DC movements / Mediation

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

Dh ended things recently. Since found out there’s someone else, although still denied to a point (emotional relationship, not together ‘yet’). I’m not in a good place but getting through day by day and go back and forth with being angry as fuck to practical.

We've agreed to use a mediation service to agree about our dc, house, money etc and we both agreed dc number one priority. I’m worried by mediation - not because I don’t think it’ll work, but because its all too quick for me, I’m not ready to agree anything forever, maybe temporary - this is raw and new to me, he’s clearly been checked out longer.

Will mediation slow things down? Can you get temporary agreements?

I go from wanting full custody/ 60:40/70:30, to thinking that’s not a good idea for DC, or practically for me either but selfishly, I miss our dc when they’re not here (as we’re doing now as we’ve amicably managed to set a rota each week and it’s more or less working out every other night with each other). I hate him for doing this and breaking up our family and now I’ve got to make decisions without messing up my own dc’s opinion on their dad.

I need to understand how sharing DC this will work practically.

We both work full time and are going to have to work together because our jobs are full on - so interested to hear how you do it? How’s the split, and what works for you? What wouldn’t you do (tried but didn’t work)?

Any advice on sharing dc or mediation would be gratefully received.

Bump

How old are the children? Can they have any input ?

Wouldn't every other night be exhausting for the DC long-term? How old are they?

Every other night sounds terrible fir dc
they need longer periods

how old are they ?

generally younger will want stability, routine, etc while older and teens will want less rigid, more flexible

but don’t make then chop and change houses constantly

think about what clubs they may do as well as keeping these are important
.

My DD was 5 when we split. Right from the beginning we did 50/50 doing a week on / Week off arrangement. Change over was Friday nights. It was tremendously hard at first, but I think it was the right thing to do for DD. She stayed at the same school and childminder, I moved out of the marital home back to my parents which was near to my sister and my DDs cousins, so it was still a familiar place to her.
On a practical note, it meant that the week she was at her dads I could really focus on my work, I then had a weekend to socialise if I wanted to. The week she was with me I was able to leave work earlier and arrive later so she wasn’t at wrap around care for too long each day. On the Friday, I would collect all her stuff from the exs house so I had everything she needed for the following week. If we forgot anything, he would drop it at the childminders for me to collect. We didn’t see each other in person much, the childminder acted as a bit of a go between.
Main school holidays were split but if I recall half terms just continued as part of the regular arrangements. In the summer hols we each had her for 2 weeks to go on holiday and return from holiday the week on / off arrangement would continue. If either of us had something we had to attend on our week with her, we would use family to babysit rather than her going back to the other parent for the night.
Christmas / birthdays were spent alternating. So Xmas Eve to Boxing Day morning with me, Boxing Day afternoon to NYE day with him, NYE night to 2nd January back with me. When it was his turn to have her for Xmas, my family would have their family get together on Boxing Day (my sister was also divorced and had the same arrangements as me, having her kids the same weeks as me) Her return to school was when the weekly swap returned.
If her birthday fell on the week she was with him, I’d pop over to see her on the actual day after school, then she’d have a party with my family at the weekend.

positives - time to socialise and build new relationships without having to squeeze things in, time to ‘bank’ working hours to allow for working less hours on ‘her week’, not having to find childcare for all the school holidays, ex didn’t become a ‘Disney dad’ who had to compete with me because he only saw her every other week, DD had stability - she knew the routine, looked forward to seeing her DF then looked forward to seeing me, she didn’t see us being ‘uncomfortable’ with each other at all, she had 2 Christmasses and 2 birthdays every year plus more holidays than she would have had if we had stayed together.
negatives - initially not seeing her for a week at a time was horrendous. I would spend the weekend under the duvet sobbing. This lasted a few months but my mum managed to put an end to that by her constant nagging and forcing me to do things with her (thanks mum!).

The most important thing was that we could see she was relatively ok with the arrangements once she settled into the routine which took a couple of months. Her DD had always been very hands on from her being born so I knew he was more than capable of taking good care of her. We changed as little as possible for her. As an adult, she says it was the best thing for her in the situation and has even supported a couple of her friends who are divorced to do similar with their children.
It’s important that you have to separate your own needs from those of the children.

