Buy him out now or wait?

[isthistheendtakeabreath]

I'm in a real pickle as to know what to do for the best

STBEXH walked out unexpectedly about 2 months or so ago. No warning. 3 young children

At current market value £180k equity in the house. Original plan was to give him "half" (well taking into account I put down more deposit and he needs to pay for the cost of all this mess)

I've got an appointment with the bank in a couple of weeks to discuss how much additional borrowing I could afford to make him an offer to buy him out. But that would leave literally no buffer in living expenses. Zero. If something breaks or another bill goes up there is literally no spare money to cover it

(He is paying the minimum maintenance of £350 per month - he doesn't have any overnights)

Option 1
Use every spare penny to buy him out now. Will be probably less than he was expecting as can't afford to give him half the house

Option 2
Wait 2 years until current fixed rate mortgage is up. Then remortgage and buy him out then when childcare costs will be significantly lower (have twins so fees are £2k a month)

Option 1 is a clean beak now
Option 2 gives me 2 years of breathing space to get things fixed in the house that I need to. Get a small amount of savings together. Prepare for increasing energy bills (out of current tariff in 12 months) and then prepare that I may have to sell at That point?

I'd wait if I were you.

Was your deposit ring fenced?

You can't really make a decision until you have had your appointment with the bank to see how much you can borrow. When you know this, you can go forward knowing exactly what your financial situation is.

If you pay 2k a month childcare cost that will be taken as an outgoing. Affordability rules have recently tightened too.

Do you have pensions? Could these be factored into how much you give him?
Have you taken legal advice yet?

I am really sorry you are in this situation, he’s a dick for leaving with no warning with such young kids. Option 3 should be drop the kids at his and visit a couple of times a week and pay £350 maintenance.

Are you thinking of this as part of your divorce? I would be very wary of trying to buy him out without divorcing too. You need to get legal advice as the house would be seen as an asset of the marriage for as long as you are married, I believe. I would be concerned that if the house was to increase in value in the future, he could come back to claim more of the equity unless you are divorced with a clean break.

Disclaimer: I am not a solicitor!

As above please get proper advice. I know it's expensive but weigh it up with what you could potentially lose/ gain for your children. Have also seen on here people being stung years down the line for not having wrapped things up formally with court orders/ legal agreements.

Slow down
take proper legal advice
get a view of what a settlement could look like inc full view of any other assets if there are any
find out what you can borrow
you may be awarded higher than 50% if you need that to house yourself and 2 young children
if he has no overnights his needs are not as great as yours
ge may also have to defer his share for a while
or you may have to sell

take proper legal advice, slow down but don’t try to cling to a house that you can I’ll afford if it comes down to it

Don't forget that the starting point for division of assets in divorce is 50:50, taking into account all assets (property, cars, pensions, savings, shares ...) and any money owed (mortgage, overdrafts, loans ...). Depending on whether you legally ringfenced the deposit you paid for the house, this will still be seen as a joint asset (speaking from experience, unfortunately, from having to give xh 50% of the house, I wholly paid for, in my divorce).

Thanks all

@cruellabraverman well my deposit was sort of ring fenced in that we have a tenancy in common mortgage 75% in my favour (albeit I know marriage over rules this)

@Mirrorcell yes I have pensions. Larger than his as I earn more but not massive amounts.

@millymollymoomoo

I've taken some advice but really can't afford protracted legal costs so was hoping to do a lot of the divorce myself - except for Form E / D81 and the financial consent

In terms of trying to keep the family house - I would sell if I could

BUT - I also have eldest child in primary school.
There are no homes to rent or buy in the local area I could afford. For miles around. And which I'm also able to get to work from. Which would mean taking her from school. I also have a very good childminder for the twins on a specific contract and daily cost which just isn't available anywhere else with other childcare providers so I feel a bit trapped in the house

Could you look into a mesher order to delay the sale of the house?

Get legal advice. I would buy him out now if you can. I’ve had to wait and put money into repairs etc he will get benefit of. Also the younger the dc are the better as your future contribution to their care (ie your disproportionate contribution) should be taken into account. With 3 young children and no overnights I’d be hoping for 70:30 split in your favour. It shouldn’t be 50:50 when one person is doing most of the childcare. And in any case the courts will look at dc needs first.

Shouldnt be 50/50 if you are doing most of childcare. My friend got 70/30 split in divorce with 2 children! You should def get more than 50pc

Option 2. I keep reading that house prices will drop, so it might work in your favour.

Its such early days as this has all just happened. You are probably in emotional shock still so i wouldn't even start to think about financial agreements and would set some firm boundaries with your ex that you need atleast a month to mentally adjust to the new situation and are not able to talk re finances currently.

I wouldn't recommend it but some people drag divorces out for years. That isnt desirable but usually they take atleast a year - so you have time to figure this out and dont have to rush. Bear in mind you may not be in the headspace to deal with big financial decisions until 6 months atleast if the divorce was a shock.

By all means think about your options but i wouldn't rush to agree.

Also bear in mind that there are tons of headlines that house prices could fall next year. God knows if it will happen but half the equity this year could be less next year. Imo your best bet is wait and do nothing until the economic situation clearer. If you really want certainty then perhaps a mesher is an option where you both agree to sell house at later date - usually when children 18 but may not be practical if children are young.

