Pension question

[Enidcat5]

Not split yet, but considering.

I have spent 20 years building up a pension when working, always paid at least minimum amount into it and switched to paying much more through salary sacrifice 6 months ago.

I'm the higher earner and I contribute considerably more into the family joint money every month. Dh not as career driven, works in a hobby job that he enjoys.

I've always done majority of childcare. Kids would likely live with me but obviously spend time with him if we split. I don't think he'd want 50/50, as he struggles having his kids alone, but if he does then of course he's entitled to see them and they would want to see dh.

I've nagged him for years about a pension, because he didn't have one (company didn't have a policy). He got one when it became compulsory for companies to offer one and he's paid minimum since.

At any point he could have changed careers, I said I'd support any retraining if he desired, but he was insistent on doing the niche hobby lower paid career so I've always accepted that although it's been a frustration of mine.

Will the courts ever take into account one party's previous pure reticence to be responsible and get a pension, when deciding on division of pension? He doesn't have much in his because he assumed at some point he'd buy a nest egg property with me that would look after him in old age. It's so frustrating and I don't want to lose my pension because of his complete inability to be an adult.

I very much doubt it, 50:50 is the starting point.

Thank you. I do think I'm just going to have to suck it up. Is there ever an option for someone to say they don't want it? He is pretty fair minded, I can imagine him saying he doesn't want it.

He could say that. You could offer more equity in the house to keep more of your pension.
Have you spoken to,a solicitor ?

I think we'd need to sell so that we can both afford a new place. I wouldn't be able to afford to live here just on my salary as it's quite a big old house to heat and I would be better looking for something cheaper.

Not yet no, but I've been reading through the tips on here and I'm going to look through the links recommended for financial advice. I'm trying to sort counseling but I think we both have realised it's not really going to make a difference.

Age will also be taken into account. If he's in his early/mid 40's he still has 25 years before state retirement age to build up a pot. Harder when you start later admittedly, but your solicitor should be advocating for you that he had just as much opportunity to contribute to a pension (i.e. was not a SAHD with no independent income) but chose not to.

Also don't assume every divorce "goes to court". If you can agree a financial settlement between you a judge just signs it off - they just check that one party isn't being hugely disadvantaged. Mediation will be required first if agreement can't be reached.

The normal starting point is to ensure both you and your DH have a roof over your head and can make provision for the safety and well-being of your children. What that means in monetary terms is open to negotiation provided those needs are met when the marriage is formally ended.

If your DH has the ability to work, then whether he chooses to take a low paid job will be down to him provided he can support himself and the children when they are with him.

You will need to seek legal advice but if it were me I would go for a clean break with an offer of more equity from the family home so you protect your pension. the law won't take account of how he did or didn't prioritise his pension, especially if he maintains that wasn't his attitude.

It also depends how reasonable he decides to be as regards his expectation, ie will he feel he has a right to more because he argues he's sacrificed having a more lucrative career due to him taking on more of the childcare during the marriage thereby freeing you up to pursue your "high flying career". Not saying that's what he'll do, just what his solicitor may argue to increase his share.

I'm afraid not op. Any pension amassed during marriage goes in the pot.

I was in a very similar situation, but my dh ploughed ££s into his hobby rather than his pension, I used to speak to him yearly about his need for a pension and not to rely on me for his retirement (I'm very worried about my retirement so have always overpaid into my pension). When we got divorced I agreed to pay him 50% of everything, except my pension, I told him if he wanted to go after that I'd fight him too the and nail and he'd have to take me to court. I then agreed a slightly bigger % for his part of the house equity, I dangled the money in front of him and said he could have it straight away, and because he's so 'now' focused (think he saw immediate £ signs) he took it and signed his right away to any of my pension.

The total asset pot is taken into account, 50/50 is the starting point and in your circumstances it is likely to be your best option, you won't get more.

Once you decide to split, do consider a written agreement that any assets acquired after that date doesn't count so get a pension valuation as of then.

Do communicate with him and avoid solicitors as much as possible, them seem hell bent on trying to cause friction and make more £££ work for them. Filing for divorce online yourselves jointly is the cheapest option then use a solicitor for the consent agreement only which will set out the assets and the split. Mediation I think is compulsory if you have children but if you arrive having already agreed access it's only one session!

Thank you so much everyone. I'd love to think this won't be necessary, but we've not been getting on for ages. I'm still going to try counselling first.

I should point out that I don't have a high flying career as such, but I have worked and studied extremely hard in a vocational job to get further in my career whereas he dropped out of his studies and fell into the career he does now. My job progression has been within normal working hours and no need for him to support me to do it, I've worked my way up the ladder after years of experience. I looked after our children whilst he worked nights and weekends which are a requirement of his career. I took maternity twice to have our children, for a year each time.

I've spent many hours helping him to consider what else he could do and supporting him, saying I'll look after kids so he can study or do volunteer work if needed. But he never pursues the ideas he has for career development.

Hi OP I'm in a very similar position - I've worked really hard for a career and have a pension that has grown with me and earn x3 him.

STBEXH on the The hand zero interest in building a meaningful career and happy to stay in low paid jobs

At the moment our split is fairly amicable. He has agreed not to claim on my pension. He is early 40s and so many more years left in the workplace. Also with his low earnings he needs money now rather than in 25 years time so I've agreed I wont attempt to take a far higher equity split in the family home than I could probably get with a good lawyer in the basis that there is no pension sharing

@Enidcat5

Sorry Enid, welcome to the "married to a kidult club." I don't know how your assets will be divided because you haven't mentioned anything else like savings or home equity etc and dividing assets is a careful balancing act of all those things. Sadly though you, like me, being married to someone who refuses to maximise their earning potential or live within their means suggests you might walk away with less than half the assets (although luckily in your case it doesn't look like he's going to be voluntarily doing the majority of childcare so that might tip the split of assets back in your favour).

One thing you will need to address is what his earning capacity is. It's lovely he has a hobby but if he has needs after the marriage then it's his responsibility to meet those needs himself to the greatest extent possible. So his hobby might not pay much but his skills might be transferrable to something better paid. In my case, my wife wanted to be a teaching assistant earning a pittance and getting spousal maintenance from me but both my solicitor and hers pointed out she had both the skills and the time to become a teacher which was much better paid and also over time to become a head of year etc given her age. So her earning capacity was much larger than what she earned; she was free to carry on earning a pittance if she wanted to, but the consequences of that were on her, not me. I would assume that similarly any pension split will be based on what he can reasonably accrue himself up to retirement.

The most important thing for you though is to get a clean break. I was prepared to pay a lot of assets away to do that because being tied to kidult could get expensive in the long run. In my case, it would almost certainly have resulted in getting a begging bowl shoved in my face the minute the child maintenance stopped.