Firdt of all OP, I am sorry for the breakup ofnyour marriage and what you are going through. What Soontobe60 did is the ideal arrangement for children, although it is truly hard on parents. By the sound of it, she did an amazing job.The child did not have to move house, was always in a stable environment and very well cared for. Mediation is a great tool and is lead by the parents but, in order to work really well, you need to have accepted the situation and be ready to find a solution that is good for you. From what I can read between the lines, you seem still in a state of shock and probably need a little more time.
If you have the means, I would see a therapist or a counsellor to help you recover your strength. You will need it in order to withstand the process.
Please, make sure it is a mediation and not a sort of assisted negotiation where the mediator acts as a go in between. The parents need to be in the same room and actively deciding. This needs a lot of strength.
Once you start, do a session, then have a counselling session, and then have friends lined up who can listen to your grief.
I wish you the best, it will take a while, but you will be out of it and your children will be happy ( divorce isn't a trauma if the parents choose not to make it so).

Thank you for replying everyone. I’m crying at your kindness of taking the time to comment. Keeping some details back as conscious of this not being anonymous.

@Soontobe60 your post is really really helpful, thank so much for writing that out. I’m so pleased your adult daughter has fond memories of things being amicable, that is one thing we are in agreement on. I currently feel that I’m fucking it up and not being a good parent because I can’t keep my emotions in tact (crying). I’m not slagging off her dad, but I’m so angry at him and bereft of him not being in my life - a problem like this would be shared with him, and not I haven’t got him to share it.

I was thinking 1 week on/off as can see the benefits as you’ve pointed out, but I must admit, the thought also kills me too. Sobbing in my bed is my default when DC isn’t here! But likewise, I can already see one day on / off isn’t working for DC; it was emotional last night, I can see it is tough going back/forward. Can I ask, I’m assuming this 50/50 share, there was not child maintenance from either side? I worry about half terms and coping, my support network is limited (it was his family) and he has more flexibility with half terms than me.

@Possiblynotever you read between the lines correctly. I’m broken, utterly shocked at the brutalness of his decision, how he did and what I discovered afterwards. A lot of lies and hurt which I’m still processing. It is all too early to be making decisions on our future living arrangements when less than 2 weeks ago we were talking about Christmas and holidays in 2023. That said, we’ve got to put DC first and my own feelings need to be our second (for now)

The mediation we’ve enlisted is an individual online meeting each, then together in person, and we can include DC too due to age. I started counselling myself this week, early days and I know I have a lot of hard work to do on myself.

Thank you again

You are right @millymollymoomoo I need to think about this more and discuss with the mediator. Tween age so still like routine but even this year, acting more mature and grown up and flexes easily with changes.

One of dd2's friends does a week on week off. They have various family help for school runs that stays the same every week - if all the adults involved can manage it, I'm not sure I could, but there is absolutely days where they are picking up from exMIL or whatever.

Our of interest for Those sharing custody 50/50 is the dad paying for childcare needs on "his" needs? Or are you expected to pay all of it from whatever CMS you get?

*his days

If it’s 50:50 no maintenance due
each parent should pay childcare for their own needs

That was my understanding too @millymollymoomoo 50/50 is just that, sharing the caring equally between you.

Thanks @millymollymoomoo

But I guess you can't force them to pay the share of the bill though can you?

50% childcare in my situation would be almost STBEXH entire take home wage vs £350 CMS which he pays currently so no financially incentive to push for 50/50

I think your primary question is, can you slow the whole thing down. Well if you wanted to you could. But you will inevitably become adversarial, leading to acrimony and cost. Whilst things get slower, you don’t necessarily change the outcome or make it a less painful process. His side can keep coming at you with asks, demands and legal action.

For the sake of the children shared parenting needs to be worked out soon but can be changed to suit the children in the future. If there is one thing you need to face up to it is this. Because the children need certainty they will have both of you in their lives. Practical considerations around work, childcare and schoo usually end up leaving limited options. Working FT you will rely on each other especially if you want an adult life of your own. You don’t have to like him for that.

One good thing to have when splitting up is a friend or family member who is able to stay objective and rational about divorce things. Someone who has been through it and divorced as well as anyone can.

Sadly the most vocal advice you will get is from people who had acrimonious splits that cost a fortune and emotionally wrecked everyone. They will project their issues onto your situation.