@KangarooKenny
@Potluck22

Thankyou for you're replies

Yes still in a fair amount of shock. He announced he couldn't cope with family life and that was it 10 days later he moved out. After 10 years marriage and together 20 years

Luckily I'm the much higher earner I feel terribly sorry for mothers who aren't and would have to deal with all this

I don't want to drag it out for years - mainly as I'm in a fairly financially vulnerable position as the higher earner so would like a financial consent order in place next year

Ref mesher orders I thought they were rare? STBEXH only earns £23k to my £65k so all his "assets" are locked in the house so can't see a judge signing a mesher off

Yes the drop in house prices worries me.
I'm leaning towards waiting for 2 years. I'm hoping to see a solicitor next week to see if I can still get a financial order done with an agreement he gets his "share" in 2 years time - the fixed rate is up then anyway so I can try and wrap it all up at the same time

The hoover broke this morning and A radiator not working and it's laid bare that if I managed to buy him out now there would be no money left for things like this when bits break in the house or the kids need things

As much as I want to be separated from him physically legally and financially as soon as possible you're all right it's probably too early to achieve all those things

Sounds awful, must be a terrible shock. Maybe he is going through a bad patch or perhaps he genuinely wants out. It could be worth suggesting marriage counselling to make sure its the right choice for you both. It also depends how you see things now.

Most of divorce comes down to negotiation. You can also argue the more you put in financially, the more you take out etc i think. Get legal advice that's important but there are lots of ifs and buts. Should all be formula based really but isnt. Im not sure him earning less would make that much difference to financials as you have the kids and childcare costs - kids are usually the priority, ask the solicitor.

Don't know how likely mesher would be in your particular circumstances, solicitor would have a better idea. Good luck with the appointment.

Obviously you need to be more independent, so look for a local handyman to do jobs, but have a look at fixing them yourself first if you can. You Tube has lots on there to look at.
Have you tried bleeding the radiator ?

@KangarooKenny

Ironically it's always been me that does all the DIY as he could never be bothered so I'm pretty handy -I'm actually going to try tiling the kitchen today 💪🏻 although plumbing and electrical is the one area I tend to stay clear of. Don't think it needs bleeding. It's not hot at the bottom/cold at too etc. so I think the TRV needs replacing.

@Potluck22

I suggested counselling etc. he refused. He hasn't been the same since we had the twins and hasn't really bonded with them at all and he made it clear that it was the relentlessness of family life with 3 young children he couldn't deal with anymore

(Like I have a bloody choice to decide I don't want to parent full time!! All the children were planned and the twins took a lot of IVF to have)

I’d I were you I would definitely get legal advice. You’ll lose out of you don’t.

do not give him fifty percent as your needs are greater your outgoings much higher. Sit down work out a budget of your income and outgoings take a look at what you can afford. Don’t take on a massive mortgage (especially not with current interests rates) and find you can’t cope with the repayments.

you can sit down with a solicitor work out what a fair offer would be and go from there.

so sorry you’re going through this.

Sorry that he can't deal with family life. Hard that he can't support you or give you what you need. Hopefully you can start finding ways to get some support from elsewhere and have friends and family to help support you through this challenging time. Atleast you suggested counselling so know you gave things a shot and that may give you a bit of comfort later on.

Although it must be challenging with 3 young kids, you sound like a strong person and with the right support you and your kids will thrive I'm sure.

It must all feel overwhelming at the moment but you will get through this. Sometimes life sends us crap to make way for better things in the long term...

OP you having the kids full time would probably be cancelled out by his greater 'needs' with his lesser earning potential. I was in similar circumstances and was advised this by my barrister. After a LOT of wrangling, I got about 55% of the house and kept my higher pension. In my experience, the courts don't put that much importance on who has the kids, not enough to sway it by a significant sum. So now I have a massive mortgage and full responsibility for the kids while he fritters his large share on himself.

@Soopermum1

Yes I'm very aware of this given how little he earns - although I know he absolutely doesn't maximise his earning potential.

We have a "loose" agreement at the moment that we will split the house 50/50 and he will walk away from any pension claim. And he will cover the cost of the divorce so a couple of thousand. I paid more deposit so I'm going to ask this is reflected but I'd expect I'll end up somewhere The same as you 55:45

I don't mind that so much. He has always paid half the mortgage. Even if he never really paid towards the children. Emotionally and psychologically I'm more attached to my pensions as I've worked bloody hard for the career I have than I am attached to the equity in the house if that makes sense.

I’m not sure this really true, the OP out earns the H by almost 3 times, he will have to house himself and if he has to pay CMS as well, the H might end up with quite a large portion of the asset and a claim on the OPs pension was well ( especially if it a large amount), as the expectation is that the higher earner can recoup those losses more quickly, an half decent solicitor will tell him to say he need to house himself and his kids for occasional overnights, so he should definitely look at your pension and grab a slice of that

unfortunately that what comes with being the higher earner, as more wives are more commonly the higher earners, more wives are getting the smaller or 50:50 Chuck of the assets