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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex inlaws

15 replies

Whereisthelove2 · 05/11/2022 10:12

What should I expect from my ex partners parents? Is it normal for only their son to arrange contact etc? Currently neither of them get in touch regarding the children, offering to see them or help out in any way. Their Dad rarely sees them through his own choice. I spoke to my exes Dad and he was saying it was for his son to sort visit arrangements out. I feel a quite hurt that they haven’t stayed in touch.

interested to hear other opinions and experiences with this.

OP posts:
CoorieIn · 05/11/2022 10:14

Any grandparent worth their salt would deal with whoever the can arrange contact through.

You're well rid.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 05/11/2022 10:17

Never saw my ils after we split. When ex didn't get any contact with oldest dc they never ever evem asked about them either.. See them now 20 years down the line and they expect to come here drinking tea..

Imperfect10 · 05/11/2022 10:18

It will depend on them, and yes it's not for you to sort out.
My grandmother kept in touch with all her DGC whatever went on with the parents marriage,
My children's father's parents made no effort even though I spent years trying to keep them in the loop...OTOH they kept up with their other son's children after he diveorced. It's horribly hurtful but you can use your energy better elsewhere I expect.

OutDamnedSpot · 05/11/2022 10:19

I don’t see my ex ILs at all. If I bumped into them, or we were both at a family event, I’d be friendly and polite, but no more than that. Any contact between them and my DC is for my ExH to arrange.

forrestgreen · 05/11/2022 10:19

There was tumbleweed...

isthistheendtakeabreath · 05/11/2022 19:26

Agree with other posters

I was with STBEXH nearly 20 years married for 10. He walked out on me and 3 very young children out of the blue. Haven't heard from either PIL since other than to say how upset they were 😳 haven't asked after us in months.

I'm not facilitating them seeing the children at all. I'm more than happy never to see them again

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/11/2022 10:31

They’re following the advice usually given on here, to arrange contact with their GC through their son. There are so many variables, how well you got on with them before, cause of the split, existing relationship between them and the DC.

starrynight21 · 06/11/2022 10:34

My ex has 8 brothers and sisters - they dropped me like a hot potato when we got divorced. I think it's pretty common. I'd be polite if I ever saw them, but it's unlikely .

JustLyra · 06/11/2022 11:11

It totally depends on the GPs.

when my girls’ grandparents realised their son wasn’t bothering with contact they got in touch with me directly and went from there. It did take them a few months as they were trying to organise with their DS, then he said I was being difficult and they were given a bunch of reasonable sounding excuses before they realised.

Sadly I think the fact they reached out and have built a wonderful relationship with the girls is quite unusual (they’ve mostly gone NC with their son over his treatment of his children).

quietnightmare · 06/11/2022 11:13

Maybe you contact them? Perhaps they are worried about stepping on anyone's toes

LondonWolf · 06/11/2022 11:23

My in laws realised very quickly that if they wanted to continue to have a close and regular relationship with their grandchildren they'd need to go through me rather than their flaky, self absorbed son/brother. I'm not close to my children's grandparents, though we are polite and friendly when see each other, but I count my ex sister in laws as good friends. I still attend family events sometimes, if they're focussed my children - birthdays, Christmas etc, ex rarely does. I'm quite proud of how we've managed to maintain relationships for the sake of all the children involved, cousins etc. I don't think it's the usual and I respect my PIL especially for putting aside their feelings about our excruciatingly horrendous separation and divorce, in order to prioritise their grandchildren.

Theunamedcat · 06/11/2022 11:23

Nan made the decision to completely support her son and lie to the police her son repayed her by arguing with her dropping her when she was no longer useful stealing the gifts she sent to her grandchildren and cutting her off from her grandchildren I don't feel too sorry for her though as she tried to walk past her grandchildren in the street her husband (step grandad) told her to stop being silly came over to us to speak she could barely get a polite word out her husband cuddled and chatted to the kids it was a shame when he passed but the phonecall I got telling me to stay away from the funeral was uncalled for I had zero interest in going and I don't think I deserved the abuse

Bil and sil refuse to speak the kids had gifts one Christmas then last year ds1 had a birthday card ds2 nothing 😑 they are spiteful people who know exactly what my ex is like but support him "cos family" wth are the kids aliens?

shieldmaiden7 · 06/11/2022 11:51

I separated from my exdh 5 years ago. I haven't seen or spoken to his parent since I left him and we had a good healthy relationship before I ended it. I know he was dishonest about our split to them. He barely sees his children now through his own choice. Ive tried to encourage the children to communicate with his parents and I have attempted too but he has told us it's inappropriate for us - children included - to talk to them. I think he's worried the truth will come out.
It makes me sad as my exinlaws were friends with my parents. Our dads went to school together. They are obviously the same age and lately I've noticed my parents have noticeably aged. My parents have a great relationship with the children and talk to them daily and see them weekly. I'm aware time is running out and it makes me sad they are missing out on time with their grandchildren but it's a guilt I can't carry as I've done all I can. Hopefully he opens his eyes a realises soon.

AuntieStella · 06/11/2022 11:57

It should be the case that each divorced parent maintains the relationships with their own family.

But if one is failing, that's not good for the DC. So the other parent does need to consider what they can reasonably do to improve things for their DC. Not fair, but right for the children.

It depends on how old they are, whether they can have independent relationships with wider family (and therefore your role would be just the odd nudge to do it), the wider balance of time and activities, and how civil your out-laws are to you, and how much priority they put on their DGC

Anonanon1234 · 19/11/2022 12:42

I don't have a relationship with my ex inlaws, but then we didn't have one when I was with their Son. Very very dysfunctional set-up; narcissistic family tree....their Son appears to be a covert Narc - of course now it is over, I am being painted as the problem. Honestly, I don't care what they think.....if me refusing to be an enabler has me painted as a 'problem' then so be it!!

Meanwhile ExH still expects to sit down for cups of tea with my side of the family, despite abusing me and telling me my own relatives think X,Y,Z of me (untrue stuff) Horrible piece of work and is furious that I've exposed his true character to them now.

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