Tips to reduce the thoughts, questions and anxieties

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

As per the title.

A week ago, my DH left. I found out things I never knew, and whilst the decision and his way of doing it has been brutal, I’ve naturally continued to dig deeper into what I thought was a happy relationship and realised it wasn’t. The signs were there, we’ve made each other unhappy, we’ve told each other what we’re actually thinking.

My thoughts, the “what ifs” are consuming me to the point of physically feeling this inside me. I can feel the pain in my blood (adrenaline?) it’s palpable: the pain of it all is sitting in my gut, a knot of anxiety I can’t shift.

I’ve got a good network around me, signed off work, even organised counselling too. Practically, I’m doing the right things- I’m writing things down, I’m going out for stupid mental health walks, even cold showers but I woke at 4.30am trying to catch my breath.

I can’t shake the feelings: sadness, and grief of what I’ve lost, my life changing, but guilt, blame of what I maybe should have said
or done to stop him falling in love with me, and deciding to talk to someone else and fantasise a better life with her.

They’re all collided in my head and in my body.

😔

It’s very early days . It will gradually get better

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

From a personal viewpoint, I found that counselling, meditation and the passing of time all helped. And the acceptance that the next year or two during the divorce process will probably be a bit sh*t.

Its a massive mental jolt, and it’s going to take a while for your system, your thoughts and your body to catch up.

@Dotcheck everyone keeps saying that. It’s like I need a fix for my feelings straight away which I know isn’t practical and it doesn’t work that way.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie the “massive mental jolt” is a good phrase. It’s knocked me down like a bus. I’m normally so strong, together and I’m flawed. The future shit show gives me anxieties, I want it to be over now. I don’t want to deal with it.

I need to try mediation. I’ve struggled with it in the past.

Bump for any early Sunday morning risers 😕

When you are in trauma, it is very easy to loose perspective, especially in the early hours of the morning.

What has happened to you is awful. But it will always feel worse when you are alone with no distraction because the fear really creeps in and takes hold.

As a practical measure, I find getting up, making a nice cup of tea and putting the radio on very soothing.

You are not to blame for his affair. This is all on him. You are the same person he married. You just needed to be you. He is the one who has fucked up.

Get a nice cup of tea, snuggle on the sofa and listen to something interesting.

Thank you for your kind words @Minimalme I never used to drink tea but it was actually my first drink when I found out (with about 3 sugars!) and coincidently it’s what I had this morning at 4.45am.

You are not to blame for his affair. This is all on him. You are the same person he married. You just needed to be you. He is the one who has fucked up

Even though he did this, it feels like I’ve missed the signs. I torturing myself with the jealously that he turned to her not me. That he’s humiliated me and our life. I know he’s fucked up and I know that I need to be me, but I don’t feel me anymore. I feel bereft.

I am going to get up and go outside for a walk.

Rosie Green's How to Mend a Broken Heart is full of sage advice.

It is brutal and it hurts like nothing else.
Try and look forward, but not too far forward. Baby steps.

Bed of luck.

How are you getting on @Emptyinsidetothecore ?? I am going through something very similar currently. Wanting to see how your managing? It's the worst pain I've ever felt.. unbearable.

Sorry to hear you’re also suffering @dogmama1

Blind leading the blind here. My anxiety is through the roof, it’s physically hurting me, I feel likes it’s in my blood and stomach
constantly.

It is worse when I think about trying to work out the “why” so making a conscious effort not stop asking questions that I haven’t got answers to. But at 4am, that’s impossible and I go down rabbit holes I can’t get out of.

I have continually asked myself - ‘what do I need right now?’ Which, as you know changes each hour. But asking that question is making me being kind and gentle to myself, and reducing the feelings of blame, humiliation, guilt, hurt, disappointment, anger etc etc. I feel so many emotions throughout a 24 hour period, that the question makes me stop and just do what I need and answer it.

My answers have been watching my box set (utterly binge watching right now), a cup of tea (never have I drank so much, but a sweet one for shock has worked so well!), get off my phone, a walk, a talk to a friend, scroll of instagram / TikTok (funny stuff) or put on a comedy cuddle with DC, journaling (new to me, writing everything down so far, including thoughts, self love, things I’ve seen in line like quotes) also distraction tactics such as cleaning or ironing. I have faith so worship music works for me as opposed to bible reading too.

Finally, I’ve let my guard right down with friends who want to help/do something. I’m being vulnerable which I have never ever been before, and actually it feels quite nice being looked after for a change (I’m normally the one looking after others). I’ve put me second (dc are first) and that’s a rarity for me.

I hope some of that helps you. I’m really sorry this has happened to you too, Pm me in the middle of the night if you want to 😘

@Emptyinsidetothecore oh I'm sorry to hear that. If it's any conciliation, I feel the exact same, so you are not alone..
My Husband told me last Tuesday, brutal delivery and has been incredibly cruel since. Laughing in my face when I wasn't willing to just smile and accept it.
He's been demanding answers regarding the house, have refused to leave and I'm currently living out of my bedroom. He hadn't spoken a word to be since the Wednesday...

I feel absolutely broken, like my heart physically aches. I have little moments where I almost forget this is the reality and then I feel an instant overwhelming panic as I remember. I can concentrate on anything, I just feel surrounded by doom.
Everyone around me is marrying, married, having kids and settled. We've only been married 14 months but together 9 years, had very intimate chats about trying for a baby next year. I'm blindsided, feel utterly betrayed.... there were signs though, like yourself. He has been treating me like absolute shit for months. I naively put it down to just being work stress or something because there would also be intervals of him being perfectly normal.

