Husband is leaving me.

[butterflyandbees]

New to mumsnet, posted previously under relationships. I wondered if there are any other people on here who are divorcing who don't want to. My husband after 16 years wants to leave me. He is still in the house, but refuses to discuss relationship, he says he wants to move out and be alone, does not even want to take one of our cats. If I try and discuss the relationship, he now gets angry and threatens to leave me with all the mess of sorting everything out.

At the moment he is signing house over to me and keeping business. I really ache inside when I look at him, I still love him so much and am in such emotional pain at the thought of this being over. No children involved, although I would like to foster very much. Any one else going though similar.

Hi, OP.

How awful for you. Please do not let him fob you off. You are entitled to 50 % of everything. Don't let him try and twist things so that you are the one ending up disadvantaged.

Hi OP,

That’s awful, and I totally understand what you are going through.
As the PP above has said you are entitled to 50%, do not agree to anything without speaking to a solicitor first.

It will be hard because you are still in the house together but trust me once you have some time on your own you will start to feel better and start to look forward to your own future.

In the meantime, don’t engage with him, start to go out and do things. Show him you are moving on and are not sitting at home pining for him.
It will ache, it will hurt and you will just want to be near him but drag yourself out, get some time just doing things for you. You’ll come out the other side.

sorry to hear this its awful I know. My dp and I are discussing separation and although mutual, im devastated its happening, particularly as we have a child. I am already divorced so this is my second major relationship ending.

please get legal advice asap before you agree anything with him.

A poster shared this with me I thought it quite good.beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Thank you again for support, the beautiful mess is a list of all the mistakes I have made. How can someone say they don't feel loved by you when you absolutely adore them and have worked hard to help them make a success of their business. He says he doesn't love me because he can't feel love from me. I am such a mess and appreciate the hand holding on here.

What is he on about?

Anyway, if you’ve supported him in the business you’d be entitled to a share of that too. Go speak to a solicitor. Don’t sign anything without advice. He’ll try to pull a fast one in you. You bay love him and not want to divorce him, but he’s made his decision, it’s time to get angry and protect yourself.

Sorry you are hurting, but you must now turn as others have said to the practical aspects.

Please get some legal advice and do not make any decisions without chatting it through with someone. You must remember that he is looking after himself now and his own interests, not yours. You need to protect yourself

Sorry to keep going on about this but I really do appreciate the support. I see most women going through divorce have had a really tough time with their marriage and were ok with splitting. Until Saturday I believed our marriage to be a strong and contented partnership. He is now saying he is fed up because I have had anxiety and he does not like sex or want a sexual relationship. I knew he was not that interested from the off, but he never said he disliked sex. Suddenly there is a barrage of cruel words from someone who has always been loving and kind, I just can't understand such a sudden change, the anger and resentment towards me is so out of character in every way. There has been no affairs/drugs/alcohol in our lives, just this complete and total personality change.
How does anyone cope with divorce when they simply don't want it. I don't have a big support network and can't drain the few friends I have, yet I feel so lonely and scared sitting here while he works in the other room. I just want someone to hold me and make me safe, the person who did that now seems to hate me.

Its a horrible feeling isnt it when the person who is hurting you is the person you’d naturally turn to when hurting…

he is trying to rewrite your history by making it sound bad or unhappy to make himself feel better

you just have to take each day at a time.

do not let him do you over re the finances you must get legal advice to protect yourself.

Support is here

My guess is that there is someone else, female or male. That's what is usually behind sudden changes in personality. His decision seems swift to you and out of the blue, but he will probably have thought about it for some time. Get a solicitor right away.

People also sometimes change in personality due to brain tumours. If he has a sensible moment, you might want to suggest he talks to a GP about his behaviour. But, even if that is the case, you don't have to take responsibility for him. He's made his position clear.

You must be reeling. Its such a huge shock and its worse that he's in the house and you can't even process it in peace.
Be kind to yourself. It is not your fault.
I'm sure your friends and family would let them lean on them at times like this. Have you told anyone in RL? That's what friends are for.
The sudden complete change of behaviour is suspicious, there must be something or someone behind it but try not to obsess and protect yourself, sadly he is no longer on your side.
Please listen to all the advice about not agreeing/ signing anything without getting professional advice. You will be entitled to ( and deserve) 50% of everything so get copies of all financial records etc.
Tell your H to move out ASAP.
Im so sorry you are hurting so much right now, you will get through this but it will take time.

Thank you again for such great advice, I have suggested he see GP, but that didn't go down well, nor did the suggestion of relate. I have an appointment for legal advice, but worried about finances, as everyone in this situation usually is. I have a few friends but am scared of wearing out their welcome and no family as I come from a very difficult background regarding family. We had booked a hotel in Devon over xmas, rather than lose the large deposit I am going alone with a pile of books.

How are you, OP?

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement

To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079
When splitting the assets of a marriage…
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25 applies
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is taken into account. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged. If after Form E there is missing information / evidence Questionnaires may be exchanged to retrieve it and if still missing after that Deficiencies are exchanged. A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information evidence. A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / evidence / valuations that is missing / essential.

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Legal advice should be sought.
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct
Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Hi

Thank you so much for asking how I am doing and for all the fantastic information, we are much further forward in that we agreed I would give him back my half of our joint business and in exchange he has given me his half of our home and I have re-mortgaged in my sole name for a cheaper deal.

My solicitor has the TR1 form to remove him from the land registry. His house is being exchanged next week as he is free from our joint mortgage and can finalise and complete in the next week or so, he plans to move on Feb 16th, We agreed a settlement where we are not able to touch each others properties, or any savings, pension plans or be responsible for each other's debts, I am getting a leasehold car as part of my "redundancy🙄 package".

Now all has gone as he wants it to go, he is not being so verbally aggressive with me. I have found extra work, cleaning in a hotel and a couple of days in a shop as well as my private cleaning, so hopefully although money will be very tight, I can pay my mortgage and just about manage.

As for divorce, I am doing nothing, but have agreed to sign the papers if he wants to go ahead and divorce me, there will be nothing to negotiate it can be done if this is what he wants.

Practically, I am doing all things possible to make the process smooth, I have got all household bills in my name, sorted out council tax single person discount, as I work zero hour contracts, I am possibly eligible for some top up credits, depending on my hours each week.

Emotionally, I am still in shock that he could do this without showing any emotions, except anger. I have taken off rings and replaced them with a spinner ring as my hand did feel strange without them. I am going to sell any jewellery he bought me. I know the shock will hit me when he finally leaves, as I am in a rural village and it will be very quiet and lonely. I will be glad to be rid of the stress of endless paperwork and bill sorting, solicitors and financial advisors. I have lost all trust in men and relationships as everyone thought he loved me so much, he could certainly put on a great performance as the loving and caring husband.

This may sound unintentionally harsh but you say no affairs? How do you know? Why would he resent you otherwise. Sounds like he has someone waiting in the wings to me.
Regardless, you deserve more. See a good solicitor - make sure they are good. Female - they are tougher. Get what you deserve.
most of all, go out and have fun. You can go to cinema alone, join a new club, loads of local community groups you can get involved in. Get busy and you’ll get happy I promise.