Seeing Daddy on special occasions

[Pantst]

Looking to see what others would do in this situation.

I share a 4yo girl with my ex husband. He has 3 nights one week, two the next I have 4 then 5. We separated in March 2020.

We are approaching the 3rd christmas and DD birthday while we haven't been together. So far, they have all fallen on my days. They will also fall on my days next year and 2024.

My issue is that, each year, I have to approach him, ask him what he wants to do, when he wants to see her, suggest times etc. Organise it all. I feel like I'm pushing him to see her. This is also the same for bank holidays (Monday is my day every week), Easter etc. It seems he'd be happy just to stick to his standard days and leave it at that.

I feel like I'm selling myself short. If i didn't mention to him, i genuinely do not think he would ask. And I'd get to spend all of these special occasions with my baby girl. That sounds selfish i know, but the thing is, he just doesn't put the same effort in as me to make things special, no balloons, banners, no christmas eve box or mince pie for santa. He has never booked a Santa's grotto for her or attending any local Christmas parties etc. This stuff just never occurs to him and as such I believe she benefits from having these times with me, it isn't just selfish.

Basically, on the one hand, it feels like i am doing the right thing by making sure she sees her Dad on special occasions. She's obviously close to him and spends plenty of time with him. On the other hand, the fact that I leave it to get closer and closer and he doesn't bother asking makes me feel like I'm making sacrifices when he really isn't arsed. I'm putting myself out when he doesn't appear to really care. If it were the other way round and these were all falling on his days, i would be bringing it up plenty early enough to make sure we both had the time with her. Also, i want to be able to make plans and don't want to do that just for him to ask me on the 23rd when he is having her on christmas day.

Am i being a good Mum by still pushing and organising this, or am I just being a bit of a mug? Should i leave him to it?

Leave him to it. You've tried and he's not interested

Agree with PP . If he wants to see her , it’s up to him to make the effort . My exh never bothered and I quickly gave up . Over 30 years later our adult DC aren’t interested in him .

How does it look over a longer period? If you get her on her birthday for these 3 years and then not for the next 4 years maybe it's worth having a formal (as in maybe ..just verbal agreement but a proper conversation) agreement about how these times are split.
Otherwise, why bother? He'll say if he wants to do something

Could you just write a neutral text saying if he wants to switch any contact days in in December/January can he get in touch before the end of the week as you won’t be able to change your plans after that.
That way you have certainty and he’s had a chance.
Otherwise he could ask late when it already inconvenient or he could just be assuming you’ll be flexible based on past years.

In 2025, 2026 and 2027, christmas falls on his days. That is partially my fear, if i don't prompt him now and he ends up not seeing her, I'm worried he'll say i can't see her when it falls on his days. Even though I'll of course point out that i pushed him for 3 years before giving up.

Also, he is in a new relationship with a woman who has kids of her own and lives 2 hours away. Has already told me he will move there at some point, so half expecting him to not really be on the scene come 2025.

Just leave it if he isn't bothered honestly

How does it look over a longer period? If you get her on her birthday for these 3 years and then not for the next 4 years maybe it's worth having a formal (as in maybe ..just verbal agreement but a proper conversation) agreement about how these times are split.

This^
My first thought was stuff it, he's not interested so just stop mentioning it. BUT you may find there's then 3 or 4 Christmases in a row where you don't have her. How will you feel about this?

I think you should take turns with Christmases - but a proper conversation is needed. I definitely wouldn’t be happy with 3 christmases in a row not seeing my kids.

if you’ve been separated 3 years and he still has her 5 days out of 14 not sure why you think he won’t be on the scene in a couple of years time.

You do need a more formal agreement to make sure that she is not without you for special occasions multiple years in a row. Ultimately it isn't about whether you or he wants to have her or not, it's about making sure that she gets to have special memories with both of people she loves most in the world. The only way to make sure that this is possible is to make sure that special occasions are consistently rotated.

Honestly, I wouldn't accept it and wouldn't put it past him to conveniently ignore the fact that he hadn't put any effort in the previous years.

We've already arranged this year. Her birthday is a few weeks before Christmas. He is having her for a couple of hours on her birthday, couldn't spare her any more time as he had made plans, told me he had assumed as it was my day i wouldn't allow him see her. I pointed out that he had literally no reason to believe that given the previous two years in a row i had proactively contacted him to ask when he was seeing her, and this year it was instigated by me too.

