Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Blending family

26 replies

Foogirluk · 01/11/2022 21:11

My 22yr old daughter left home 2 years ago to share a flat with a friend which isn’t working out. I moved my partner in a year ago who has 2 children that stay alternate weekends. We now have bunk beds 🛌 n the spare room to accommodate them. Boy is 14. Girl is 12 and we all get on very well. My daughter now wants to come home but I feel terrible and don’t know what to do. If she moved home his children would not be able to stay for the alternate weekends due to lack of space being a 2 bed house. I feel guilty that my daughter is worried and I feel I can’t offer her old bedroom back to her even though his kids stay every other weekend. He doesn’t seem to understand why I feel sad and guilty about this and is obviously just thinking of his own children’s needs. I don’t know what to do. The house is rented in my name. I’ve lived here for 5 years. He moved in a year ago. What should I do?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/11/2022 21:13

Does she want to move back in to live or just stay for a bit while finding a new place of her own?

What relationship does she have with your DP and his kids?

coodawoodashooda · 01/11/2022 21:18

If he wasn't prepared to make daughter equal to his kids then I'd not get past that.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 01/11/2022 21:20

Is moving into a place with one more bedroom feasible?

Original poster
Foogirluk · 01/11/2022 21:20

Thank you for your reply. I really don’t know it could be for a year .. I don’t know. I feel terrible not offering her own room back. I want to but the bunk beds would have to go and her stuff back in. She gets on very well with him and his kids. She asked to move back and I explained the situation but I feel it was her home and she should be able to come back.
My partner is staying silent on it. It would cause terrible problems for his situation. I just don’t know what to do ..

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 01/11/2022 21:21

Is he paying the bills? If ypur daughter needed longer could you consider renting a 3rd bedroom? His children may need more space as they get older.

I personally would have to find a solution for my child. If you and your partner split up would you regret choosing his children over her?

Would your partner agree that at age 20 his children can no longer stay in the house? That's just 6 years away for his oldest.

Original poster
Foogirluk · 01/11/2022 21:21

Unfortunately he has a bad credit history which we found out when trying to move into a bigger property so we are stuck at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foogirluk · 01/11/2022 21:23

He pays half of everything. I think I would resent him. I just don’t know where he could stay with his kids on the alternate weekends.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 01/11/2022 21:23

Could you shift the bunk beds into the lounge for 2 weekends a month? Or could you help her with the deposit/rent to move somewhere else? I don't think I could sit happy knowing that my boyfriends kids having space in my house meant that my daughter didn't- she will likely find it difficult too. I hope he's staying silent because he doesn't see a suitable answer for all the kids rather than he's just hoping you will maintain the status quo at your daughters expense.

Fireflygal · 01/11/2022 21:24

So he couldn't rent a property without you? I think he needs to help you find a solution rather than dismissing your instinct to help your child.

How long have you known him?

Original poster
Foogirluk · 01/11/2022 21:26

Yes I agree. He just doesn’t know what to suggest. He’s understanding but I guess he’s worried about his own kids.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 01/11/2022 21:30

He can rent an air B&B. Dd may not be too happy once she is back! My adult dd came 'home' for a months. She had our room. We had the lounge!!

SpookyMcGhoul · 01/11/2022 21:37

The thing is, if it was his DD in that situation - how would he feel? Surely he'd move heaven and earth to get her somewhere at home to stay.

I think it's hard for your DD to be in this situation, I'd be worried about your future relationship if I'm honest - saying she can't come home when things have gone wrong because of your new partners children who stay EO weekend would really hurt my feelings in her position.

Hollypups · 01/11/2022 21:38

Is there a dining room? Could his kids go in there eow? Or a conservatory.

I wouldn’t reject my own daughter for children for kids you have only blended with for a year.

StrictlyJowita · 01/11/2022 21:47

It's him that needs to find somewhere to be with his children. You can move your own daughter back into your own house.

Craftybodger · 01/11/2022 21:54

What should you do?!

You’re her parent. I can’t believe you have to ask. She needs a home and she’s asked for your help.

You need to move her back in. She needs to know she’s a priority in your life. Then you need to find a solution for the teens when they stay over. Could she sleep on the sofa? Blow up mattress? Bunk in with you and DP goes in with his kids or sleeps on the sofa.

LittleOwl153 · 01/11/2022 22:37

How about the bunk beds stay, but you daughter has the room - sharing with the stepdaughter when they stay, the step son will have ro sleep in the lounge. Not ideal, but you can't turn your back on your daughter 24/7 for 2 days in 14.

Audioslaw · 02/11/2022 10:51

I was going to suggest that your dd moves into the bunk bed room full time but on the days where his dc stay one of them/both of them sleep downstairs or you as a couple sleep downstairs that night on a blow up bed giving them your room?

BricksHome · 02/11/2022 18:52

Foogirluk · 01/11/2022 21:21

Unfortunately he has a bad credit history which we found out when trying to move into a bigger property so we are stuck at the moment.

Surely ur DP knew this before he moved in with you.
what was the plan for his kids? Too old I would have thought to be sharing a room at their ages now.
Feel sorry for ur daughter

Neoma22 · 02/11/2022 20:48

I am really sorry about this situation. The thing is your DP is an adult and responsible for his own kids the same as you are for your daughter no matter how old she is. The fact that he has a bad credit history is not your problem and something he needs to deal with. You were able to help him for a year. Now you need to help your own. In any case his kids are too old to share at their ages and being boy and girl, I'm sorry but that's just how I feel even on alternate weekends.

Imjustbetterthanyou · 02/11/2022 21:38

So how long have you been together then? And what was his situation with his kids before? Why didn’t you move in with him? 2 teens, boy/girl shouldn’t be sharing a bedroom really. Your daughter should come first!

Autumflower · 02/11/2022 21:45

How did he manage to have them for the weekend before he met you ? Where did he live ?
they are to old to share a room really .
so let your dd come home ,it’s her home ,this relationship is still new in the great scheme of things .
have to get a couple of camp beds for the lounge
I managed ,as a child ,on a camp bed in the lounge ,didn’t get a choice ,didn’t do me any hard

Autumflower · 02/11/2022 21:45

Harm ,not hard

Ameadowwalk · 02/11/2022 21:47

So he is relying on you to provide a home where he can have his DC? If he has a bad credit rating which prevents you finding somewhere larger, then what did he do before he moved in?

I think either he needs to find somewhere else for his DC whilst your DD needs support or the solution whereby she gets her old bedroom back but with the bunk beds. Then the DD of your DP can sleep there on the weekend she is there and his DS in the lounge? I would think a 12 and 14 year old boy and girl need separate rooms anyway.

IneedanewTV · 02/11/2022 21:50

when my boys were younger and stayed with their father EOW they slept in the lounge. Not ideal but there was no choice. Perhaps your partners son could sleep in the lounge.

TheMorigoul · 02/11/2022 21:51

@LittleOwl153 said what I would do. Your dd can move back and the compromise for both sets of dc is to keep the bunkbeds and the sdd shares with dd eow. Not ideal but I take it she's not moving back for the long term?