Meeting a lawyer, what do I need to prepare?

[wishihadcake]

I am meeting a divorce lawyer. She said to bring financial information. Given all divorces are now no-fault, do I also need details of unreasonable behaviour etc or not any more? And can anyone recommend anything to read on the process of divorce (esp with a child)? I am bewildered by the whole thing…questions of whether to try to stay in the home with my child, how and when to do everything…I’ve read some threads on here but want an overview & feel asking the lawyer would be an expensive way of finding things out (!) & there must be other sources of info, but the change to no fault seems to mean a lot of the info is out of date (or maybe that’s just how I’m reading it). Any ideas?

It's helpful to take:

• A list of all accounts (joint and individual) and pensions, along with the current values
• A list of all other assets worth over £1000 and their values
• Mortgage balance
• House valuation (or rough estimate if you don't have time to get it valued)
• An estimate of how much you could borrow on a mortgage on your own (there are free online mortgage brokers who can do this for you)
• Your earnings
• His earnings

Wikivorce is a good website for information. And the AdviceNow website.

I read an excellent book called Divorcing a Narcissist, written jointly by a UK family law solicitor and a psychiatrist, but obviously this may be totally irrelevant to you if your husband isn't narcissistic.

Oh and no, you don't need unreasonable behaviours anymore, but the solicitor will likely ask you about your circumstances/reasons for wanting a divorce. Mainly so they know what they'll be dealing with. With my solicitor, I briefly outlined his controlling and abusive traits, and what his likely behaviours would be during a divorce process.

Thank you! Think he is a narcissist. I’ve found more than one book with that title though (obviously a big market for it!!!) I don’t suppose you remember the author?

A chronology of your lives together will also be really useful and save time. Set out dates such as when you met, married , moved house, children born, got new jobs, inherited any money, and any other significant events.

The authors are Karin Walker and Supriya McKenna.

Good luck OP. My advice if you think he's a narcissist is to keep all your research and preparation quiet from him. Get as prepared as you can before he needs to know. Also think about having some therapy to help you through it. This is the time where narcissistic injury kicks in and they get nasty.

Thank you both. Definitely keeping it to myself right now. I haven't 100 per cent decided to go ahead either. Getting the courage together & making a plan.

Also take your marriage certificate.

I second keeping everything close to your chest. If you are not sure about divorce yet, maybe ask about what could change in terms of financial agreement if you divorced in a year/2 years/etc time.

For what it's worth, when I divorced after 19yrs of marriage, I bitterly regretted not doing it 10yrs earlier as the children would have been much less affected and it would have been a LOT LESS expensive for me ... and obviously, I would have 10 fewer years of his narcissistic controlling abuse!

I'm going through This at the moment

Go on the government website for divorces as that has information on time lines etc

Start a file on the computer/hard copy of relevant information like pension statements, finance agreements etc

Go in with a plan of what you'd like - when i saw my solicitor I basically had an idea of what split I'd like and wanted to know if it was reasonable or not

Start looking at supporting evidence and keep copies in the file - for me that was things like job adverts to show STBEXH isn't maximising his income. Rightmove information on what rentals are available. The free calculators you get on bank mortgage websites so show what you'd be loaned on a single income and also him.

Look at all your finances - when debts are due to be paid off, when fixed rates are ending etc

Basically build up a picture of what life would be like financially for you and him post divorce

Don't agonise over keeping the family home - it may just not be right for you to do so and courts prefer a clean break.

Speak to the mortgage company about whether you can afford to buy him out

Solicitors are expensive so it's about making the most of the appointment - go in with set questions you want advice on/answers to

Keep talk of what a narc he is to a minimum. You want to know best and worst case scenario of how you'll be set financially after divorce.

The courts and a solicitor aren't really interested in whether you have self diagnosed him as a narc through a few books. It's largely irrelevant to the issue of divorcing him since it's no fault these days.

Thanks everyone. Agree I don’t need to go on about his behaviour but I have done a short summary of what I think might affect the process & also the parenting agreement. The other big question is whether to move or stay. I think a new home would feel healthier for me but wonder if my child (who is five) would probably prefer to stay.

I have agonised over the issue of the family home

Initially I was totally against staying as it would feel like a museum and a reminder of the family home we were supposed to live in together and raise a family

Now I'm erring on staying if I can - eldest in Primary school and I just can't afford to stay in this area otherwise and would automatically mean a significant move away taking eldest out of school

I'm making small and affordable changes in each room gradually so it feels less like our house and more like my house

But if an affordable home does come up close by I will jump at it. But the chances are very unlikely

Thad

Thanks for the perspective @isthistheendtakeabreath. The changes you’re making sound a really good way of making it yours again.