Heads about to explode

[Babiesmummy]

Married 20 yrs, together 27yrs
2 girls aged 15 & 16yrs
Approx 26k redundancy (paid last week)
3.5k savings
2k shares
300k equity in house
100k pension pot
I earn approx 6k
His new job is 80k
No debt

Husband left mid June, came home mid August. He has been back & forth since. Finally told him to move out last Thursday. He is now staying rent free with his Brother.

He was made redundant 3wks ago, so we decided it was best to put the house on the market, whether we were together or not we'd agreed to sell so we can downsize without a mortgage. The house went on the market on Friday, there is a good chance it will sell quickly. He has now accepted an offer of a job & starts next week.

His plan is to provide a roof over our heads by letting me use his 50% equity & paying towards the bills but he wants joint names on the deeds. My fear is he can pull the plug anytime & can either stop payments or force me to sell the house. He doesnt want to get a solicitor involved & says i would be worse off if i do because then i wont get his 50% equity to use towards a house & him paying towards the bills.

He doesn't understand why i want to rush & get a divorce but if its over why wait ! I dont see much point in legally separatiing we just might aswell get a divorce & get our finances tied up then we can both move on.

Everyone is telling me to get legal advice & i know everyone on here will say the same. My head is telling me to get legal advice, so I have a 20min consultation with Wikivorce.

The last thing i want to do is shoot myself in the foot but because the house is on the market i feel decisions need to be made sooner rather than later.

I am suffering mentally, I am currently receiving counselling & then i have CBT starting when that finishes. I am a very strong person so i know i will pull through this but i am just feeling so overwhelmed with everything. Both daughters are struggling, logistics are a nightmare at the minute & we are down to 1 car which we are trying to share, the dog needs constant supervision, im trying to do more hours at work.

I know moving forward i have to work more hours, (which is fine) but at the moment i think a new job aswell as everything else will push me over the edge.

Thanks for listening

Put the divorce and money separation in the hands of your solicitor. Do not agree to anything without their say so.

His offer is a solution to a problem that if it does exist shouldn’t exist. It is essentially the opposite of a clean break. He is offering spousal support which you probably wouldn’t apply in a court settlement. It does beggar the question why get divorced.

There is enough equity for a clean break. Your children are all but grown up and the dog is an irrelevance. The problem is that you won’t or can’t work full time. You don’t give a clear reason why not but would need to if you divorce and apply for a financial order.

Truthfully you need a job and some therapy. Maybe not in that order. I have a funny feeling you posted before and the dog is a major issue.

The reason for a divorce is that I don't want to be emotionally bullied by him. I have already been told from a counsellor that he has emotionally abused me, this is his way of keeping some sort of control/power over me. He already tells me that legally he doesn't have to move out. What is stopping him saying / doing the same when we move, if his name is on the deeds and paying towards the bills ?

I have said I will work more hours / full time but at the moment the emotional support is immense that I get from my colleagues and they have been very flexible with me whilst I go through this emotional rollercoaster. They are aware going forward that I either need to do more hours or I will be leaving.

Both daughters are on this emotional rollercoaster with me, my 15yr old is really struggling, today she can't face going into school. If you knew the struggles I have been through with her over the last 2yrs you may understand why I need the flexibility I get from my current job which includes answering calls from school most day and the benefit of being able to move my shifts if needed. My 16yr old is heartbroken she is very close to me but she hates seeing me so upset and is spending more and more time out of the house so she doesn't have to deal with it.

Like I said I am overwhelmed with all that is going on. I am currently receiving counselling and then CBT, I am also trying to fit in Yoga 3 times a week for my health and sanity. I'm trying to take 1day at a time but that doesn't stop me worrying about what is to come !

Yes, I do have a dog and unfortunately my heart is ruling my head. The last thing I ever want is to let him go, logistically it is a nightmare and I am relying on my Mum who lives 30mins away and everything has to be meticulously planned.

Please don't judge me, you have no idea what I have been through / am going through. I'm trying my best in a situation that I never ever thought I would be in.

If you go for a clean break and you take away c £215k + he pays some child maintenance can you afford to buy/rent somewhere without "his" equity?

Echo: see a solicitor.

I understand about the dig, they are a member of the family, not just a dog. They need consideration too.

