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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Please help I'm losing everything

6 replies

vileta · 16/11/2022 00:53

DH has major depression and anxiety issues, he recently stopped drinking because I said that's enough. He's successful at work won't do anything around the house. We have a 2 year old son. There were episodes of DH shouting at me and being delusional thinking I cheated when this has never happened. I though it was because of his drinking. But now when he stopped he can still be vile. He had smashed the door the other day and that scared our son. That was the last straw and I said we have to split up. He agrees. I was initially so thrilled about it and now I realize I won't be able to afford mortgage and nursery fees.. I work 4 days a week earning £1500 a month, he earns £3600. Now he wants 50/50 childcare but I don't think this is best for our son he's so attached to me he won't fall asleep without me and only wants me at night. It breaks my heart thinking I will lose him for 50% of the time, he'll have to live in two houses, that I won't afford a mortgage, I don't have any relatives to inherit anything so will have to rent all my life I guess. We have debts for car loan and when we sell the house we'll probably have £40 000 after all tax, etc. Can I mediate childcare? I don't care about the money I just want my baby with me.. am I selfish? I was in denial phase and now at bargaining. Shall I spend all I have on solicitors to get better childcare arrangement? I would happily agree on every other weekend. Although DH was violent to me smashing furniture and calling me names and being delusional thinking I looked him in the eye and smiled when that didn't happen I know he loves DS and apart of that one incident he always tries his best around him. I don't think he'll shout or be snappy with DS I think he'll try to be the best dad he can. However I also don't want my 2yo to spend time away from me and not being able to tell me if anything happened because he is too young to talk. How on earth do I navigate all of this?? I feel like in one night I lost a house, a future, and a child

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 01:00

He’s violent. Report him. Every time. Do you have a text message trail of abusive behaviour? See a solicitor. His desire for 50/50 is to avoid cm not because he wants his kid. He can’t be trusted with his kid until he has been to therapy and is in control and accountable for his behaviour.

vileta · 16/11/2022 01:30

@Fraaahnces I've got videos of him being violent and delusional. I know he truly wants to see his son, I don't think long term he could care for his as good as I because of his depression. I wonder how can I make sure he can only have him when he gets signed off from GP

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 11:11

You need to see a lawyer first.

Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 21:16

Then stop trying to protect him and start protecting your child and yourself. Tell him to go.

newtb · 16/11/2022 21:38

Paranoïa is part of alcoholism. My ex accused me of all sorts.

SnackyOnassis · 16/11/2022 21:48

I'm not an authority, but I'm sure if you're going down a custody battle route, if you have police reports of when he has been violent it will help to evidence that he's not going to be a suitable candidate for 50/50 maintenance.
You need to start documenting every single incident of violence and intimidation, and actually when you review them, it might help you to determine that actually this person shouldn't have ANY unsupervised access to a vulnerable child. Maybe he hasn't been violent with them yet, but you're there as an easier target. What happens when you're not around and your child is alone with him, who's going to distract him?
Sounds like you've taken a great first step in deciding to split, but I think you might need to get angry now to power you through. Good luck, OP.

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