I am utterly humiliated .. I'm only 30 and divorced and having to start again. Going to have to sell the home. In the current climate I can't afford to buy him out.. I can even begin to comprehend how I can muster the strength to be strong enough to say goodbye to it all. To all I thought I knew about my life and mr future.

But, when people show you how they're truly feel, believe them. And to be this cruel and malicious about this, it says it all.

In my experience, after a 30 year marriage broke down, I wasn’t able to process much until I got to a point when I could really visualise what my future life would be. In other words where I would live, what place, what house, what would I do with my time (kids independent and left home), who would I socialise with , and along with that I started to see what my life could become eventually.

the whole grief pathway winds back and forth until you can start to move into acceptance phase. you’re very much at the bargaining stage with yourself (should I have done this, could I have done that). Have a look at the pathway, and that might help you understand some of feeling you’re getting- it’s normal but hell .
moving into acceptance can start with easing the fears and anxieties to work out what you can do/be in the future post divorce . And actually being able to clearly visualise your new future in an informed less emotional way, That needs you to take a little control over things that are in your control. First of these might be informing yourself of divorce settlement process and likely outcomes (use links to Advice now guides at top of this page by MN- I asked them to put the note there as these are so good.).

you’re doing right things re mental health and coping with anxiety - but until you remove the source of anxiety it will be just that- managing your symptoms. It is absolutely important to continue to do that and be kind on yourself. Time will allow you to get used to the new reality and anxiety will decrease (it’s only been a week so you’re early stages) but you can accelerate that by actively taking control over your future

@Newlifestartingatlast thank you for your wise words and advice. I relate to taking control, and have done that in aspects of the situation so far. I am just managing symptoms and have sought counselling now too, which I know will help.

The major anxiety sets in when I think of the other woman, why she’s so much better than me, why he spoke to her about our problems, and not me; and then comparing myself to her. I feel rejected by my (now) ex. All very cold how he ended it and less than 24 hours later I find out there is an emotional affair, which he maintains is not the reason our marriage is over. Their intimacy emotionally is not what we ever had, which I always thought he was incapable of. It’s like he’s a different person with her (only my perception from reading their texts) and for him to continue to say it isn’t because of her, hurts further.

The anxiety is deep routed into my feeling of being discarded like an empty can of coke.

Whilst I can’t fault him for putting our DC first and giving me space I asked for, how he’s ended things and how my life has changed overnight ( being me and DD for 50% of the week, and just me, for the other 50% of the week) is a big adjustment that he’s forced upon me.

I can’t see beyond that at the moment. Practically I can (house, finances) but not having him to talk to, our joint friends / social circles etc is difficult. All our friends are married, I know no single people, I don’t want to encroach upon married friends, and I fear I’m going to be lonely.

Hi, that is very hard for you.

It sounds to me like you need to get yourself some help in processing these negative esteem emotions so they don’t overtake everything. Especially as you don’t have friends to talk to. Get an appointment with GP as soon as possible. A few months on medication to help anxiety is probably worth thinking about (like taking meds for an infection) , and ask for referral to counselling. If you can afford it, or have private medical insurance through work, go that way - it’s quicker . You do need help in processing it and it is not weak to ask for that help - it’s a sign of strength. Keep up with the stupid walks - the one step in front of other is proven to be immensely beneficial for issues with mental health.

Getting back to work asap will also help- even if that’s a strange thing to think right now.

Then you’re going need to eventually, and it is eventually, carve out a social life for yourself. I’m an introvert and it’s not easy for me to want to do that. However, I knew it wasn’t going to come to me.

I’ve spent last 2 years really working on developing good female friendship and company- can’t say any are my bff, but they are interesting, inspirational and great company for a glass of wine, cuppa, or meal out etc. It takes time. And maybe one of them will become that.

Do you have hobbies or interest or even a dog ? Look for groups that meet up locally on Facebook etc. if there are hobbies you’re interested in then go to a class or workshop - another good way to meet people …also look on the friendship networks on line and force yourself to go to a few. You may hate the group but maybe you meet one person you get on with …invite them for coffee and that can lead to meeting more people etc. it does snowball. Don’t say no to anything and volunteer for as much as possible. also, is there a someone or 2 at work you quite like and could just leap in with both feet and ask to meet for coffee. Make sure they know it’s platonic. It’s scary, but the worst is that they say no. Imho, a very large proportion of people, at all ages and circumstances, want new friendships.

you will also eventually get used to living on your own (kids?- you don’t say) . It has advantages, but it is different and there may be times when you don’t like it. But I tend to remind myself I never felt more lonely or unhappy or dumped on at times when I was living with my husband. I tend to find the most tricky moments are having to make critical decisions involving money or when stuff goes wrong or similar - no one to use a sounding board. But I’m getting better in managing that.

I’d say don’t dash into dating- get your support network in platonic friendship established first - you will need them if another relationship goes tits up again.
And you need to properly regain self esteem and confidence and get rid of self doubt and self criticism before you let a fella loose on you.

Ah, seen, you do have kids.
schools are a good place to volunteer and meet other people …or just playgrounds etc

Thanks Newlife.

counselling started so know that'll be a journey. Going back and forth on medication, one to ponder.

I have got lots of friends, and they’ve been amazing so far. I’m just spinning to the worse case scenario when all this settles, and that involves me being alone /lonely.

Lots to think about, thank you