You have to get professional advice.

You get the whole house plus some of his pension

see a solicitor do not do anything without protecting your assets and home

Why on earth would she get the whole house plus half pension??
deluded
That’s pretty much a 90:10 split

Oh and absolutely you’ll be judged on your earning potential snd expectation to work full time

I am feeling so very very similar, but I have no children at home and no pets. My husband is a bully and I have just gone back to my therapist.

We are still in the same house and busy getting ready to sell it only now. We decided to split in April, but he has been calling the shots and has only just agreed to sell the house. He briefly had a solicitor but then decided against it. He has presented me a very convoluted financial offer which he is pressuring me to accept quickly. I have found out something today that proves he is trying to pull a fast one.

I have a solicitor but have held off accruing any costs as he told me he thought it was unnecessary, adversarial and costly. I have not yet completed Form E.
I have now decided to do what I should have done months ago.

Complete form E, pass it to my solicitor and let her tell me what to do, and not my husband. I haven’t done this because I was so trying not to enrage him, but I can’t do that anymore.

Once I’ve done the form, I’m going to ask, no I’m going to fucking tell him EVERYTHING must go through my solicitor. If he chooses not to have a solicitor, that’s his problem. I now know why he is in such a hurry and after years of being bullied and emotionally abused by him, I am in pieces, but now see what I must do.

From now on I will discuss the weather, if the heating is working, but nothing else. Perhaps when I take control of my life, I will feel less sick and full of panic I just want this over, but it can’t be done without the solicitor and I really think when I start utilising someone’s else (paid) help, this deeply overwhelming anxiety will lessen.

Hes been controlling me for 30 years, it was stupid of me to think he wouldn’t try and manipulate me this last six months.

Your husband is not your friend, he will not give up his control of you easily. I am telling you all this so you can see that you will need a solicitor owner or later. Don’t waste so much time like I have done.

I have told him tonight that i would rather walk away with 50% of everything to make sure i have a divorce & financial settlement, if it means i don't have to be financial dependent on him for the next 2.5yrs & he can pull the plug at any time.
I need to get off this emotional rollercoaster before it completely breaks me.
I also put my career on hold years ago to be there for my family. I earn £9.50 an hour now, yes I can and will do more hours (as ive said previously) and yes i will probably get another job that pays better. In time i will work full time but for now I'm doing what i can, when i can & just trying to get through each day

Im sorry your going through this and it sounds like you are taking the control back.
This is exactly what i dont want to happen and have it drag on until the kids are 18 (2.5yrs) I dont really think he would do anything underhand until the kids start earning but I dont want all this emotional stress to start again.

We have viewings for the house on Saturday with buyers that can proceed without mortgages. I am going to take time to reflect & arrange an appointment with a solicitor next week and take it from there.

I’d get professional advice, remember that he doesn’t even need to know that you have done so, unless you go to court.
In his eyes, his solution might work, my ex suggested similar, but like you I was concerned about what would happen when the youngest child reached 18, and I had been paying the whole mortgage but his names were on the deeds. (We had also been together and married for over 20 years, with children)
in the end OUR solution was that he would have probably been required by the court to pay spousal maintenance until the youngest was 18. We calculated the equity in the house. Divided it between us (60% 40% on the basis of his large salary, compared to my own, plus the children remaining with me) and then subtracted a sum based on provisional spousal maintenance. The end result was that he received a large enough lump sum as a deposit for a 3 bed house, which he will have finished paying off by the age of 65. I have a larger house, but with a mortgage that has stretched me to the max until I am 75 - or I can downsize once the kids leave home, and pay off a smaller home by the age of 65 as he will have.
The advantage to my ex, is that he pays no spousal maintenance and has been able to buy a new home now, rather than waiting until the youngest is 18. The advantage to ME is that in effect I have the spousal maintenance paid upfront, and regardless of any change in my own circumstances (eg meeting a new partner, no matter how unlikely) that money is now mine. The advantage to BOTH of us, is that it was a clean break, with no ties or commitments between us.

Thank you @Flutterbybudget
That sounds reassuring. I will speak to a solicitor & get their advice.

What Absolutely rubbish

So sorry to hear you are experiencing this.