The objective person can help you deal with reactions and to compose yourself.That doesn’t stop you being assertive. It doesn’t mean you have to like the ex.

Sadly a chapter in your life has closed. But the book isn’t written yet and now you get to write the next chapters yourself. Some will have pain and sadness. But you can draft an ending where you are happy and content. Then fill in the rest as you heal. Most people get their draft ending and it feels good.

This is one of the best posts I have read in this section. Indeed, the most vocal are always likely to be the most aggrieved, offering advice based on their acrimonious experiences (like me saying to my friend, don't get married because it will end up in divorce - just look at me).

@LemonTT , you are wise!

@LemonTT @auberJohn thank you both for replying.

(single) mediation went well. The mediator was the one to slow it down, she articulated how I felt far better than I could have done. She’s explained the divorce application process, costs, when to get solicitor involved. Our separation of house, savings etc is easy ish, due to no debt and both earning similar amounts and wanting 50/50 of dc.

Mediator offered some good advice on some other aspects too, eg rota of 2 days / 2 days / 3 days week 1 and 2 so it’s less moving back and forth.

I have even managed a civil conversation with ex today about certain aspects and that’s progressed things.

I must admit, I am very surprised how mediation is not mentioned as the first point of call in the relationship threads - such a cheaper way to agree things, without paying out for solicitors etc. She’s saved me £‘s already .

thanks again everyone

I'm glad your first mediation session went well @Emptyinsidetothecore As to why it's not mentioned often, imo the success of mediation relies on the parties being reasonable and rational. And of course both agreeing to mediate in the first place.

I'm sure you can imagine that there are situations where that isn't the case? My exH refused mediation, and it was a very acrimonious divorce because of the way he behaved during it.

I tried to remain calm and reasonable, despite what was going on, which took a lot. So please, don't blame us all because our divorces were awful.

Some very practical advice. Unless he's a very high earner he won't have to pay spousal maintenance and even then he probably won't have to pay for very long unless he is an exceptionally high earner. You might well find you need sufficient time to work and earn for yourself and this will influence how much time you have the children vs him.

So please, don't blame us all because our divorces were awful.

@BatshitCrazyWoman i am perhaps oversensitive here but that is definitely not what I said.

Thank you @BetterFuture1985

I am very very happy that your first meeting went well. Do remember that it is a little bit an uphill process at the beginning: you have the first meeting, which is generally explanatory, and then you need to get all the problems out.
You will probably hear something that you do not want to hear, something that hurts even more deeply than what has happened in the past few months. It may leave you numb, but please, let it not leave you speechless.
Get everything out in the first few sessions. If he says something that hurts you or that you feel is not right, get the record straight- in that session or in the next.
Try not to cry or scream ( sometimes it is difficult, this is why I suggest the support of your family and friends)
Try to get support before and after.
When it gets really heavy ( it will), think of your wonderful kids and that this is the best for them.
That you are a wonderful woman and a wonderful parent.
Do not forget to regulate clearly if and when and how your children may meet another woman ( or your new partner). It is a very difficult point, but you have to have clear ideas about when, and how and how stable their relationship must be. I have had parents introducing partners as if they were set in stone and after barely six months ( of going to the park together, movies, holidays), they were gone out of the children lives forever.
Please, ask specifically to avoid any "accidental" meeting (she was invited as well, she was just leaving, we just met at the supermarket).
Remember: you are doing this for a reason. You are a great woman and a wonderful parent.

I absolutely agree with this.
so many posts start with “ need a good/best solicitor “ as the first action women go for …
in reality the First thing you should do is get to grips with the process, what the difference outcomes are most likely to be based on marriage act 10 or so criteria for fair settlements. I keep posting on here to say read up first, you don’t need a solicitor for everything and solicitor route can make it worse and will make it more expensive

I asked MN bto put the links to the Advise now website at top of this page for this reason. Women need to have more confidence that it isn’t rocket science, and try to hold back their anger and revenge thoughts until they’re done with process itself and save themselves time, money, stress and distress.

I'm so sorry if it wasn't you that implied that, OP I just got a whiff of the thread implying that divorce can always be amicable and simple. There are two people involved in a divorce - one might be eminently reasonable and open to compromise, but it makes no difference if the other is aggressive, argumentative and high-conflict.

It sounds like your first session was successful, so I wish you luck for the rest of the process.