel so alone and would be scared that he’d just walk all over me if there’s no one there to stand up for me. Has anyone used the mediation process? How does the financial bit work? For example will the mediator suggest a % split of assets, or should my solicitor do this? I’m so confused by everything so any help appreciated :(

Op, clicks on link above formADVICE NOW guides that MN have put there
yes, they do cost to download, but a solicitor will charge £200+to get same advice
you need to download financial settlement one (English and Welsh law- don’t know if Scotland has a similar chiarty that produces these)

How old are the kids? Over a certain age their wishes will be taken into account when it comes to custody but below that the starting point is 50/50 whether they like it or not unfortunately

The finances side everyone will tell you starting point is 50/50 but so many factors involved in that and ultimately where you end up

If the kids are old enough their views will be taken into account.

Mediation is also not recommended where there is abuse. Talk to your solicitor.

Thanks for the replies. The kids are 9 and 11. My solicitor had recommended mediation initially but the harassment and intimidation has increased since then. Not sure now if it's the right route. Going back to the solicitor next week.

Men spout all sorts of bollocks during divorce. If they could rationally negociate you wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place. This is the worst part op. It's brutal. They'll pull all the dickish moves. What helped me was seeing a great lawyer and learning he can't just cut you adrift. Mediation is usually a waste of money. The court will make sure you get a fair settlement.

Honestly he won't really want the kids 59% of the time if he works long hours. Will he rush home to do the school run.
I'd pretend to consider it and suggest potential days and see how he reacts
He'll run a mile.

@Crazycrazylady that is a very risky strategy. What if he just decides to go part-time and have the kids 50/50. I know someone it happened to. She is devastated about not seeing her kids half the time, and because his salary is so low now, he'll get half the value of the house when it's sold.

Thanks @splatfrog yeah I think he's just determined to screw me over at every opportunity.

I've decided to drop the CMS case. It's too hard dealing with constant texts from him telling me to drop it and threatening me. Feel so flat today. Please someone tell me this gets easier!

@Workermum I'm so sorry your ex is so intimidating.

Mine can be a real bully and there was history of emotional and financial abuse. He never wanted to do anything with the kids when we were together but now he wants to see then as much as possible and I worry he too will push for 50/50 which would be awful for the kids (his treatment of the children was the reason I left him as they were really suffering) . We have started mediation and I was so worried I would be railroaded into agreeing with his demands. In the end he agreed to every other weekend and seeing them once in the week but straight after mediation decided he had never agreed to it and I started getting abusive texts, him yelling at me, telling the kids lies about me... Personally I can't see the point in mediation if one party is unreasonable/abusive. I feel like I am throwing money away and the mediator was pushing for more overnights for the kids with him as he came across so well at mediation, he seemed so rational & calm. He had clearly been coached by someone abiut what to say. The kids are struggling with overnights (overnights started after mediation) and it had been so unsettling for him. I feel at though it is all for ex's benefit not for the kids.

We haven't got to the financial side yet, we are currently compiling all information ready to swap. Again I am dreading mediation and feel I am just throwing money away as this will most likely go to court unless I immediately agree to seek the house and for an equal split.

Please don't feel intimidated about cms. Is he giving you nothing towards the children's costs? My ex is paying cms but then tells everyone, including the children, that he can't afford anything now at he gives me all his money.

@NeedSleepNow your ex sounds so similar to mine. I've even had police take his side when he's assaulted me because he's so calm and rational when he speaks.
He's paying nothing at all towards the children and has created a spreadsheet of all his outgoings which he says proves that he can't afford to pay anything. He told me if I don't drop the CMS case he's going to show the spreadsheet to the kids to explain to them why he can't afford to do anything with them because their mum is dead set on financially ruining him. He earns double what I do so this is all a fabrication.