My husband of only 14 months came home on Tuesday and announced he's done with our marriage, want the house sold and wants out.
I am completely blindsided. Haven't left my bed since Tuesday at 7pm.

Absolutely terrified that I'm going to loose my home.
We brought it at age 24, worked so bloody hard to achieve this. And I adore my home. But I know financially, I could afford it alone. BUT according to banks - my pay wouldn't be enough for them.
So looking like I'll have to sell and move back in with mum.

I can't even begin to describe these feelings. But you explained it very well. It's so traumatic, humiliating, just completely overwhelming.
Worse of all, He's refusing the leave the house to stay elsewhere, so I'm faced with having to see him everyday.
He's been completely to the point and cold about it all. No emotion. No compromise, no discussion. He's not interested. We'd been together 8 years..
he's been my complete life for those 8 years, best of friends, do everything together....
the last 12 months were rough, because of mental illness. But, it was rectified through private therapy. Which I paid for....

I'm just heartbroken

@dogmama1
I feel for you, it is heartbreaking & everyones journey is different.
I have very low days & then i find some inner strength from somewhere & come back stronger until he finds something to chip away at me with.

You have to make the effort to get up every morning, get dressed & get some fresh air or go for a drive, try & get into a routine & gently increase what you do every day.

The final straw for me was last night when he told me to "find some acceptance & self respect" he has manipulated me & my feelings since this started in June by saying things like "27yrs is a long time, I want to fight for our marriage" less than 12hrs later his body language said differently.

He has dangled a carrot infront of me since coming back in August, even our kids told me "he is only coming back for the sex"
This week we talked & he was doubting his decision about leaving but then it was like the flick of a switch & then he said "i still feel the same"

I sent him this message at 4 this morning :
"All i have ever done is love you & this is where its got me.
I physically feel sick thinking about all the sex we had & you had no intention of staying with me.
I hope your proud of yourself & how youve handled the entire situation.
You don't deserve me or any of my love.
💔

I am trying to deal with 1day at a time but its very difficult. We have 2 viewings for our house on Saturday, if we get an acceptable offer we will need to get the ball rolling with a divorce & also sort out the finances. He has offered for me to use his equity & he will pay towards the bills but my youngest turns 18 in 2.5yrs so he can withdraw his offer of help at any time & then i have to get back on the emotional rollercoaster & at some point pay him back the equity.
He has no regard for my mental health & i cannot let him financially control me for the next 2.5yrs.

Our lives are going to be very different going forward & we have a tough few months ahead but i have the love & support of my daughters, family & friends (and his parents)

He's so ok with it all.

He's come home from work this evening, got straight in the shower, humming to himself when he got out, downstairs to make his dinner, sat their and scoffed it.

Meanwhile, I've barely got out of bed, haven't eaten in 2 days, can't stop crying, can't focus on a single thing, sleeping terribly and just feel constantly physically sick. This pain is so immense.
I have great family and friends around me, but ... I still can't help feeling very very alone. Knowing they're all at home with their significant others happy.
It's killing me and it's only been 48 hours, I know the worse is yet to come. Thankfully, no kids.

@dogmama1
I have read so many stories recently of women going through the exact same thing. They all seem to pull through it but it is a long & slow process.
I went through this in June for 2mths then he came back & im currently on day 7 again but i am getting stronger by the day but it is ok to have bad days, they will get less & less as time goes on.
Sending hugs xx

Thank you - It's somewhat helpful hearing we do get through it. Just doesn't feel like it right now... feels like life's over at 30.

Going to going back to square one, with a divorce under my belt and still no kids (which I longed for). I think it's so much harder for me at the moment because he's shown zero emotion. Completely unphased, which is a double kick to the stomach.
I told my immediate family, work colleagues and best friend today.. which I felt I needed to do to start to accept it, instead of holding out hope he may change his mind... but, I think the reality is it's over.

Keep your head high, it sounds like you coping really well - keep it up.

@dogmama1
The lack of emotion seems to run through them, where as us females have enough emotion for everyone.
You've told family & friends which is a positive step. Its not going to be easy but you will get there xx

I don't understand how anyone can be so blazay about something so big..

I'm only 30. And feel like I never want to lay eyes on another man again.

See a solicitor before agreeing to put the house on the market, or agree to anything