The last 2 years we spent christmas morning together. Both years we have bickered, last year because we had agreed I'd only let her downstairs once he had arrived, but he was very late and i wasn't willing to upset her by keeping her upstairs because he couldn't stick to a plan. The first thing he did when he came through the door was have a go at me for not keeping her upstairs. So this year i messaged and said i wasn't willing to do that again and to let me know what he wanted to do, he told me he would just see her on his days instead, and said i was preventing him from seeing her on christmas day. I was clear that that was not what i was saying, but i was saying i wasn't willing to spend christmas morning the three of us. Last year he sat on my sofa until 12.30, being waited on by me. If he sticks to his days he won't see her until the 28th. I have done all i can for nearly 3 years to facilitate him spending time with her, even booking and paying for Santa stuff for the 3 of us, but he seems hell bent on believing I'm one of those mothers who would do everything to stop him from seeing her. There is a long background to this but basically things turned sour while i was pregnant and he started saying then, while we were still together and the baby wasn't even here, that i would be that person.

The fact we've sorted this year so basically I'm asking this question about next year will show you all I'm a worrier and tend to want to get organised far in advanced 🤣 which I am aware may well be part of the issue. At the start of November i want to be clear who is where for Christmas so i can get organised.

Slightly different approach and view from a step mother. Your child should also get to have a say as well.

My partner tried to do every other with his daughter but now she is older (10) she has stated her preference to be with mum and we will respect that.

I know your daughter is younger but just wanted to raise there will be a time when she will have a preference and all should consider that

Because he's made it clear he will be moving 2 hours away to live with his new partner and her children. So not not on the scene at all, i shouldn't have worded it like that, but an every other weekend Dad as opposed to what he is now.

He has actively refused to agree to any every other year christmas arrangement and always says we'll just discuss each year as it comes. Not sure why really.

My DP has his kids 50%, week on week off. For birthdays and xmas one year mum has them the night before until 2pm, dad 2pm and overnight, then it's vice versa the next year.

Their mum had them xmas eve last year and we got them 2pm xmas day. This year we have them xmas eve and they'll be dropped off 2pm xmas day.

The thing is, he absolutely wants to see them on special occasions. Your situation is slightly different in that your ex doesn't seem that bothered. I'd either leave it as is so the kid sees whatever parent they normally would on that day however that may mean you'll go a few years not seeing her on xmas etc. Or maybe suggest a similar arrangement my DP has that way everyone knows where she's going to be each year and there's no need for these discussions every year.

Oh yeah. Of course when she's a bit older.

We're 3.5 years divorced now. The super dad act has finally ended. ExH hasn't had DC for any school holidays, extended stays over bank holidays, they've not had invites to his family weddings, christenings etc since February half term. He's every other weekend and it's my Christmas so that'll be his weekend they're with me.
I'm glad, would rather them be here. My birthday, a local festival and a few of the kids friends parties fall on his weekend and he doesn't let us swap. Ultimately it's his loss.

You're right, it is his loss.

There are some similarities here. He will often have stuff on and ask me to have her on his days, but never swap. If i need a favour then i always ask to swap.

He uses his annual leave for himself, has never taken annual leave and asked to have her on what would be my days. He'll take a week off and just have her on his days, to the extent that where my mum would be due to have her for the day normally (she's only just started school), he would still let my mum have her and just mention when he collected her at the normal time that he'd been off.

It's like, he does it set days and think that means he's doing his bit, but in reality there's so much he isn't doing. He would never see it like that though. I carry 100% of the mental load still.

@Pantst The mental load has fallen to me too. ExH took a weeks holiday to Cyprus just after the summer holidays (no kids) I sometimes dream of a weekend in the sun but actually I really enjoy the kids football, the parents at training are nice, watching the swimming lessons is pretty rewarding and I'm just enjoying being taxi driver to their every whim. It's not for long in the grand scale of things. DS is 7 and he tells me he loves me every day. He doesn't even want to speak to his dad on the phone when he calls (I do make him....sometimes)

I think you need to sit down with your ex and talk seriously about this. Never mind that he might move two hours away by 2025, it may not happen but we live in the here and now.

Suggest to him that you and he do things together for your daughter's birthday, to make it special, and that he should set aside time over Christmas to spend with you. That is normal and what most people do.

Really? The last two years when we set aside time together on Christmas day, everyone told me that was unusual and recommended we didn't do it that way. And you'll see in my update above that's been tried and didn't work. My daughter is better off not seeing both parents together on Christmas day, than having an annual christmas argument.

If he doesn’t want to agree to every other Christmas then I would keep asking what day he wants her over Christmas (via text, not verbally!) then when Christmas falls on his day just say as it’s on your day this I’ll have her Christmas Eve and you can pick her up at 11am Christmas Day or something - don’t ask, just tell him.

Sounds like you’ve tried really hard to be amicable for your daughter, she won’t be damaged by having separated parents, you don’t need to try and accommodate him any more. My mum used to let my dad come in the morning on Christmas Day to drop presents round and it was so awkward, he didn’t care about Christmas (or about me really!) and I love my mum for trying but I wish she hadn’t put herself through it if I’m honest.

Leave him to it. He might be used to you contacting him about these occasions so he just doesn't bother to be proactive. If you leave him to sort it himself it might encourage him to take charge with contact a bit more